Buzz·Posted on Nov 30, 201950 Tweets That Made Women Piss Themselves With Laughter In 2019"Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you."by Shelby HeinrichBuzzFeed StaffLinkFacebookPinterestTwitterMail 1. Hana @ohanabaig my ex from a couple years ago has a new girlfriend and she liked and unliked one of my pics from a year ago and if youre out there i just want you to know its ok it happens to the best of us good luck out there 05:56 AM - 05 Mar 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 2. not a chill girl @notchillgirl billie eilish is just one of thousands if not millions of 17 year olds I am afraid of 06:48 PM - 12 Jun 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 3. 1984’s George Whorewell @EwdatsGROSS [during sex] Me: hurt me Him: your metabolism isn’t what it was in high school and it shows Me: wait Him: you never lived up to your potential because you rely on talent instead of work ethic & immediately abandon everything you’re bad at because you’re afraid of failure 01:03 AM - 19 Jun 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 4. Tabir Akhter @tabir my brain attempting to produce serotonin 12:53 AM - 14 Mar 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 5. Molly Priddy @mollypriddy the exits https://t.co/nurmbamQrS 08:58 PM - 30 Apr 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 6. Myla @myla_loecke Coworker: “hey can you take my shift?” Me: “of course!” Me: hey so it turns out I have open heart surgery Tuesday Ik it’s kinda late notice but like do you think you could pick up my shift? Coworker : sorry it’s my dogs half birthday otherwise I totally would :// 01:13 AM - 10 Mar 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 7. Lucy Huber @clhubes Men writing women characters: She was beautiful but didn’t know it. She was 5’7 and 101 pounds. Her feet were size 3. Her hat size was Infant. She’d never thrown up, even once. Her periods lasted 45 minutes. Her top was see-through. 07:07 PM - 17 Feb 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 8. Kate Berlant @kateberlant Apple combining the headphone and charging jack remains one of the most sinister abuses of power to date 03:38 AM - 10 Mar 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 9. Lindsay Carbone @LindsayCarbone8 Straight line: _______________________________ Dashed line: ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ Girl from my high school who thinks she's an influencer: ------------------------------ 09:00 PM - 16 Oct 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 10. juliet @julietmoore_ i think i’ve found the greatest YouTube comment ever written 04:01 PM - 17 Feb 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 11. Kristen Arnett @Kristen_Arnett good morning to everyone but especially the woman in the crosswalk on my way to work who didn’t like that someone honked at her to hurry so she stopped and did a couple jumping jacks 02:37 PM - 21 Feb 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 12. Kylie Ross @kylieross24 Y’all remember when we used to only wear stuff like this or that’s just somethin we never gonna talk about? 01:30 AM - 08 Jun 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 13. Dana Schwartz @DanaSchwartzzz EVERY WOMAN IN MY LIFE: juggling 3 jobs, does yoga, cooks, goes to therapy, remembers everyone's birthday THEIR BOYFRIENDS: once almost made a dinner reservation but turns out the place was closed 08:44 PM - 17 Apr 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 14. Kara 🖤 @KaraKempp “Let’s go out tonight” Me: 02:59 PM - 12 Aug 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 15. Emily M Murphy @emilyemsmurfy Y’all really thought vannessa would walk 1000 miles for what...A MAN???!!! https://t.co/RNse1QA7Bt 11:01 PM - 15 Aug 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 16. naomi @nayohmee michael cera is trending so i’d like to make it publicly known that i am his doppelgänger 10:48 PM - 06 Aug 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 17. ً @moominsmoons i am never deleting tik tok 11:05 PM - 16 Aug 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 18. Anu @anugov1 men are trash but i am a raccoon -Rupi Kaur 03:42 PM - 13 Aug 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 19. ᴹᴱᴰᵁᶻᴬ @bigdickfrieza Boyfriend: what’s wrong? Girlfriend: nothing.... Girlfriend the rest of the day: 01:32 AM - 13 Sep 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 20. The Suede-Denim Secret Police @MiseryVulture Girl, I'm a sweet guy Reply to all your tweets guy Be cool if we could meet guy Send pics of your feet guy Please reply to my chat type Or else I will get mad type You only date Chads type Whatever, you're so fat type I'm a niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice guy Bitch 02:02 PM - 02 Aug 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 21. Sidney @SidwWolfe If anyone wants to know how my weekend went I totaled my car while dressed up as Carrie and everyone who was a first responder thought I was dead HAHAHAHA IM SO SORRY 04:19 PM - 28 Oct 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 22. Sophie @jil_slander This email finds me suffering actually but thank u 03:51 PM - 15 Nov 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 23. faith @seriouslyfaith In middle school when girls would text each other “will you dress up with me tomorrow” this is what they meant 03:13 AM - 31 Dec 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 24. andrea @unndreuh I WAS NOT EXPECTING THIS LMAO 10:21 PM - 31 Dec 2018 Reply Retweet Favorite 25. helena @freshhel carrie bradshaw will be like “They were the perfect heel...for the perfect date...with the perfect man” and the shoes look like this 04:36 AM - 15 Nov 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 26. lenaaaa 🥱 @lenarios27 Nobody: The waiter at Olive Garden: 05:51 PM - 11 Nov 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 27. corie johnson @corietjohnson my therapist just referred to her therapist as my grand-therapist . trying to process. 