1. So I was watching Love Actually for the 1,365th time last night and I started wondering which political party Hugh Grant is supposed to lead. IT’S CONFUSING.
I was also excited about stumbling across probably the last thing about this film that hadn’t been written about on the internet yet.
3. One of the key pieces of evidence is when Grant talks to a portrait of Margaret Thatcher and makes this joke.
7. However, when we see portraits of other ex-PMs they’re all hanging on the staircase, not in Grant’s office. You can see some of them in the background of this scene.
Therefore I judge this evidence to be INCONCLUSIVE.
Also, the new prime minister has been in power for only, like, two minutes. It takes ages to redecorate. Trust me. It took me six months to declutter my flat, much of it consisting of me and my partner discussing whether we should invest in a new grey sofa or not. Politics is hard, guys.
8. Another clue comes when the president of the United States is discussing policies with Hugh Grant and these two guys want to punch each other in the face.
Now, I have no idea what policies are being discussed here, so it’s difficult to determine what political values these people have. Are they Tories because Labour and George W Bush were pretty close under Blair? Has it got something to do with…THE SEA? I did a politics degree but I have no idea.
9. And just before we find out what issue is close to the PM’s heart he is interrupted by the president BEING A MASSIVE, MASSIVE DICK.
10. Also, what does Grant mean by this?
“Scary wife” = Cherie Blair?
“No nappies?” = Well Blair did have a young child as PM, so did he push Blair out of office or did Blair stand down? Is this fact important or not?
11. There’s also this point made by Alex in the cabinet meeting, which suggests a dig at the closeness of Bush/Blair.
Yes, Mum and Dad, this is my job.
12. And what political party would screw up, like, 100 years’ worth of American-British diplomacy and political relations BECAUSE OF A CRUSH?
Your move, Mr Fake President.
13. Then there’s the fact that there’s just been an election…in the middle of NOVEMBER.
What sort of national scandal led an election to be called and a different political party to sweep to power at that time of year? A Brexit-style event? A coup? It’s hard to get people to the polls in November, I’d imagine. It’s cold.
16. Confused, I went to speak with our political editor, Jim Waterson, who was thrilled that I interrupted his work.
He said: “I don’t know, I can’t really remember the film very well and I seem to remember Hugh Grant was playing Hugh Grant again. So if we work on the basis that he is simply Hugh Grant, then someone like him could probably have got through a New Labour selection panel in the mid-1990s, parachuted into a safe seat after a stint acting as Peter Mandelson’s junior paperclips assistant in Millbank Tower.
“Then again, the very-privileged-but-a-bit-angsty-about-how-they’re-perceived thing was very much in line with David Cameron and his cohort of Tories.
“In conclusion: on balance the Hugh Grant character these days would be a total Remain-supporting angst-ridden slightly posh out-of-time character who feels very concerned about things while not quite knowing how to act.
“So, a Lib Dem or something?“
17. Could he really be a Lib Dem?
19. And regardless of what political party you think Hugh Grant is representing, can we all agree that this character is the goddamn worst in Love Actually?
WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN?
20. I also emailed Richard Curtis and Hugh Grant’s agents to get to the TRUTH. Curtis didn’t respond.
21. SO LET’S WORK IT OUT.
23. The winner of this poll will be enshrined in law and we will never discuss it again.
UPDATE: A representative for Hugh Grant was asked by BuzzFeed UK whether he plays a Tory or the Labour leader. His publicist responded: "The PM is deliberately politically ambiguous."