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21 Things That Every Bengali Is Terrified Of

Your mom's probably going to read this and scream, "AJKE TUI SHESH."

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1. Explaining to others how to pronounce your name.

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"It's spelled Saurav but its pronounced Shourob. No, not Sauron. SHOUROB."

"..."

"You know what, just call me Raj."

2. Then explaining the connection (or lack of it) between your real name and your daak naam.

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My nickname is Rimo, which is rather fortunate. I once knew a girl whose daak naam was Boobi. #truestory

3. Getting any grade below A in your report card. Even a single B+.

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This leads to the classic Bengali mom dialogue, "Jaa giye aro ektu teebee dekh."

Which roughly translates to, "Why don't you go watch some more TV, you underachieving noob."

4. And the inevitable comparison with the bright Bengali boy next door.

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"Have you seen how many marks Buntu got in his exams? Have you seen how many shopping bags he carries? Like, THREE."

5. Breaking your beloved choti, ALWAYS from Bata.

Right when I was beginning to feel like my choti and I belong together :'(

6. Hardcore Bengalis judging you for not knowing your "Bengali stuff."

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"Oh you haven't watched any Satyajit Ray? Well, have you read Gitanjali? No? LOL u sure u Bengali bro?"

7. Meeting a complete stranger who is suddenly your uncle.

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"Son, this is Arun Kaku. He went to school with your dad in the 3rd grade, and that's about it. But he's totes related to you by blood."

8. When your brand new uncle asks you what you're doing these days.

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"What do you mean you're not preparing for IIT?"

9. When your guests ask you to "display your talents."

Brad Falchuk Teley-Vision / Via runhaven.com

"Shona, ekta gaan shonao?"

(Son, why don't you give us an awkward rendition of a song you don't really know because your parents and I have obviously run out of shit to talk about, thaaaanks!)

10. When there are a lot of guests and you have to put on a special performance.

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"Shona, ektu naach kore dekhao?"

(Dance for us, little minion. You will be rewarded handsomely. Hundred bucks tops.)

11. Watching helplessly as your mother converses with your friends in Hindi.

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"Beta tum aaj kal kya karta hai? Tum shondesh khaayega? Hum bahut bhaalo shondesh banata hai."

12. When big fiery aunties in sultry ''haath kaata'' (sleeveless) blouses come to visit.

Mega Bollywood / Via guiltybytes.com

Studies prove that the sleevelessness of an aunty's blouse is directly proportional to their level of bitchiness.

13. Which leads to your most dreaded 5 words, "Son, go get some paan?"

"And God save your soul if you get the wrong zarda this time."

14. Eventually, big fiery aunty tells your mom about what she saw you do the other day.

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Aunty: "Saw your son talking to Mrs. Mishra's daughter for a good 6 minutes yesterday bro."

Mom: "It's cool he's like 12 or something."

Aunty: "IDGAF bro gossip is gossip. Now where is that paan you promised me?"

15. And then, the dreaded "talk" from ma.

ABC Family / Via bumpbirthandbeyond.wordpress.com

"Son, all girls are evil as hell. Don't even look at them because evil spreads via eye contact...

...

...

But we'll hook you up with an awesome arranged marriage fo shyo. FO SHYO."

16. When ma is livid and you lock the door. And she says, "Come out son, I won’t hurt you."

Walt Disney Pictures / Via morewarriorthanprincess.blogspot.in

SHE LIES.

In reality, this is a precursor to "Ajke tui shesh!" (I'ma beat your ass into non-existence today, boy.)

17. When ma proceeds to run behind you with literally whatever she can find.

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I have been threatened with a chiruni (comb), khunti (cooking implement) and a jutar bari (smack of the shoe), to name a select few.

In a nutshell, anything in the house can and will be used as a potential substitute for a torture device.

18. When you come home late from playing downstairs.

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"AJKE TUI SHESH WITHOUT FAIL."

(I believe this is a recurring theme in the lives of Bengalis.)

19. Bengali food is BEST. But it is also one of our primary causes for concern.

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I love my mom's cooking. But after the 15th morsel, my stomach isn't unlike a Bombay local during peak hours.

20. Desperately craving some good Bengali food and not being able to find any.

No poochka? No mishti doi either? Just get me some water and onions already :(
Via mashable.com

No poochka? No mishti doi either? Just get me some water and onions already :(

21. And finally, when ma cooks the tastiest, most droolworthy, perfectly tender chicken – and someone else takes the leg piece.

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That leg piece had my name written on it, Arun Kaku. Hate u 4 lyf.