Normally, when I insult someone, I like to swear just to throw in a little ~pizzaz~.
1. "Someone once called me 'weapons-grade stupid.' That made me laugh pretty good."
4. "I had a teacher tell some kid, 'Nothing you have to say is of any consequence...to anyone.' He was an odd teacher who kinda talked like that, but it was his version of savage. The room lost its shit in unison."
5. “I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.”
8. "Anyone who ever loved you was wrong."
9. "'If you were the prize at the end of my race, I would walk backward.' —Judge Judy"
10. "I once saw a comment that read, 'The bar was so low, it was practically a tripping hazard in hell, yet here you are dancing limbo with the devil.'"
11. "A guy who sat behind me in English class let out a fart that reverberated off the wooden seat. The whole class heard it. The teacher said, 'That’s the most intelligent thing you’ve said all year.'"
13. "My favorite is, 'I think you should carry a potted plant to replace the oxygen you waste.'"
15. "Stop playing hard to get when you're hard to want."
16. "You're not the dumbest person in the world, but you'd better hope they don't die."
19. “I'll bet when a family friend brings you up to your parents, your parents change the subject.”
20. "If my dog looked like you, I'd shave his butt and teach him to walk backward."
23. And finally, "Your face looks like the human embodiment of period cramps."
What's your best (zero swearing) insult? Share it in the comments!
Some submissions have been edited for length/clarity.