google.com It’s a shame. You know, when you’re walking around and you can’t see shit but you can definitely FEEL that nice, warm touch on your right upper thigh. No, I’m not talking about the chick you wanna bang on your co-ed floor, I’m talking about that overused device that connects you to the world…and candy crush.You press that “home” button, swipe right, mess up your code a couple times then VUALA! YOU’RE IN. Now this is when things get regretful. Most people make 2 choices: throwing the phone behind the right shoulder like a bad ass polish weightlifting keg throwing motherfucker….ooorrr pressing the messages icon. The people you text tends to depend on your “state of mind” (buzzed, drunk, blacked out, or Helen Keller with no arms or legs). Behold the 3 types of “drunk texts”:1. “Question” – This type usually results in perfect spelling. At this point you’re pretty buzzed and feeling gooooood, but you’re looking back at things you regret (within the past 3-5 months). You question why you didn’t ask that chipotle employee for guac earlier today or why the girl that seemed interested in you didn’t take your offer for coffee 2 months ago. Your text would look somewhat like this: “Sara…how come we never went out? Honestly, I really liked you.” Quit it dude, your embarrassing yourself….but the spelling is awesome!2. “My ex girlfriend is SO KEWL” – Face it….you’re blacked out. Every girl looks like Kate Beckinsale and you feel like the manliest man of all men in this manly atmosphere. You literally feel like you could eat 10,000 burritos while doing a handstand on your pinkie. BUT, and this is an unfortunate BUT, you think of your ex. Must….text….my…ex. Your friends tell you no but your heart says yes….and we all know the heart is always right (jk thats total bullshit). The text: “fuk u. U domnt evn kno mhe. Hah bich”. But let’s say you never had an ex. Behold the random contact text (to your SAT tutor): “I AM BATMAN”.3. “The Keyboard Samurai” – This is the epitome of the “drunk text”. This is when you go super saiyan goku style, this is when you do the NAE NAE on the bar with way too many undone buttons, this is when you become the keyboard samurai. It’s basically playing wack-a-mole with the screen on the hardest difficulty. The text could go to anyone, from your buddy across the room to your mom. “Jdkxlvodklaapapwoekrvka huah!!!!”. Aaaannnnnddddd you are officially obliterated.Obviously there are many sub-categories of texts but most should certainly fall in either of the 3 briefly explained above. If you suffer from a real, potentially hazardous habit of drunk texting you have 2 easy remedies: set your phone to Russian before going out or simply make the conscious decision to be part of the 1% that become angry superstitious polish weightlifters.