1. On the American Dream:
the millennial version of 2.5 kids and a picket fence is six houseplants and no roommate
2. On dating:
millennial dating u: hey wyd wednesday them: working to survive. wyd saturday u: being tired from working to survive then laundry them: nice
3. On accomplishments:
By the time you’re in your 20’s you should have a: -job you’re underpaid at -anti depressant prescription -Conspiracy theory you unironically believe -sense of impending existential dread
4. On budgeting:
Tips for Millennials to save money: 1) Don't eat 2) Live in your car 3) Don't drive anywhere, sell the car 4) Your only entertainment should be watching your own tears drip down your face into your bowl of ramen 5) Die as soon as possible if you get sick
5. On parenting:
millennials as a parent
6. On the economy:
millennials to Gen Z as the recession nears
7. On business:
FOR REAL THOUGH IF MILLENNIALS HAD THE POWER TO KILL ENTIRE INDUSTRIES DO YOU REALLY THINK WE'D BE LIKE "LOL MAYONNAISE IS DONE BUT THE STUDENT LOAN INDUSTRY CAN STAY"
8. On avocados:
avocados getting ready to keep millennials from home ownership
9. On coffee:
maybe millennials wouldn't spend so much money on coffee if we could produce serotonin
10. On mental health:
Boomers: I heard she went to *looks around nervously* *whispers* ᵀʰᵉʳᵃᵖʸ Millennials/Gen Z: LMAOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT MY THERAPIST TOLD ME TODAY
11. On phone calls:
how I, a millennial, filter spam calls: -if my phone rings, it's spam
12. On greetings:
How millennials greet each other: Millennial 1. How have you been? Millennial 2. Meh. I’m not dead so I guess I’m okay. How about you? Millennial 1. Same. Same. Both: *sits in morbid silence for 5 seconds*
13. On entitlement:
As a millennial I agree that we’re too entitled like, boohoo I can’t afford rent without 2-6 roommates, waaah I haven’t been the dentist in 7yrs, ack I’m so sad I can’t seriously heal from my childhood trauma bc the copay for regular therapy appts are so high. I mean the nerve??
14. On work ethic:
Schrodinger’s millennial
15. On jobs:
Millennial Job Descriptions Be like: -must be fluent in excel, photoshop, copywriting, Spanish, English, Klingon, and Chinese -office keg!! -free snacks!! -must have 3-8 years experience -bachelor’s degree accepted, master’s preferred - good vibes only!!! Pay: $15/hr
16. On applying to those jobs:
"hey just following up" -unemployed millennial proverb
17. On being paid for those jobs:
millennials are so SPOILED and ENTITLED millennials: is it rude if i ask my employer to pay me
18. On astrology:
millennial culture is texting your mom “what TIME was i born?”
19. On driving:
millennial culture is driving with your music really loud so you can’t hear all the fucked up sounds your shitty car is making
20. On the environment:
I am a: ⚪️ guy ⚪️ girl 🔘 millennial Looking for: ⚪️ a boyfriend ⚪️ a girlfriend 🔘 a way to prevent global warming because if I see one more nature documentary with a dying polar bear I will lose my shit
21. On the passage of time:
The sense of time I have as a millennial is so weird... 1970: About 30 years ago 1980: About 20 years ago 1990: About 10 years ago 2000: About 10 years ago 2010: About 1,000 years ago 2016: About 10,000 years ago 2018: About 1,000 years ago Last week: About 1,000 years ago
22. On hopes and dreams:
Millennial culture is daydreaming how much you'd help your friends if you were ever to get rich.
23. On tipping:
boomers paying their bill: you only had bud on tap not but light so you get 9% and I am going to spit in your face as I leave. good day millennials paying their bill: this beer? incredible. you? incredible. I'm tipping you 30%. this is my last $20 but I want you to have it
24. On complaining:
Why do millennials complain all the time? idk man, we watched 2000 people die on live tv when we were ten and then literally nothing ever got better
25. And finally, on why we aren't buying diamonds:
@TheEconomist I work at a grocery store