Online Dating Is Like Wading Through A Frog-Filled Swamp. But, I'm Not Bitter. I'm A Fucking Princess.

Frog: "Winter is Coming." Princess: "Looks like I have something in common with Winter."

1. Why is it so difficult to send a normal fucking message?

You came into the online dating process honest, determined, and hopeful, didn't you?

hahaha

Sorry. But, let's be real. Most of our online dating inboxes are a cesspool of poorly-written messages dripping with unfortunate grammar mistakes and nonchalance.

It's fucking hilarious if you forget that this is your dating life.

2. This is your dating life

Let's explore that for a minute. Yes?

Your experience is not isolated. Dating today is just…different. And maybe it's because the daters of today are different than the daters of "before."

Or maybe it's because we're communicating through a medium that exacerbates our immaturity. The internet and these dating sites holds us to a lesser standard and that's…well, it's really fucking bad.

Don't believe me? Read on.

3. Hello! Seems normal enough...I'll fix that.

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Looks like I have something in common with winter.

4. Jewish jokes are the best jokes.

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Honestly, that doesn't surprise me. Can I tell you a secret? In order to uphold our reputation as masters of the universe, the Jewish people have had to institute a kind of "entrance" exam. We call it the Nu, which is a well-known Yiddish phrase and also an acronym that stands for "Noteworthy or Unintelligent."

We administer the Nu to Jewish children at the age of 5. It involves taste-testing Gefilte fish, participating in a latke eating contest, and writing a 36-page thesis on a research topic of the participant's choice. It's basically our version of the SAT. Now, while there's certainly no empirical evidence to show that the exam provides true insight into the intelligence, or future earning potential, of the child, it's a tradition so who are we to change that?

The children who don't pass are pawned off to neighbors and friends. And before you react, I think it's important you see where we're coming from on this. It's not that we don't love the "unintelligent," it's just that we don't cope well with rejection letters from Medical or Law Schools. Parents especially. So, we do our best to simply avoid that embarrassment and shame.

And that's why all the Jews you meet are so smart.

You're welcome.

*NOTE: To avoid the perpetuation of stereotypes like the one you used in your message to me, I'd like to note that the Nu Exam does not really exist. And also that we don't pawn unwanted children off to neighbors and friends. We bury them alive.

5. Scratch that. Cheesy pick lines for the win!

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No whey! Let's taco bout this. First of all, this swiss ain't brie. Ya feel me? We may both be singles, but in queso you didn't notice, it's not gonna be cheesy to melt my heart. You feta come up with a grater plan. Break the mold. Be bold.

Your mild attempt is making me bleu. Seriously, curdn't you instead just invite me out? Make my livarot happy and buy me a drink. Spend some of your cheddar on me. Cheese whiz, you cheap muenster!

Did sending me jokes really sound like fondue you? Getting me drunk sounds gouda to me. Was that nacho plan from the get-go anyway?

Challenge extended. I dairy you.

6. Everyone loves a self-hating racist.

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This is mildly offensive. But, since you're insulting your own people, I'll allow it.

PS. Not interested. I don't date people from Africa. I mean, frauds. I mean, uhhh

7. But, not as much as a silver fox!

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Whoa. First of all, you are not a little older. Let that be known. You're twice my age. You lived my entire life once and then you did it again. So as much as I'd like your age to be just a number to me too, it isn't.

Secondly, unless you're dancing as a sport in the Special Olympics, fun is never a substitute for muscles and athleticism. It's just not.

Thirdly, I see you. So, no it wouldn't help if you were 6'5''. It's a weird thing to ask if it would help if you were 6'5''. If I had said yes, I'm curious how would you become taller than you are now? Are you Benjamin Button? Can you miraculously go through puberty at age 58? Cause that's something I'm interested in seeing.

Ps. You're seeking women ages 25-55? That's going to give me nightmares. I can't unsee that.

8. Just...yuck.

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Dear handsome, clean, professional looking guy,

You are not an executive. At least not at any notable company. And that's that. No way you've ever been hired to do anything other than stock the break room or sweep the floor. You are the epitome of the shortcomings of our educational system and I am sincerely afraid for your future.

What? Too harsh? Fine. I can coddle.

What an offer! To compliment your undoubtedly mad skills in the bedroom, I note that you have a wide variety of adjectives, commas, and bullshit to offer a woman. Color me both intrigued and disgusted.

I would love to meet you for coffee or dinner to see if we share a mutual attraction to each other. I do not smoke or drinks either.

Appreciate you time,

ONE attractive, feminine, intelligent, classy, expressive woman

9. Good luck out there.

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