Not too long ago, a viral set of wedding vows rocked the internet. They were from a groom to his bride-to-be, and he said many unsavory (and, IMO, pretty disrespectful) things. A few highlights included: "Only two things are required to keep me happy: Keep my belly full and my balls empty," and, "You can choose whether tonight's gonna end with being a Toaster Strudel or a Twinkie."
I was so taken aback that I started thinking, what other absolutely deplorable wedding vows exist out there? So, I asked the BuzzFeed Community to share the wildest/worst wedding vows they've ever heard. Here are the responses:
1. "At my ex-best friend's wedding, the groom said, with TEARS in his eyes, 'I'm so happy that you chose me to be your dick for life.' Bro...NO. They are now divorced."
2. "Years ago, I worked for a wedding venue and had to be there from the time vendors and the bridal party showed up, all the way to the end of the reception, so I've witnessed some doozies. One, in particular, sticks out in my mind: The bride was young, very sweet, and an overall pleasure, while the groom was more preoccupied with heavily pre-gaming with his buddies and generally being kind of an ass to everyone, including the bride. When it came time for the vow exchange, the officiant said that the bride and groom had written their own vows about what they loved most about each other. The bride gave a flowery speech, glowing while describing everything she loved about her groom, how she couldn't wait to spend her life with him, etc. The groom got up and gave a sloppy thirty-second 'speech' about how the bride's TOES were his favorite thing about her, toasted to his buddies, and sat back down. The venue staff's jaws were ON. THE. FLOOR."
3. "I was my country's equivalent of the maid of honor and was able to stop the groom from using some cringe vows. He wanted to say something along the lines of, 'You are so smart that sometimes, I just want to eat your brain,' but thankfully he read them to me the day before the wedding, and I told him to maybe rethink that part."
4. "The groom was 65, and the bride was 32. The groom said, 'I promise to get older with you and watch you grow. I met you a long time ago, and you have become a wonderful young woman.'"
—Anonymous
5. "At my cousin's wedding last fall, the bride and groom were best friends with the officiant. When he did the groom's vows, they were traditional and all that. But, when he turned to my cousin, the bride, the vows were like, 'Let him do whatever he wants, don't nag him, always say 'yes dear,' make sure he's happy, and make him dinner.' They're both not the best people, but the fact it was one-sided like that gave me the ick."
6. "I went to a former friend's third wedding, and her vows consisted of rules the groom needed to follow that brought up her previous exes. Example: 'As long as you don't spend more than two nights a week with your friends, I will love you. As long as you answer your phone when I call the first time, I will love you. As long as you don't contact your ex like mine did, I will love you.' Good lord. They're still married as far as I know."
7. "My cousin's husband said, 'I promise to treasure you, our friends and family, and our future children.' She's always been vocal about not wanting children, and he'd agreed to that. She went ahead with the ceremony but they separated within six months."
8. "I attended an old schoolmate's wedding, where the groom had this to say: 'You are my [late] mother made manifest.' The crowd was audibly uncomfortable at this, prompting him to say that he RECOGNIZED it sounded bad, but, 'I have always been told I had something of an Oedipus Complex, so I am aware of that. But [the bride] has always reminded me of my mother, she's exactly like her. And I've always been into that.' He also went on to say that he loved that she was a 'basic white woman.'"
—Anonymous
9. "I went to a ceremony once where the bride used the 'Adam’s rib' story in her vows, and verbatim said that, 'because woman was made for man, I will serve you as I am supposed to.' I remember the entire row of guests I was sat with subtly exchanging sideways glances absolutely cringing. If you want a religious ceremony, that’s up to you, and as a guest, I am fully committed to being respectful. But to hear that at a wedding in this century? It felt so icky."
10. "My husband and I went to a wedding last year where the bride and groom vowed to be 'swolemates.' I wanted to crawl out of my skin and die."
—Anonymous
11. "There was a family wedding a few years ago where the vows were only like two lines long — not offensive or anything, but the whole family was appalled. His were, 'I promise not to ignore you during baseball season, and I promise never to watch [some TV show] without you.' Hers were, 'I promise not to spend all of your money, and I promise never to watch [a different tv show] without you.' To me, the real kicker was that the TV show she included as 50% of the VOWS AT HER WEDDING had already been cancelled."
12. "The wedding was on April fool's day. When the officiant asked the groom if he took this woman to be his wife, he paused and starting weighing his choice aloud. The groom then decided to lighten the mood by yelling, 'APRIL FOOL'S!' After the wedding, I told him I was about to smack him, or wet my pants, at the tension he caused."
—Anonymous
13. "I was at a wedding where they said their own vows, and the groom said, 'When I first saw ya, I knew the hunt was over.' They also had antlers drawn on their wedding cake. No camouflage, though."
14. "He made a comment about her cleaning up more in his vows. There was a small, collective gasp. Let me tell you, if I had been the bride, I would have walked out right then."
—Anonymous
15. "At a Baptist wedding with an army groom, almost all of the vows the priest said related to the military and how the wife needs to obey her new husband, just like how the military works. He said this in several variations to put emphasis on how much marriage is like military service, and the husband is in charge. Most of the attendees were from that church and they were all nodding and smiling. It was very uncomfortable."
—Anonymous
16. And finally, "I work at a wedding venue, and there are so many bad vows. A man once ended his by saying, 'And you know we got married on a Friday, because...Saturday’s are for the boys!' in unison with his groomsmen."
What are some of the wildest/worst wedding vows you've ever witnessed? Share your story in the comments.
Note: Submissions have been edited for length/clarity.