50 Tweets That Made Women Piss Themselves With Laughter In 2019
"Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you."
1.
my ex from a couple years ago has a new girlfriend and she liked and unliked one of my pics from a year ago and if youre out there i just want you to know its ok it happens to the best of us good luck out there
2.
billie eilish is just one of thousands if not millions of 17 year olds I am afraid of
3.
![[during sex]
Me: hurt me
Him: your metabolism isn’t what it was in high school and it shows
Me: wait
Him: you never lived up to your potential because you rely on talent instead of work ethic & immediately abandon everything you’re bad at because you’re afraid of failure](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/1117862089173893128/N7vvxB7L_normal.jpg)
[during sex] Me: hurt me Him: your metabolism isn’t what it was in high school and it shows Me: wait Him: you never lived up to your potential because you rely on talent instead of work ethic & immediately abandon everything you’re bad at because you’re afraid of failure
4.
my brain attempting to produce serotonin
5.
the exits https://t.co/nurmbamQrS
6.
Coworker: “hey can you take my shift?” Me: “of course!” Me: hey so it turns out I have open heart surgery Tuesday Ik it’s kinda late notice but like do you think you could pick up my shift? Coworker : sorry it’s my dogs half birthday otherwise I totally would ://
7.
Men writing women characters: She was beautiful but didn’t know it. She was 5’7 and 101 pounds. Her feet were size 3. Her hat size was Infant. She’d never thrown up, even once. Her periods lasted 45 minutes. Her top was see-through.
8.
Apple combining the headphone and charging jack remains one of the most sinister abuses of power to date
9.
Straight line: _______________________________ Dashed line: ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ ____ Girl from my high school who thinks she's an influencer: ------------------------------
10.
i think i’ve found the greatest YouTube comment ever written
11.
good morning to everyone but especially the woman in the crosswalk on my way to work who didn’t like that someone honked at her to hurry so she stopped and did a couple jumping jacks
12.
Y’all remember when we used to only wear stuff like this or that’s just somethin we never gonna talk about?
13.
EVERY WOMAN IN MY LIFE: juggling 3 jobs, does yoga, cooks, goes to therapy, remembers everyone's birthday THEIR BOYFRIENDS: once almost made a dinner reservation but turns out the place was closed
14.
“Let’s go out tonight” Me:
15.
Y’all really thought vannessa would walk 1000 miles for what...A MAN???!!! https://t.co/RNse1QA7Bt
16.
michael cera is trending so i’d like to make it publicly known that i am his doppelgänger
17.
i am never deleting tik tok
18.
men are trash but i am a raccoon -Rupi Kaur
19.
Boyfriend: what’s wrong? Girlfriend: nothing.... Girlfriend the rest of the day:
20.
Girl, I'm a sweet guy Reply to all your tweets guy Be cool if we could meet guy Send pics of your feet guy Please reply to my chat type Or else I will get mad type You only date Chads type Whatever, you're so fat type I'm a niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice guy Bitch
21.
If anyone wants to know how my weekend went I totaled my car while dressed up as Carrie and everyone who was a first responder thought I was dead HAHAHAHA IM SO SORRY
22.
This email finds me suffering actually but thank u
23.
In middle school when girls would text each other “will you dress up with me tomorrow” this is what they meant
24.
I WAS NOT EXPECTING THIS LMAO
25.
carrie bradshaw will be like “They were the perfect heel...for the perfect date...with the perfect man” and the shoes look like this
26.
Nobody: The waiter at Olive Garden:
27.
my therapist just referred to her therapist as my grand-therapist . trying to process.
28.
here’s my impression of the engineer who was in the studio with Fat Joe that day
29.
hate when stores sell shirts called "the boyfriend tee" honey boyfriend tees are FREE you think i'm just gonna BUY a big shirt??? no fucking way! i earned this Slaughterhouse Five t-shirt through months of gaslighting
30.
People say committees don’t work but that’s bc they haven’t seen a group of women gather to help one person draft & send a risky text
31.
Someones gotta pay the rent
32.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
33.
you all love ur boyfriends but do u love them more then u loved one direction in 2012
34.
promiscuous girl, promiscuous boy, wherever you are you already know im all alone and its that im all yours you that I want what u waiting for?
35.
nobody: 11 yr old relationships:
36.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
37.
I know y’all craving a man like mine
38.
men hitting on a painting
39.
i was spending the night at a boy’s and he said “oh ur wearing makeup, do you wanna do your skin care routine in my bathroom” so i went to the bathroom and i was like yo where is the face wash and he was like next to the sink”...he wanted me to wash my face with dial hand soap
40.
Blonde woman, top left. She is all of us 😂
41.
I’m so done with being insecure I cannot be letting Lizzo down like this anymore.
42.
The male equivalent of getting bangs is thinking about doing stand up
43.
so i tried the phone number neighbor thing- and lemme tell u im HOLLERING AT THE END
44.
broh driving in la is such a trip i’m still laughing
45.
have you or a family member ever dated a guy named matt. you maybe entitled to compensation
46.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away...
47.
I posted a picture on my insta in my ex’s shirt and let’s just say he probably won’t ask for it back again anytime soon
48.
the other night my boyfriend & i got drunk together, i went to go to the bathroom & guess i was in there too long, so he told me if i’m okay to grab the cheezit
49.
Carrie Underwood: “he's probably buying her some fruity little drink 'cause she can't shoot whiskey” 8 yr old me: wow how embarrassing
50.
'no worries if not!' I type, with full knowledge that, if not, I will worry