29 Things That Happen On Every Episode Of "Vanderpump Rules"
Someone's gonna get slapped.
1. Someone throws a birthday party. They think that no drama is going to go down.
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2. A fight happens at that party. We knew this was going to happen.
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This fight will fuel the rest of the season.
3. Scheana fights for some kind of voice/more airtime.
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4. Tom Sandoval wears something extremely questionable.
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Really? A vest? A PATTERNED VEST?
5. Stassi pretends like she doesn't want to see Jax.
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6. Jax tries to lie about something. He sucks at it.
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7. Stassi says something really fucked up that makes us question her sanity...
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... Or at least her soul.
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8. Kristen gets a crazy look in her eyes and you realize that there's nothing you can do to save her from herself.
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9. One of Jax's "girlfriends" calls him a coward.
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10. Scheana obsessively talks about her engagement/wedding/marriage.
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11. Katie searches for as much tequila as possible to be able to tolerate the others.
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12. Lisa politely delivers someone's ass on a plate.
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13. The boys work out without a shirt on.
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We get it: YOU HAVE ABS.
14. Someone gets slapped/punched/a drink thrown at them.
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15. Stassi reminds everyone of how pretty she is.
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16. Jax does something stupid for a girl.
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See: Getting a tattoo of a girl's name. TWICE.
17. Ariana will say something that is both horrifying and amazing at the same time.
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18. Shay makes an appearance and we'll wonder why Scheana doesn't quit the show and live a quiet life with him.
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19. Someone will mention sex.
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Sex is good. Unless you're Kristen and have sex with your BFF's ex-boyfriend.
20. Someone is flabbergasted as to how Jax bested them.
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... Whether she uses words or not.
22. Jax makes one of these faces.
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23. Kristen cries.
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24. Lisa says something that you would think would be pretty obvious.
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25. Tom Schwartz starts a fight but looks really cute doing it.
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26. Scheana gets injured.
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She's running out of body parts. Bonus: Shay looks confused.
27. Tom and Kristen get into a fight.
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MOVE ON.
28. Peter wonders, "Am I the only one actually working here?"
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Yes, Peter.
29. Lisa wonders why she agreed to let this show happen.
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"Good publicity for SUR," she whispers repeatedly as she cries herself to sleep.