Here Are Hilarious And Perfect Sponsorships For Canadian NHL Teams

We partnered them up so the NHL doesn't have to.

ICYMI, NHL sponsors signaled last week that the league will begin experimenting with on-uniform advertising during next year's World Cup of Hockey.

Though it is unclear if and when the NHL will allow corporate logos to be displayed on jerseys during regular season games, several teams—including all seven north of the border—are already locking up potential sponsorships in anticipation of the league's ruling.

In the meantime, we took the liberty to envision who your favourite Canadian team will be talking to. Here are each team's perfect company match-ups, and why:

Vancouver Canucks to court strategic partnership with State Farm.

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Canucks management is rumoured to be closing in on an unorthodox deal with State Farm that would see the insurance giant pay nothing to advertise on the team’s jerseys. In return, State Farm will reportedly agree to insure a five square-block area directly surrounding Vancouver’s Rogers Arena. Though seemingly a short-term steal for State Farm, analysts caution that the insurer may be surprised at the bill they end up on the hook for the next time the Canucks lose a playoff series.

Young Oilers core are pushing hard for an Anthropologie staff discount.

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The Oilers are said to be courting trendy retailer Anthropologie, who economic scouts unanimously consider to be the one of the highest-ceiling assets available. Insiders say the Olilers continue to be mesmerized by hip, aesthetically pleasing things they know they won’t be able to afford.

Flames will be facing backlash after controversial partnership with Big Oil.

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Predictably, reports suggest the Calgary Flames almost instantly agreed to an incentive-laden deal with a consortium of oil producers. Though lucrative, the partnership offers significant challenges: The first run of jersey pressings appears to have already been intercepted and defaced by local Greenpeace activists.

Jets to be inadvertently sponsored by Atlanta Pizzeria.

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The highest bidder for the Winnipeg Jets’ sponsorship contract appears to have been Atlanta pizzeria Antico Forno Napoletana. When reached for comment, the restaurant’s manager seemed taken aback. “Honestly I hadn't realized they had moved,” he said, later admitting “I don’t really watch that much hockey.”

Ottawa's sponsorship is devolving into political football.

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Exploiting a little-known loophole in the federal Canada Elections Act, the Conservative, Liberal, and New Democratic Parties appear to have found a way to bypass campaign spending restrictions by jointly advertising on the jerseys of their hometown Senators. Sources say the Green Party will also be a significant financial contributor, but, due to the structure of the deal, they won’t be represented on the final jersey.

No surprises for Canadiens-Desjardins partnership.

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The Montreal Canadiens have reportedly agreed to be sponsored by Quebec-based credit union Desjardins. Many observers admit to being unsurprised by the move, as virtually everything else in Montreal is also already sponsored by Quebec-based credit union Desjardins.

And Leafs will turn down Apple for aging, underperforming veteran Sears.

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In an effort to address enduring concerns over a lack of consistency and determination, the Toronto Maple Leafs have turned down a potential partnership with Apple and are instead considering a four trillion dollar deal with multinational department store chain Sears. “They’re in a constant rebuilding phase, which really allows us to emphasize our strength in the home improvement and housewares market,” a Sears official said. “More importantly, he added, "there’s a certain amount of natural synergy as neither organization has been especially relevant since the late 1960s."