1. Did I really wake up at 7am for this so that I could squeeze in a workout before the 9am show and hence compensate for my unhealthy lifestyle?
2. Why does Shah Rukh Khan not become a singer like he planned to?
3. Why did Sejal think it was necessary to explain the meaning of her name?
4. Why is she still doing it?
5. Why did she think no one would pick up her ring and steal it?
6. Does Sejal think people are going to just say, “Here’s a diamond ring lying on the floor of a popular European tourist spot and is probably worth a fortune. But I WILL NOT PICK IT UP”????
7. Has Imtiaz Ali met lawyers whose parents are diamond merchants in Mumbai?
8. Isn’t that accent…offensive?
9. Has no one told Sejal about the Maya Angelou quote – “When someone shows you who they are, believe them”?
10. Why are we still so afraid to say sexual intercourse on screen? Why are they calling it physical relations? I CAN SEE YOUR MOUTH SAYING INTERCOURSE, SEJAL.
11. Can I be the one to tell Sejal she doesn’t have to be a “sister-type” to not be sexually harassed by a 50-year-old man?
12. Why is she running out every night to follow Harry?
13. Does she understand that stalking is not okay?
14. What does Sejal gain when she follows Harry on his sexual exploits?
15. Does Harry think it’s hot to poke a woman in her belly button?
16. Is that code for something?
17. For someone who’d kill for a Shah Rukh Smoulder™, is it okay that I want to shield myself with pepper spray when he looks at women in this movie?
18. Why does she want him to think she’s hot?
19. What is the underlying issue here, Sejal?
20. Who do we really need to beat up for the way you see your body and your personality?
21. What does Harry mean when he says, “Tum uss type ki ho hi nahi”?
22. What is that type?
23. Are we picking Pokémon types?
24. Can I be a panda-type Pokémon?
25. Why are women blamed for misconstruing a backhanded compliment?
26. Why can’t Harry give a compliment without being a dick?
27. When are we going to stop assuming women are “nakhrewaali” for not being okay with the excuse of a compliment you gave them?
28. Why did Harry shame her for leaving the hotel at night and living her life?
29. Wait, now why is he “saving her life” and then slut-shaming her?
30. Why is he blaming her for being harassed in a club in a country she doesn’t know?
31. Why would you want to be kidnapped by strange men, Sejal?
32. Are you sure you want to say “What you seek is seeking you” right after you were chased by bouncers across the city?
33. Can someone please hand Sejal her boots so that her feet don’t freeze?
34. Do they want to have a go at brushing their teeth before singing loudly in each other’s faces?
35. Why are they behaving like a couple?
36. Isn’t she engaged to a boy named Rupen?
37. Has Sejal never been told to not love men who love pretending to be tortured by their past?
38. Why is she asking to be his girlfriend?
39. Why is she offering a relationship to a man who is clearly not good for womankind?
40. Has no one told the writers that being lonely doesn’t mean someone will offer you love?
41. Wait, she isn’t lying about being a girlfriend?
42. What are labels?
43. Can we now call me Daenerys Stormborn, the First of Her Name, The Unburnt, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Queen of Meereen, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Protector of the Realm, Lady Regnant of the Seven Kingdoms, Breaker of Chains, and Mother of Dragons?
44. Who else thought of Twilight when Harry said he doesn’t deserve to be loved because he is a bad person?
45. Why are they twirling in this café?
46. Are the waiters not scared for the orders they’re carrying because these morons want to waltz in the middle of the café?
47. Are they really still hoping to find this damn ring?
48. Why are they not nice to any white woman they meet?
49. Why are we okay with mocking the anger that women feel when they are unjustifiably abandoned by men?
50. Why is Sejal defending Harry against his ex?
51. Does it really take 20 euros to make a copy of a key?
52. ARE THEY SETTLING THIS RELATIONSHIP WITH 20 EUROS?
53. Can I text the love of my life and ask him to send me a gold-plated yacht for the heartbreak I felt when he didn’t love me back?
54. Does this sidey guy really feel alright about being called Gas?
55. Is it okay to call people Acidity now?
56. Can we write a song named, “Kabhi Kabhi Acidity”?
57. Is it okay that I have laughed at my own joke in the middle of this movie?
58. Does anyone suddenly miss the receptionist from Hotel Decent because of how awful this side character is?
59. Why did Harry get a back story but we still don’t know why Sejal hates herself?
60. Why is she lying about the ring?
61. Why can’t we just end this?
62. Is this payback for the time I thought Imtiaz Ali movies were too short?
63. Did he actually say he thinks Sejal can save him?
64. Who else is happy that she’s packing her bags?
65. WHY ARE THEY NOT GOING HOME?
66. Why is Evelyn Sharma playing a white woman with no brains again?
67. Why is he questioning a woman who wants to actually be with him?
68. Who gave him the right to say she will be called “ghatiya” if she goes back to her fiancé?
69. Why is he regretting letting her go?
70. Why do I still love airport runs and endings?
71. Do I really love this ending or am I just happy this is ending at all?
72. Why didn’t he call her to say he’s coming?
73. Why are they kissing like that?
74. Why won’t they stop kissing?
75. Wait, why don’t we know more about Sejal?
76. Has Imtiaz Ali ever met a heartbroken woman?
77. Has Imtiaz Ali met a woman?
78. Can I suggest Sejal see my therapist?
79. Can I suggest Imtiaz Ali see my therapist?
80. Can I suggest Shah Rukh Khan tenderly hold my hand and come to therapy with me too?
81. Why don’t we know why this woman is so riddled with a low sense of self-worth?
82. Why aren’t any women helping write the women for this movie?
83. Why are we still okay with the tortured hero asking for women to save him?
84. Especially when this man is a 50-year-old sexist pig?
85. Why have I been fooled into thinking Shah Rukh Khan would not make a terrible movie again?
86. Why did I think Imtiaz would make a movie for me, a woman?
87. Why did I think Anushka would take a stand for Sejal against the sexist garbage the movie puts her through?
88. At what point in time did I take it for granted that a team of three extremely talented people (Imtiaz, SRK, and Anushka) could make this burning pile of wasted opportunities?
89. At what point did my disappointment turn into anger?
90. At what point will Bollywood realise that I will easily pick a binge-watch sesh on Netflix if more of this puerile garbage is made?
91. At what point was it okay for me to be made a fool by the thing I love and cherish the most in this world?
92. At what point did I stop giving a fuck and realise mediocrity on Bollywood’s part was indefensible?
93. At what point will I stop giving them my money anyway?