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    29 Things That Happen On Every Episode Of "Vanderpump Rules"

    Someone's gonna get slapped.

    1. Someone throws a birthday party. They think that no drama is going to go down.

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    2. A fight happens at that party. We knew this was going to happen.

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    This fight will fuel the rest of the season.

    3. Scheana fights for some kind of voice/more airtime.

    4. Tom Sandoval wears something extremely questionable.

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    Really? A vest? A PATTERNED VEST?

    5. Stassi pretends like she doesn't want to see Jax.

    6. Jax tries to lie about something. He sucks at it.

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    7. Stassi says something really fucked up that makes us question her sanity...

    ... Or at least her soul.

    8. Kristen gets a crazy look in her eyes and you realize that there's nothing you can do to save her from herself.

    9. One of Jax's "girlfriends" calls him a coward.

    10. Scheana obsessively talks about her engagement/wedding/marriage.

    11. Katie searches for as much tequila as possible to be able to tolerate the others.

    12. Lisa politely delivers someone's ass on a plate.

    13. The boys work out without a shirt on.

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    We get it: YOU HAVE ABS.

    14. Someone gets slapped/punched/a drink thrown at them.

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    15. Stassi reminds everyone of how pretty she is.



    (Images via)

    16. Jax does something stupid for a girl.

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    See: Getting a tattoo of a girl's name. TWICE.

    17. Ariana will say something that is both horrifying and amazing at the same time.

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    18. Shay makes an appearance and we'll wonder why Scheana doesn't quit the show and live a quiet life with him.

    19. Someone will mention sex.


    Sex is good. Unless you're Kristen and have sex with your BFF's ex-boyfriend.

    20. Someone is flabbergasted as to how Jax bested them.

    21. Katie emerges as our voice of reason...


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    ... Whether she uses words or not.

    22. Jax makes one of these faces.

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    23. Kristen cries.

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    24. Lisa says something that you would think would be pretty obvious.

    25. Tom Schwartz starts a fight but looks really cute doing it.

    26. Scheana gets injured.

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    She's running out of body parts. Bonus: Shay looks confused.

    27. Tom and Kristen get into a fight.

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    MOVE ON.

    28. Peter wonders, "Am I the only one actually working here?"

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    Yes, Peter.

    29. Lisa wonders why she agreed to let this show happen.

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    "Good publicity for SUR," she whispers repeatedly as she cries herself to sleep.

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