Dividing labor in a relationship is no easy task. And when it comes to hetero couples, most of the housework tends to fall to the women. In fact, according to the Pew Research Center, 59% of women said they did more housework than their partners in 2021.
What's even more frustrating is that on top of doing more housework, women are often belittled for it. Often by their own partners!!! For example, Reddit user u/wifemyjob (or OP, for Original Poster) recently asked the internet if he was wrong for telling his wife that he's "perfectly capable" of doing everything she does to keep the house running while he's at work.
Here are the details. OP and his wife are both 30 years old and have a 7-year-old daughter. "I work in finance and my wife is a stay-at-home mom, as I earn sufficient for the both of us," OP explains.
He continues, "My wife is a great [stay-at-home mom] and takes great care of our house. I was lucky to buy a home as I earn well in a medium cost of living city."
"I love my wife, but she finds it humorous to say that I am incapable of doing household tasks. We had agreed that she would do them when we decided she would stay at home, but I do stuff occasionally when we are both home if she asks me to. But then, if I, say, load the dishwasher for her, she will claim I did it wrong just because I do it different than she does (it still cleans well)."
"The other day, we were eating, and she told me about her day and how she went grocery shopping and optimized the cost by buying specific items at specific stores and accounting for the cost of traveling to each store, and she made an offhanded remark that I would never be able to do that, and said it in a 'what would you ever do without me?' kind of way."
Here's where things go awry: "I replied back saying that of course I could do it. I handle complex decisions and calculations at my work, as I work in finance and that I have a master's degree and what I do involves more intellect than household operations. Even though I acknowledged and appreciate what she does, I would be capable if the roles were reversed."
Unsurprisingly, OP's wife felt both upset and insulted. "She got angry and seemed to think I was calling her stupid when I wasn't, and then cried, and now I feel like an [A-hole]. She said she was a very good student, and had she graduated, she would be in my position as well."
After finishing up the story, OP adds a little more context about him and his wife's relationship, which makes his comments even more egregious, IMO: "My wife and I met in college, but she was an international student studying physics and computer science, and she had issues with her loan from her home country, and could not afford to complete it. And we got married then so she could stay. Initially, she wanted to complete it later after finding the funds, but she agreed to be a [stay-at-home mom] when I got a good job. And I appreciate that a lot as we were able to have a kid early on, even while I was both completing my master's and working full time."
Naturally, people had lots to say about OP's behavior. And the consensus was overwhelmingly that OP's the one in the wrong, and should very much feel like an A-hole for diminishing his wife's contributions.
"Your wife is a very smart woman who probably prepared her whole life for a challenging technical career. And now, for better or worse, she is a SAHM with no degree or paying job.
It’s clear that you are proud of your intellectual capabilities and the complex tasks you tackle at work. It is part of your identity and your ego. Your wife has none of that, even though that’s what she wanted. What little source of pride she has (her household tasks), her own spouse diminishes and minimizes. How would that make you feel if you were in her shoes?"
"Here is this brilliant woman, Stanford, assuming, double major, physics/cse trying to find some satisfaction in her life as it applies to her skills and abilities (I am sure she is happy and fulfilled as a mother, but she has other qualities and needs, too), and her husband can't even give her that...for the grocery shopping."
Another Reddit user made this fantastic point: "Oh damn, if grocery shopping, cleaning, and childcare, aka house-care, is so achievable by all, why is it the number one topic for divorces? Why is it the number one complaint women have about men? A little task that wealthy people hire several employees to do?"
"I also have worked an intense job similar to OP's, and am now a temporary SAHM. The job is hell of a lot easier than having kids and running a household, a never-ending job with no breaks and gazillion tabs always open in your mental metawork browser."
And finally, some said that if OP loves and appreciates his wife so much, why doesn't he put his money where his mouth is and help her go back to school?
"OP makes so much money now, let's see him pay for his wife to go back to school and finish her degree...their kiddo in is school now, so it's a great time for her to look at the local university schedule and see if she can make it work!"
"OP said in another comment, she only has three semesters left to go...if she was studying physics, then it's probably smaller advanced classes that she needs to take, and she should be able to get her advisor to okay a part-time schedule, even if the school usually doesn't allow that."
Alas, it doesn't seem like OP is willing to do that, because later on in the thread, he commented: "I was thinking of bringing up getting a second child. I don't think we could afford that if she were in school and I was paying for it, especially an Ivy."
"By then, I really doubt she would have any interest in going back for a career and would be too old to get hired for junior roles. Now she is not, I meant if we had a second kid and then she went back once the second kid were older."
So, there you have it — OP has zero interest in supporting his wife in her ambitions, and instead wants to essentially trap her by having a second child. All while diminishing her role in their relationship by saying he could do everything she does because he's smarter and makes more money.
I know where I stand on this, but please let me know your thoughts in the comments. And for the love of god, can we stop acting like being a stay-at-home mom/house manager isn't a job?
Responses/comments have been edited for length/clarity.