What It Looks Like To Live With Depression

A lot of people don't understand what they can't see for themselves. I decided a few months ago I wanted to try to explain to people what living with depression is like. I take a whole slew of medications and go to cognitive therapy. I know this is not something that I or anyone else has caused. Much like a diabetic doesn't make enough insulin, my levels of serotonin and dopamine are unbalanced. It could be genetic and it could be environmental. Doctors and scientists are still unsure of what actually causes depression. Over 350 million people suffer from depression. This is hardly something to be taken lightly. If you do decide to judge me, that's ok too. Not everyone will understand this but for those that do, I hope it may help you see the world through a different perspective.

1.

Melissa Jean Photography / Via Facebook: sara.rich.775

I would give anything to close my eyes and when I open them, I'll finally per the person that want so badly to be. Sometimes I close my eyes and think when I open them my world will be completely different. There are so many things that I want to change. Most people would set goals but I'm too scared that I'll fail. Or maybe I'm afraid of what might happen if I succeeded. I live with a lot of "I should have's". Would things be better if I would have made better choices? Would I still be depressed? Was this all inevitable? No matter what I could have done this was how I was meant to be. I struggle a lot with that. Is it acceptance or am I just giving in? Do I give in and accept my depression for what type of person it makes me?A lot of times I can be irritable, negative and quick to snap to the people that matter the most to me. Oh, the guilt that I live with for hurting those people. But I love them so dearly for staying by my side. I think that it's very fair to say that without them I probably wouldn't be alive.

2.

Melissa Jean Photography / Via Facebook: sara.rich.775

If you have ever suffered a panic or anxiety attack you know the immediate feeling of not being able to breath. The walls are closing in. Everyone else is getting bigger and you are getting smaller. The only thing you can think of is "How can I get out of here? How can I escape this?" But you never can. Escaping your reality is never really an option.

3.

Melissa Jean Photography / Via Facebook: sara.rich.775

My reality is very different from yours. I see things differently than you do. I tend to over think and over analyze everything. I'm an all or nothing person. Everything to me is black and white. Never a gray area. This puts a strain on my relationships with a lot of people. My thought process is: Do it perfectly and don't waste your efforts or don't do it at all. A lot of times I choose option number 2. If it won't be done perfectly then don't bother trying. "Oh you're so negative, Sara." Maybe. But I've also attempted the "tried and true" preventative measures. I joined a gym and really gave my all into working out and eating clean. "Don't you feel so much better?" No. Actually I don't. The workouts give me anxiety and clean eating isn't making me feel a lot better either. It was too much for me to process and plan for. During the time that the gym was closed we had a week break. It was so easy for me to give up and stop going. All or nothing. I keep choosing nothing because it's so much more comfortable and guaranteed. I wish I wouldn't have given up so easily. I wish I didn't regret so many of the decisions that I've made in my life. Things could have been so much better.

4.

Melissa Jean Photography / Via Facebook: sara.rich.775

Just take the pills. Take all of them. These medications won't cause you any harm. You'll feel better. I promise.

Over the course of my lifetime I've tried at least 30 different medications for depression, anxiety, ADD and mood disorders. Every time that I'm prescribed a new drug, I close my eyes and pray to God "Please let this be what makes me better." So far over the last 6 years of this constant battle I feel that things have gotten worse instead of better. I've lost my drive and motivation. The happiness is long gone from my eyes. I would give anything to get that back so I take all the medications prescribed to me hoping that one day I'll wake up and feel ok.

5.

Melissa Jean Photography / Via Facebook: sara.rich.775

That moment when you realize that you're your own worst enemy.

6.

Melissa Jean Photography / Via Facebook: sara.rich.775

I had another appointment yesterday. I have one at least once if not twice per week. Different kinds of Dr.'s but it gets to be a lot. Talking about your feelings and what you are going through gets old. I'm trapped with my feelings 24/7 the last thing that I want to do is talk about with someone. I've realized this pattern of thinking has become my life. Depression slowly crept up on me and eventually took over me. This is who I've become. People say "I'm not my depression". Well, I am. It is me. It defines my thought pattern, destructive behaviors, my actions and reactions. Again, am I accepting this for who I am or am I just giving in?

7.

Melissa Jean Photography / Via Facebook: sara.rich.775

"But my dear, this is not Wonderland and you are not Alice." Instead of little viles to drink, I am given magic pills. I was told that the magic pills will make me happier, smarter, more focused and motivated. Nothing could be farther from the truth. The more I have taken, the more I have given up. I'm afraid that nothing will ever work. The possibility of that being my reality is very real. I've fallen down the rabbit hole.