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    I'm Gonna Go Ahead And Say It: The Sex In The "Fifty Shades" Movie Is Shit

    Thrust. Thrust. All done.

    Note: This post includes a lot of GIFs and photos of sex from the Fifty Shades of Grey movies so it's v NSFW. Also don't scroll down if bad sex offends you.

    Let's acknowledge the elephant in the room: Yes, I love the Fifty Shades of Grey movies. I never read the books and I was over a year late to see the first flick, but once I did I was HOOKED.

    So when the second film — obvi titled Fifty Shades Darker — came out, you best believe I saw it opening weekend. The production value was great. The outfits were gorg. The dialogue was as stilted as ever and I was HERE for it. But then I realized something...

    As fans know, Christian has Ana sign a sex contract and with constant talk of his past "lovers" (one even tries to kill Ana in the sequel), you think, man, this guy really seems like an expert on the act of sexual intercourse.

    And when we watch them ~foreplay~, Christian seems bomb at it.

    Ice cube...nice.

    Excellent job with your tongue, Mr. Grey!

    I'm not really into feathers, but this seems aight!

    But once the foreplay is over — which only lasts for like, three seconds — and the two hop on the Bonetown Express, the sex becomes...this:

    I am no expert but I can tell you this shit is laaaaame.

    Oh wow, Christian is really fucking Ana with the confidence of a human being when I am convinced he is just a sentient robot.

    And while I'm glad he at least took his pants off for this session, I am still distracted by the terrible thrusting that exists here.

    Ana (as if you are a real human woman), I know you lost your virginity to this guy. So I need you to know that there are other guys out there — guys who move their hips more than two inches back-and-forth and don't order you to cum after three seconds.

    Look, I know these are fictional character but I can't help myself. No one deserves bad sex!

    Ana, you can do better.