1. Tube strikes.
2. Wanting to use an Uber but the surge price is too expensive.
"The anger of that may cause you to go to a pub, to let off some steam, and you could meet your future wife there."
3. Hearing someone tut behind your back.
"If you are King Tut you would not be upset by that, so it could be just someone recognising you."
4. Going outside for five minutes and then getting the worst tanline.
5. Calling your teacher "mum."
"The upside of that is you don't have to see your mum on the weekends."
6. Forgetting a new colleague’s name.
"When you forget a colleague’s name there is an upside, which is you can use that embarrassment to go to the pub, and get a pint, and meet your future wife."
7. Words that would horrify any Brit: “There are no more English muffins.”
8. Having underwhelming British thunderstorms.
"You have an inferiority complex about your thunderstorms? OK, good to know. Well, when you get everything you want you can become a very insufferable person, so your minor thunderstorms is what makes the Brits so interesting. I told you I’m good at this."
9. Saying sorry to someone when you didn’t mean to say sorry.
10. Adding a kiss to an email and it isn’t intended.
"Well, if you add a kiss to an email and you don’t mean to, I would lean into it, and do that for every one of your friends for the next five years."
11. Not being able to shop due to Sunday trading laws.
"Sunday is the Lord's Day, and I’d like us to remember that. Maybe the Lord needs a few of your hours and less of you shopping for biscuits."
12. Receiving an email saying “Can we have a quick chat?” from your boss.
13. Getting into an amazing British show and there are only six episodes.
"I understand this dilemma. The Brits did it right, man, they did six and they’re out. The upside to this is that it’s hard to do one episode let alone six, but you know I really wish those Brits would do more episodes, those lazy bastards."
14. Being too hot to sleep under a duvet.
"This is a good opportunity to flash your roommates and pretend that it is because you are uncomfortable."
15. People putting on a British accent when you are abroad.
16. Having a lottery ticket but only getting two numbers.
"The upside of this is that lottery ruins lives, and every single person that wins ends in disaster."
17. Receiving an unexpected call with an "unknown number".
18. Going abroad and suffering British bank card charges.
"You are out of your element, out of your comfort zone, and toughen up."
19. Getting splashed by a taxi in the rain.
"You could pretend you wanted that to happen, turn it into an art piece. Sell your jacket for a million dollars at the Tate. They don't sell art at the Tate, but if they did."
20. Saying “just one drink” and then having 20 drinks.
"The upside of this is that you don’t listen to your inner guv'nor and you’re a person who makes their own choices."
21. There is no Cadbury's chocolate when you go abroad.
22. Falling asleep drunk on the last train and then waking up miles away.
"The upside to this is that you can pretend that you are in a movie, you're in an adventure, a film about your own life, and you can act that if you don’t get the microchip back into the hands of the scientists in time the world will explode."
23. Eyeing up someone on the tube but not being confident enough to go and speak to them.
"Anyone who ever approached me on a train — this would be probably a dealbreaker. I don’t know that I would want to be approached on a train. Films would tell you otherwise. I think being in an enclosed tube is not the best time to tell a woman that her hair is pretty."
24. Hoping to get some posh croissants in Waitrose but there aren't any.
[In a very posh voice] "Well, the good news I’m sure is that you can scream at a manager, and correct the problem, and you can also get someone fired. And your driver at the very least can get you to the next location comfortably."
25. Three days of sun and then it rains.
"The upside is change is good, rain is life. [laughs] YOU HAD THREE DAYS OF SUN! What more do you want? Fuck."
26. Being told abroad that all you British people talk about is the weather.
27. Everyone abroad thinking that you know the Queen.
"The upside to this is that it might encourage you to actually get to know the Queen, and you might be so motivated that you meet the Queen. I don’t know how it works here but I imagine that you just make an appointment."
28. Pouring too much milk into your tea.
"Think of the colours you’ll see!"
29. The horrifying words, “Please pay for Wi-Fi using a credit or debit card.”
"The upside is that most likely while your head is bowed in front of your laptop, life is happening in front of you and you are missing it, so you might have to do something, like god forbid, reading a book or look at someone in the eye."
30. Staying in the hospital overnight.
"A lot of people don’t know this: That’s the best time to party! People really party at night in the hospital! If you watch any of doctor shows there’s a lot of sex going on, drugs, the doctors are all really handsome, so just have sex with a doctor."
31. People standing left on an escalator.
32. Smashing your iPhone screen when you’re drunk.
"Well, you’re going to feel bad the next day no matter what, so give yourself a reason."
33. Smashing your iPhone screen when you’re sober.
"Well, you’re going to feel bad that you’re not drunk and no one has asked you out to the pub, so give yourself a reason."
34. Smashing your iPhone screen sober but you tell others you did it drunk.
35. Finding out your favourite US show (cough, Parks and Recreation) has finished airing in America but won’t be on British television for months.
"There’s no getting over that. That’s horrifying. All the things you’ve mentioned, this is the one that is inexcusable. I would say go to bed, just go to bed until the show is on."
36. Trying to buy one root vegetable but it is packaged in a packet of six.
"The upside is that the onion farmers are having a tough year and they need your money."
37. The bars and clubs finish at midnight and you have nowhere to drink.
"Again, I can’t stress this enough. You’re at the pub. It’s closing. Where do I go? Perhaps I should give one more try with the woman I was eyeing earlier at the tube! Now she’s outside, so she’s safe! So you go up to her and say, 'Do you want to come to my house? I like to sleep over my covers because the duvet makes me too hot. I’ve got six onions, no croissants, and a lot of stories from being abroad.'
"And there you go: You’ve found your wife."