1. Eddie Stobart: Trucks and Trailers.
But then the narration kicks in: "From north to south, east to west, Eddie Stobart's trucks travel the nation."
Then they unleash maps showing their destinations.
Look at this CGI! Look at those wiggly bits dancing across the screen! Look at the lines following all of those wiggily bits dancing across the screen!
Now you're getting really excited: "Just where are they going right now? JUST WHERE WHERE WHERE?"
You then start paying attention to the narrator. "Oh. Three garden centres in Cornwall."
Even their fact files are jazzed up to the max.
But then, a twist. This driver can't seem to find exactly where to go in this out-of-town industrial estate.
Another is driving in wet conditions.
Coming up: will this man be able to drive a tanker to Carlisle in the middle of the night?
Significant spoiler alert: Yes he does.
2. Nothing to Declare shows that border security is an incredibly exciting and thrilling place to be, as this flashing photoshopped sign will now highlight.
But then you realise that the show just consists of this.
And this: "are you bringing any food into Australia?"
3. Police Interceptors.
Thirdly, their "confidential" officer profiles.
LIKES: SPONGEBOB. HATES: STRESS.
LIKES: AUSTRALIA. HATES: FLYING.
LIKES: FAKE MOUSTACHES. DISLIKES: PUBLICITY.
And finally? You learn the fact that there is a virus in Essex which causes a lot of people's faces to be blurred.
4. Tipping Point.
What does the slot machine look like? It looks like this.
IT'S THE MACHINE FROM SEASIDE ARCADES.
But then you get enticed by their action replays.
And the "nailbiting" bit when they are so close but lose.
And some of the incredibly intense questions.
This is television. This is literally television.
It has been replaced by a gameshow where Andi Peters asks questions to people on seats, and if they are eliminated they fall off the back of their seats.