I've been fat for as long as I can remember, even in baby pictures I look like the elephant child. You know, that one scene in family guy where Lois gives birth to Chris and there's a newspaper clipping saying, "Elephant Child Born To Local Woman? THAT WAS ME!!! I was a big ball of lard with an egg shaped head and a penchant for pudding, and so I've never really had the experience of being a skinny person who slowly over the course of time gained weight, I've always just been, to put it in politically correct terms, "of size".
Growing up I think we all realize that kids can be evil, and I was no exception to this torment. Growing up in Scotland, where I'm originally from, I fought, almost literally, every day of my life. Boys being boys, it was fists and feet, and it always related to my weight without fail. Of course, I grew up thinking I'd always be alone and no one could love someone who wasn't skinny. I was too young at the time to know about different body types, so for me it was a very black and white concept. I wouldn't be loved, I couldn't, no one would even look at me twice, unless they saw me also eating the wrapper to a chocolate bar along with the candy. Factor into this the thought, "Why do I like looking at boys more than girls" and you have a less than delicious recipe for depression, which leads to more eating, and blah blah blah, vicious cycle.
So for most of my life I was stuck in this rut of low self-esteem, silence, and self pity. I honestly just believed it was my lot in life to be the lonesome fat kid, and then fat adult. I'm still waiting on my crazy cat gay starter kit, with all brown cats so I'm constantly reminded of chocolate and how lonely it has made me (Serious note, I'm not really that fond of chocolate).
Life hits a fan as it occasionally tends to do at times, and I end up in America for the rest of my life. I'm still teased constantly but this time not only am I fat, I'm also gay. I'm not just fat as I was in my younger life, I'm now a "fatass faggot" who gets stalked, can't walk home alone, and eventually, gets gay bashed because of it in the 8th Grade. It wasn't until High School that I really began developing some sort of esteem and acceptance of not only my homosexuality, but also my weight. Both were definitely still issues for me, but less so when I stood up for myself.
Enter my first love, a beautiful high school wrestler with the most beautiful body I'd ever seen and an equally beautiful personality. Now, high school romances aren't meant to last, and this was really my first interaction of an intimate sort with another man. I was constantly wary of what his game was, why he'd ever approach someone like me, and God forbid, what if we got intimate and he saw what was really under the baggy, layered, clothing I wore, he'd hate me then and it would be over as soon as it began. Turn out though, this was the real turning point in my life. We were kids, and emotions exploded, and we were inseparable.
I remember my apprehension the first time I undressed with him, because here was this God standing before me with a flat stomach, a nice defined chest, and arms that I'm pretty sure he could have cracked open Brazil nuts with. I was a lump. I'm Scottish so I glowed in the dark, and my stomach looked like it was melting, slowly trying to get away from me so it could start its new life as another full grown person. When I got over this fact and just enjoyed the moment, something struck. If a man that looked like that would not only want to publicly date me but also tell me I was beautiful when I was naked, then something had to be wrong with my thinking and belief of myself. We ended, or rather I ended our relationship, because it was a small Tennessee town and I didn't want to get in the way of his wrestling season which was due to start. We kept up our intimacy until eventually at twenty, I moved away and into the city I live in now.
I've found the gay community in my current city, my first and only so far (so I'm no expert), to be extremely tight knit. If you don't know someone, then someone else you know knows that someone, and you may even come across a person who knows all about you and your business, that you've never see or heard of before. I started working at the main gay club in the city two years after I'd moved and a friend said they were hiring. I was hired on the spot. This wasn't due to any particular skill set I had, or any special treatment, they just needed someone urgently and there I was. Bam! It was a temporary gig, to remain seasonal because I was the coat check guy, and after that, I'd be done. This was fine with me because I wanted to dip my toe into the gay community but I wasn't ready to dive in and make someone put all the water back in the pool. It turned into a three year gig, but that's not the point.
I began to meet the gay community slowly but surely, and they were all mostly friendly, in fact the vast majority of them were great and I really felt at home. I didn't know at that time what a bear or a twink were back then. I was a baby gay who had taken his first step out of society's closet, and began my path to true, real, and honest acceptance. Slowly I made my way from coat check, to busser, to bouncer, and definitely my favorite, bartender. The people were great, they were friendly, they tipped, they liquored up and I never had an issue. I'm sure there were comments behind my back, but I've learned there will always be someone talking about you, and you can't take that to heart.
I learned most of the lessons in my growth into adult life from drag queens, because it takes a giant set of balls to not only walk in high heels and not bust your ass, but to own what you do, your personality, and put it out there for the world to see and accept. I think this is, in essence what we all should learn to do. No matter our size, sexuality, gender, or gender identity. We have to stand up and say, "World, this is who I am, accept it or move along." This is what I've learned to do. I have my days, we all do. You're telling a lie if you say you constantly feel on top of the world, but confidence is everything.
I have friends nowadays who are gym bunnies, twinks, bears, daddies, you name it, and my weight never comes up once. I think the reason for this is because I own it. I own the way I look, what I weight, and who I am. I've been flirted with by men of all shapes, ages, sizes, races. It's about you taking charge of your life and showing the world who you really are. You -can- be fat in this community and still be accepted. There are people who will love and accept you for who you are, not what you look like, and no matter how you've grown up, the bad experiences will shape you into who you are today. Every person in the world will not be into you, but don't let that drag you down. We all face rejection from that person we're crushing on, but it's not the end.
I'm so grateful for all the experiences I've had in life, and so grateful for the gay community I've blossomed in, because its taught me real friendship, acceptance, and that I have to always follow myself and my own happiness to get the most out of this life. Life is beautiful, and so are you. Live it, and love yourself, it's the only way to find who you are.
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