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1. On homeownership:
Me, age 18: I'll be a homeowner by the time I'm in my 30s Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
2. On life's many surprises:
I never thought I'd be in my 30s arguing with a naked toddler over whether or not she can wear fairy wings in the bathtub, yet here we are.
3. On what the youths™ are up to these days:
People in their thirties discussing TikTok:
4. On lies we were all told as teens:
Honestly thought my 30s would involve way less acne, and yet here we are
5. On realizing the inevitable:
Me in my 20s: I'm never gonna turn into my dad. Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I'M MADE OF MONEY
6. On the different paths life can take:
early 30s are funny bc all friends are by this point steadfastly on diff tracks, w/ “just picked an accent wall for the nursery, what do you think??” on one end & “just picked up ketamine before the orgy, wanna come??” on the other— & me, perhaps also you, squarely in between
7. On getting lit:
Getting lit in my 30s is eating a slice a pizza without taking Lactaid first.
8. And the horrible aftermath:
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s [takes tylenol and goes about the day] HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s [writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
9. On natural evolution:
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams. Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams. Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
10. On baby fever:
there are two types of people in their early 30s
11. On THAT kitchen cabinet:
by age 35 you should have a kitchen cabinet dedicated entirely to plastic bags that contain other, smaller plastic bags
12. On parties:
Age 17: sneak out of the house to go to a party Age 37: sneak out of a party to go home
13. On the passage of time:
Being in your 30s is constantly thinking the 90s were just a decade ago
14. On back pain:
Welcome to your 30s. You now have Home Advil and Purse Advil.
15. On dating:
Dating in your thirties is like, “so, what do you do for work and fun!! also what traumas have you accumulated by this point that I should be mindful of?”
16. On making friends:
This is what trying to make new friends into your 30s is like. https://t.co/UGB1iW5kdI
17. On dating apps:
Tinder in your 20s: “Not looking for anything too serious.” Tinder in your 30s:
18. On parenting:
AGE 25: lol why would anyone have kids in their 20s AGE 36: [pulls groin getting out of child-sized chair at library] oh I see
19. On pursuing your hobbies:
i see cool art and get inspired but once im home im just too tired a poem by lexxy, age 33
20. On bedtimes:
New Year's Eve bedtime: Age 12: 9pm Age 16: midnight Age 20: 2am Age 28: 4am Age 32: midnight Age 36: 9pm
21. On cable hoarding:
By age 35 you should have a huge box of cables but you can't throw them out because you're pretty sure you still need a couple of them but you're not sure which ones
22. And finally, on the fact that you're basically the same, but kinda achy:
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can't turn your head all the way to the left anymore