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Updated on Sep 15, 2020. Posted on Feb 18, 2020

22 Jokes About Being In Your Thirties Older Millennials Will Feel In Their (Aching) Bones

"This grocery store is playing my jams."

1. On homeownership:

Me, age 18: I'll be a homeowner by the time I'm in my 30s Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks

2. On life's many surprises:

I never thought I'd be in my 30s arguing with a naked toddler over whether or not she can wear fairy wings in the bathtub, yet here we are.

3. On what the youths™ are up to these days:

People in their thirties discussing TikTok:

4. On lies we were all told as teens:

Honestly thought my 30s would involve way less acne, and yet here we are

5. On realizing the inevitable:

Me in my 20s: I'm never gonna turn into my dad. Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I'M MADE OF MONEY

6. On the different paths life can take:

early 30s are funny bc all friends are by this point steadfastly on diff tracks, w/ “just picked an accent wall for the nursery, what do you think??” on one end & “just picked up ketamine before the orgy, wanna come??” on the other— & me, perhaps also you, squarely in between

7. On getting lit:

Getting lit in my 30s is eating a slice a pizza without taking Lactaid first.

8. And the horrible aftermath:

HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s [takes tylenol and goes about the day] HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s [writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim

9. On natural evolution:

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams. Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams. Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

10. On baby fever:

there are two types of people in their early 30s

11. On THAT kitchen cabinet:

by age 35 you should have a kitchen cabinet dedicated entirely to plastic bags that contain other, smaller plastic bags

12. On parties:

Age 17: sneak out of the house to go to a party Age 37: sneak out of a party to go home

13. On the passage of time:

Being in your 30s is constantly thinking the 90s were just a decade ago

14. On back pain:

Welcome to your 30s. You now have Home Advil and Purse Advil.

15. On dating:

Dating in your thirties is like, “so, what do you do for work and fun!! also what traumas have you accumulated by this point that I should be mindful of?”

16. On making friends:

This is what trying to make new friends into your 30s is like. https://t.co/UGB1iW5kdI

17. On dating apps:

Tinder in your 20s: “Not looking for anything too serious.” Tinder in your 30s:

18. On parenting:

AGE 25: lol why would anyone have kids in their 20s AGE 36: [pulls groin getting out of child-sized chair at library] oh I see

19. On pursuing your hobbies:

i see cool art and get inspired but once im home im just too tired a poem by lexxy, age 33

20. On bedtimes:

New Year's Eve bedtime: Age 12: 9pm Age 16: midnight Age 20: 2am Age 28: 4am Age 32: midnight Age 36: 9pm

21. On cable hoarding:

By age 35 you should have a huge box of cables but you can't throw them out because you're pretty sure you still need a couple of them but you're not sure which ones

22. And finally, on the fact that you're basically the same, but kinda achy:

some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can't turn your head all the way to the left anymore

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