12 Steps To Tell Whether You’ve Got The Plague

If you’re wondering, you probably have it already. The Black Death spares no one! Especially not those who are already dying from it (like you, probably).

1. Ask a Plague Doctor.

This is the primary and honestly best way to find out if you have the plague. Plague Doctors are easy to find, in their black robes and hat and creepy long-nosed mask that they wear around the place. They’re also easy to spot because they are still moving around, unlike the moribund piles of the dead clogging your city’s streets, the empty husks of those poor souls who’ve already succumbed to this deadly blight.

2. Ask God.

If you can’t find a Plague Doctor, you can pray to God to give you a sign and let you know if you’ve been struck by the dread disease. One sign might be huge boils on your skin, or your skin might turn a dark purple shade. If that happens, it means you have the plague.

3. Spitting up blood?

You’ve got the plague.

4. Gangrene of the extremities?

You’ve got the plague.

5. Black dots?

Plague, baby.

6. Swelling of the bubo?

Oh, that’s plague.

7. Pain and a high fever?


8. Seizures?


9. Chills?

You’ve been plagued. PLAUGE.

10. Muscle cramps?

That’s plague-talk. PLAGUE.

11. Malaise; extreme pain; vomiting blood; heavy breathing; aching limbs; coughing; or your skin falling off.

Welcome to Plagueton, population you.

12. You’re dead.

If you’re dead, you probably died of the plague, and now your ghost is reading this.

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