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Presidents Ranked In Order Of How Much I Think They Would Like Justin Bieber

George H.W. Bush's recent comments (questions?) about Justin Bieber ( "I don’t know much about the Bieber. Never see him, I don’t know what he does." ) made me realize that every President of the United States should have their Bieber feelings on record.

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2. Lyndon B. