All the Times I Thought I’d Die, But Didn’t

I grew up in Miami — crowned the seventh most dangerous city in the country, with the #1 basketball team (yeah!) — so reading about the Florida Man’s fuckery wasn’t funny. Sometimes I couldn’t even walk anywhere without thinking about how I might fall into a sinkhole and land inside of someone’s torture chamber. And on top of living in the WTF state, I repeatedly made decisions that put me in nerve-racking situations, like when I picked up a hitchhiker who, hours earlier, had been released from prison. So it’s truly a wonder that I survived 2013. Here’s a list of the times when I believed I was going to die, but didn’t:


When I was driving a rental car and noticed a large black bag in the backseat.


When I thought that a would-be rapist was staring at me, but it turned out to be a life-size cutout of Dale Earnhardt Jr.


When I rode a bus for 20 hours and sat next to a woman who was on her way to audition for “Bad Girls Club.”


When I found a pen, but left it on the ground because it could’ve been a bomb.


When I binge watched “Law & Order: SVU” and then rode the bus with only white men.


When I met an exotic weapons master who tried to convince me that Obama’s Islamic Front was going to end civilization.


When I got into an argument with a sorceress on YouTube and she put a curse on me.


When I watched “Ancient Aliens” and then bumped into my roommate’s cat in the dark.


When I ate a hash cupcake and thought that I was animorphing into a mosquito.


When I ate an entire bottle of gummy vitamins.


When Justin Bieber falsely announced his retirement.


When I heard “The Scientist” for the first time after a breakup.


When my ex-girlfriend was sleep talking and mumbled, “I want to rip your skin off.”


When my roommate was driving and suddenly said, “I’ll feel really stupid if I crash because I’m watching this caterpillar crawl across my windshield.”


When I was stuck on a plane with tipsy theater kids who kept belting out lines from “West Side Story.”


And when I fell down my stairs while holding my MacBook and made more of an effort to save it from breaking than to save myself from dying.

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