For many, college is a time to build a different reputation. It's a time to delete your Facebook album from that Coldplay concert you went to junior year with your lame girlfriend and to pretend to be someone you're not. Making the choice to go to college is kind of like living in a "choose your own adventure" book where every ending ends with fast food and regret. No matter where you go, big school or small school, fun school or community college, everyone has a different experience, but we all share the same end goal: To make it seem like we're having a better time than our high school friends. In the next 500 words, put on your seat belt and get ready to take a trip as I share with you some essential tips for surviving college. Better yet, double buckle, you're in college now, be cool.
FRESHMAN ORIENTATION:
Don't talk to anyone.
FINDING YOUR CLASSES:
While no one is expecting you to waltz down fraternity row the first day and become the big man on campus, they are expecting you to look like a complete fucking idiot finding your way to class. In order to combat this preconceived notion, NEVER ask anyone for help. NEVER. I will warn you that there will be staff assigned by the university to help direct you to your building in order to get you to your class on time, I cannot be more clear when I say that this is a trap. Don't embarrass yourself in front of that hot senior who is probably standing behind you while you're looking like a newb. I didn't make it to my chemistry class once the first two weeks because I couldn't find it. I ended up failing the class, but at least I had my pride.
CLASSROOM ETIQUETTE:
Once you do arrive to your class (without anyone's help) remember that seating is very important. It says a lot about who you are before you actually get the chance to meet anyone. Because seating in college is such a toss up and depends on so many variables, when you get to your class, just stand. Stand there and then when you are thinking about sitting down stand some more. Do your legs hurt? Stand the whole class like you don't give a fuck. This will immediately draw the attention of your classmates while at the same time letting your professor know that you might qualify for extra time on exams.
#DORMLIFE:
Naturally, you will be spending the majority of your days in your dorm. This will often times be your place of study as well as your lovemaking temple. Sometimes at the same time. Your dorm room should be set up in a manner in which your friends can come over and, without exchanging any words, be able to know everything about you. However, at the same time, you do not want to come off as too predictable so be sure to throw some curveballs in there. For example, my freshman year I put my favorite sports posters on the wall, hung some of my favorite album covers above my bed, and to keep people on their feet I also threw some photoshopped pictures of me with Amelia Earhart on my desk like what am I super old or did I transport here am I an alien what is going on. I kissed zero girls that year.
PARTIES, BRO:
Finally, partying will forever go hand in hand with college. There is something about the newfound independence and spontaneity that makes you want to drink beer until you pee your pants (note: wear your roommate's pants to parties). My first college party I threw up on a girl. Literally right on her face. Needless to say, she wasn't exactly head over heels for me. The point is, you're going to do a lot of stupid and embarrassing things in college, especially at parties and I don't really have any great advice for this except you better be on Facebook first thing in the morning to untag photos. However, there is something productive you can be doing in the meantime to boost your popularity at social events. Of course I'm talking about learning the first lines to all the popular rap songs (no one will listen to you past that) and make sure to know the words to the chorus of Ignition Remix.
So there you have it, some foolproof ways to survive college while ensuring yourself a great time.
*Also, buy easy mac and give into peer pressure.
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