Things That Were Better Before I Realised What They Were.

Some things are named deliberately to mislead. Sometimes I'm too trusting of people. Because of these facts and because I jump to conclusions I have had some crushing disappoints in my life and I defy you not to enjoy my pain. If there aren't any Wookies, why isn't it just called a hole?!

1. The Wookey Hole

Oh, it's not a Star Wars theme park? It's a cave? What can we do here?.... I'll wait in the car.

2. The Parent Trap

I was picturing a Saw before Saw even knew what Saw was type-film: parents hacking frantically through a series of horror-inducing nightmare-games with high, life-ending stakes, But what did we actually see at my 13th birthday sleepover?... At least that was my story then and it's my story now. Disprove it, I dare you.

3. Condoms should definitely beep.

I was told, at a young age, that condoms were a device you could put on your nose that would beep if a member of the opposite sex fancied you. Pre-Tinder this device would have been Invaluable, so imagine my dismay when the inevitable cucumber-related PSHE lesson arrived. Disappointment equals bitter.

4. My friend's pawn collection.

Two thirteen year olds.

Friend: I have an extensive pawn collection. Do you want borrow it?

Me: (furtive) umm,.. yes.

Friend: Then, after, maybe we can play?

Me: What?!? Oh.... chess.

5. Every Remote Control Car I Ever Had.

Dammit, I keep forgetting that my bedroom isn't an amazing, off-road rally track. I'll just put this in the cupboard until it stops raining... *batteries die never to be replaced*.

6. Crutches

Somehow, as a child, I got it into my head (and I don't think I'm alone here) that having crutches was the absolute zenith of cool. That having crutches was akin to being a cyborg: part boy, part machine; one part Iron man, one part Inspector Gadget.

Until I broke my leg then it was time for my appointment. What appointment? Dis appointment.

7. Sliced bread.

Sliced bread. This is is nothing more than an a impressive marketing campaign. What's so great about it? it saves seconds, not hours and definitely not lives. Ah, the lifestraw that's pretty amazing: the best thing since sliced bread.