When I was driving a rental car and noticed a large black bag in the backseat.
When I thought that a would-be rapist was staring at me, but it turned out to be a life-size cutout of Dale Earnhardt Jr.
When I rode a bus for 20 hours and sat next to a woman who was on her way to audition for “Bad Girls Club.”
When I found a pen, but left it on the ground because it could’ve been a bomb.
When I binge watched “Law & Order: SVU” and then rode the bus with only white men.
When I met an exotic weapons master who tried to convince me that Obama’s Islamic Front was going to end civilization.
When I got into an argument with a sorceress on YouTube and she put a curse on me.
When I watched “Ancient Aliens” and then bumped into my roommate’s cat in the dark.
When I ate a hash cupcake and thought that I was animorphing into a mosquito.
When I ate an entire bottle of gummy vitamins.
When Justin Bieber falsely announced his retirement.
When I heard “The Scientist” for the first time after a breakup.
When my ex-girlfriend was sleep talking and mumbled, “I want to rip your skin off.”
When my roommate was driving and suddenly said, “I’ll feel really stupid if I crash because I’m watching this caterpillar crawl across my windshield.”
When I was stuck on a plane with tipsy theater kids who kept belting out lines from “West Side Story.”
And when I fell down my stairs while holding my MacBook and made more of an effort to save it from breaking than to save myself from dying.
- We've compiled an extensive (but not exhaustive) list of lies, exaggerations, and bullshit from Trump's first 100 days in office 💯
- An admitted fraudster has access to Trump through his wife's job at Mar-a-Lago — and he's tried to use it to his advantage.
- Arkansas executed Kenneth Williams Thursday night — just days before one of the state's execution drugs expires.
- Fyre Festival — organized by Ja Rule and billed as a luxury event — has turned into a total shitshow and people are livid 💸😱