We asked nurses and doctors in the BuzzFeed Community to tell us their wildest experiences in the ER, and apparently a lot of patients got things stuck up their butts, penises, and vaginas. Here are the results.
Sexual experimentation is great (and encouraged!), and there's absolutely no room for kink-shaming as long as everything is consensual, safe, and legal. However, if you're going to stick foreign objects in your private parts, it's recommended that you use actual sex toys instead of random things at home, lol.
1. "I have a friend who's a radiologist. She had an elderly gentleman come in with a screwdriver stuck in him because he couldn't relieve himself and was trying to get the poop out."
2. "My friend is an EMT, and she got called to a house where the woman was home alone and decided to masturbate with an empty wine bottle. When she tried to pull it out, it created a vacuum and was hopelessly stuck. She couldn't drive herself to the hospital, so she had to call 911."
3. "My brother-in-law stuck a shot glass up his butt and had to get it surgically removed. Amazingly, it was up there for three days before he called for his MOTHER to come take him to the hospital."
4. "The wildest thing I saw was when a man came in with a Barbie doll's arm stuck in his urethra (pee hole). Apparently, he ordered a sex doll from eBay, and when it arrived it was actually a Barbie doll. He was so angry that he ripped off the doll's arm and shoved it up his penis."
5. "One time I had a lady come in with a cucumber in her vagina, but it had been there for a couple of days and was rotten. The smell was unbearable."
6. "My adoptive mom used to be a nurse and had a patient come in with a flashlight stuck up his butt. He claimed that he accidentally fell on it, but he had a history of 'falling' on objects that way."
7. "I'm a nurse in an ER. One day a woman came waddling in with a set of tongs stuck between her legs. She inserted the tongs into her vagina, and the clip that holds the tongs got unlocked, so the tongs became hopelessly lodged into her. She had to be taken to the operating room to have them surgically removed. She nearly perforated her uterus."
8. "My step-grandma was a gynecologist. She once had an older woman come in, and at one point they took X-rays. Apparently the woman had a potato growing in her uterus. INSIDE OF HER UTERUS!"
9. "A coworker of mine had a patient who decided to stick a crochet needle up his penis while drunk. The urologist on call had to surgically remove the object."
10. "One guy came in because he tried to make a butt plug out of Legos and duct tape, and he got it stuck in his butt. I wish I was kidding."
11. "My mom always remembers the guy who put a lightbulb up his butt. I asked her how they got it out, and her response was, 'With great difficulty.'"
12. "One night a man came in with the biggest dildo I have ever seen that was shoved in his butt. We actually had to follow him around while holding a bucket under his butt. When it was finally removed, his partner asked us to clean it off and said, 'We're going to need that back,' and then she winked at me."
13. "I work at the gastrointestinal lab at a local hospital. We were doing a colonoscopy on a guy who had a carrot stuck up his butt that his wife put there. We weren't able to remove it, so he had to go into surgery. The colon is curved, people. Don't shove straight, long things up there that aren't flexible."
14. "I once had a guy come in with a showerhead up his butt. He had the whole hose trailing behind him like a tail."
15. "My friend is a nurse in the ER. One time a guy came in and complained that something was stuck in his urethra. He said it hurt too bad to take out, and he ultimately started bleeding from there. Turned out it was a little ballerina figurine from a music windup jewelry box. Wow."
16. "I once had a patient come in with stomach pains. I took an X-ray of his abdomen and asked what happened. He told me he didn't know. I hung his X-ray on the light box and saw that there was a toy lizard in his rectum."
17. "A prisoner came in with penis issues. Turned out he shoved a piece of floss really far up his urethra so he could get out of his cell."
18. "A patient came to the ER because he had a cucumber stuck in his rectum. Before he decided to come in, he tried to get it out WITH A KNIFE. The doctor came out of the room with a very large, bloody cucumber."
19. "My very dear friend is a scribe in an ER, and one day they had an inmate come in who had shoved a combination of six fingernails and toenails in his urethra."
20. "My mom is a nurse, and she said there were guys who would stick live gerbils up their butts because the scratching felt good. I was scarred for life from that story."
21. "I'm a nurse in the ER, and we've had the same patient come in multiple times over the years with all sorts of things shoved up his urethra: pens, pencils, paper clips, a tampon, and even an AA battery."
22. "I worked in a hospital for a very long time. One nurse told me that when she worked in the ER, she had a patient come in complaining of vaginal pain. When they did a pelvic exam, there were roaches in her vagina. That's the worst thing I'd ever heard in my life, and I'm not sure what I would have done if I'd witnessed it."
23. And finally, "One woman came in after putting a can of beef soup in her vagina (not the can, the actual soup). Apparently her boyfriend liked to eat it out of her. We had to fish out a potato that was lodged in there."
Do you have your own emergency room horror story? Tell us about it in the comments below.
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and clarity.