1. Clean up after yourself, duh.
2. But also clean up after your spouse.
3. Actually, just clean everything at all times. There should never be a second when you're not cleaning.
4. Except when you're cooking — expect to have dinner on the table every single night.
5. Even if you've worked 12 hours, can't feel your feet, feel like you're going to burst into tears, don't you dare let your partner cook or — gasp — ORDER food.
6. Make sure each meal is a big meal too — and bonus points if it's a recipe from your in-law that reminds your S.O. of their childhood with each bite.
7. Don't let anyone know how long it took you to cook or else people might think it's a chore.
8. And those dishes afterwards? All you. ;)
9. If your partner wants 1,000 kids, guess what? Have 1,000 kids!
10. Or if they want NO kids, then have no kids. Who cares if you want them?
11. But if you do have kids, make sure they never ever annoy your S.O. with things.
12. As the wife, you're in charge of everything kid-related, duh!
13. So don't you dare get stressed out if your S.O. can't "babysit" the children.
14. Don't take trips on your own or with your friends. If your partner can't come, then you're not allowed to go.
15. But of course if your S.O. wants to go on a trip with their friends or something, they should totally go.
16. And you can't complain because they reaaaally need that break.
17. Do all the chores that need to be done in a timely manner, because if your S.O. finds out that the laundry doesn't magically fold itself then their head will spontaneously combust.
18. If your S.O. walks on the floor you just mopped with muddy shoes, simply smile and nod!
19. Buy all the things you need to buy to make your home a functioning household...
20. ...without spending any money — even if it was your own — so your S.O. doesn't get mad at you.
21. Be available for sex at all times.
22. Tired? Sick? Sad? Sorry, get ready to go to bang-town because your partner had a hard day and needs to let go of some stress.
23. Because of that, make sure you always look 100% bangable.
24. Makeup should always be done, and you should always be wearing the perfect outfit.
25. So throw out anything comfortable like leggings and sweats.
26. If you don't look PERFECT at all times, then your partner will go looking for someone "hot" and you don't want that, do you?
27. Because then their cheating is TOTALLY warranted.
28. Don't burden your partner with your "feelings."
29. Cause how are they supposed to go about their day knowing that you're not feeling 100%?
30. So never, ever ask ANYONE for help.
31. Nagging is, like, the least hot thing ever, so don't do it.
32. ESPECIALLY when your S.O. is watching TV and you need to ask something really important.
33. But, like, nag sometimes because your S.O. needs to complain about your nagging to fit in with their friends.
34. Be extremely smart and funny but never open your mouth, because you wouldn't want your S.O. to feel dimmed by your light.
35. Basically, no one should be able to tell the difference between you, a human being, and a hot AF robot.