04:21 PM - 30 Oct 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 28. caitie delaney @caitiedelaney here’s my impression of the engineer who was in the studio with Fat Joe that day 05:32 PM - 12 Mar 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 29. steph mccann @steph_mcca hate when stores sell shirts called "the boyfriend tee" honey boyfriend tees are FREE you think i'm just gonna BUY a big shirt??? no fucking way! i earned this Slaughterhouse Five t-shirt through months of gaslighting 06:55 PM - 15 Aug 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 30. Karen Chee @karencheee People say committees don’t work but that’s bc they haven’t seen a group of women gather to help one person draft & send a risky text 03:18 AM - 15 Nov 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 31. ken @kenleyshelbie Someones gotta pay the rent 09:23 PM - 13 Aug 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 32. Nathalie Antonia! @natsantonia To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection. 05:38 PM - 11 Nov 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 33. xoxo, kylie @meanspice you all love ur boyfriends but do u love them more then u loved one direction in 2012 04:56 PM - 28 May 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 34. madilynn @madilynnflower promiscuous girl, promiscuous boy, wherever you are you already know im all alone and its that im all yours you that I want what u waiting for? 04:42 AM - 26 May 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 35. lucy,, @curledbitch nobody: 11 yr old relationships: 11:33 PM - 25 May 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 36. meera (but like, the online version) @hiranimeera Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you 11:23 AM - 13 Aug 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 37. Andrea🦆 @itsdrea_0 I know y’all craving a man like mine 03:34 AM - 17 Aug 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 38. Kitty Wenham-Ross @kittywenham men hitting on a painting 07:29 PM - 19 Aug 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 39. colleen @Coll3enG i was spending the night at a boy’s and he said “oh ur wearing makeup, do you wanna do your skin care routine in my bathroom” so i went to the bathroom and i was like yo where is the face wash and he was like next to the sink”...he wanted me to wash my face with dial hand soap 11:47 PM - 19 Aug 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 40. 💨No Match Windy, No? @nomatchwindyno Blonde woman, top left. She is all of us 😂 11:24 PM - 26 Aug 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 41. bambi! 🍓 @dollbambs I’m so done with being insecure I cannot be letting Lizzo down like this anymore. 10:20 AM - 16 Aug 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 42. Brown Peggy Olson @ahdiv_me The male equivalent of getting bangs is thinking about doing stand up 01:25 AM - 04 Aug 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 43. laney @laneymlemus so i tried the phone number neighbor thing- and lemme tell u im HOLLERING AT THE END 10:21 PM - 03 Aug 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite Twitter: @laneymlemus 44. allison klemes @allisonklemes broh driving in la is such a trip i’m still laughing 08:01 PM - 06 Aug 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 45. discount miranada cosgrove (chad) @sarahnicoleryer have you or a family member ever dated a guy named matt. you maybe entitled to compensation 01:31 AM - 15 Oct 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 46. 𝔐𝔞𝔯𝔰 @sailormarspimp houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away... 03:01 PM - 03 Aug 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 47. Lyss🤷🏽♀️ @alyssanikaye11 I posted a picture on my insta in my ex’s shirt and let’s just say he probably won’t ask for it back again anytime soon 03:52 AM - 07 Aug 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 48. nicole @NTBnicole13 the other night my boyfriend & i got drunk together, i went to go to the bathroom & guess i was in there too long, so he told me if i’m okay to grab the cheezit 10:26 PM - 03 Aug 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 49. Moopes @Moopes17 Carrie Underwood: “he's probably buying her some fruity little drink 'cause she can't shoot whiskey” 8 yr old me: wow how embarrassing 03:38 AM - 06 Sep 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite 50. martha knight @marthonite 'no worries if not!' I type, with full knowledge that, if not, I will worry 02:35 PM - 27 Aug 2019 Reply Retweet Favorite It's the end of 2019, and we're looking back on the year. Check out even more Best of 2019 content here!