I'm Gonna Go Ahead And Say It: The Sex In The "Fifty Shades" Movie Is Shit

Thrust. Thrust. All done.

Note: This post includes a lot of GIFs and photos of sex from the Fifty Shades of Grey movies so it's v NSFW. Also don't scroll down if bad sex offends you.

Let's acknowledge the elephant in the room: Yes, I love the Fifty Shades of Grey movies. I never read the books and I was over a year late to see the first flick, but once I did I was HOOKED.

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For those who know nothing about the series: college student Anastasia (Ana) Steele meets a young billionaire named Christian Grey and he introduces her to the world of BDSM. Of course they fall in love even though Christian is "closed off" (he's mad rich/hot so let's ignore all the red flags) and decides he doesn't need countless women to sign contracts to enter into sadistic relationships with him — Ana is the only one for him!

So when the second film — obvi titled Fifty Shades Darker — came out, you best believe I saw it opening weekend. The production value was great. The outfits were gorg. The dialogue was as stilted as ever and I was HERE for it. But then I realized something...

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That's right! The sex, which is 99.9% of the reason why people read these books/see these movies — don't lie to yourself and pretend like you watch them for the dialogue — is FUCKING AWFUL. And I'm not even talking about how in the second film they have sex immediately after Christian survives a helicopter crash even though he might be sore.

As fans know, Christian has Ana sign a sex contract and with constant talk of his past "lovers" (one even tries to kill Ana in the sequel), you think, man, this guy really seems like an expert on the act of sexual intercourse.

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And when we watch them ~foreplay~, Christian seems bomb at it.

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We're doing well so far!

Ice cube...nice.

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Excellent job with your tongue, Mr. Grey!

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(Ana obviously thinks so too.)

I'm not really into feathers, but this seems aight!

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And their spanking/whipping? Sure, why not — everyone has their thing!

But once the foreplay is over — which only lasts for like, three seconds — and the two hop on the Bonetown Express, the sex becomes...this:

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I am no expert but I can tell you this shit is laaaaame.

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Oh wow, Christian is really fucking Ana with the confidence of a human being when I am convinced he is just a sentient robot.

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Lack of self-awareness? Check.

And while I'm glad he at least took his pants off for this session, I am still distracted by the terrible thrusting that exists here.

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But seriously, he rarely takes off his pants for intercourse, which might give Ana some weird zipper marks.

Ana (as if you are a real human woman), I know you lost your virginity to this guy. So I need you to know that there are other guys out there — guys who move their hips more than two inches back-and-forth and don't order you to cum after three seconds.

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DUDE, MAYBE IT TAKES MORE THAN A COUPLE OF THRUSTS TO GET HER OFF.

Look, I know these are fictional character but I can't help myself. No one deserves bad sex!

Ana, you can do better.

HBO

Don't @ me.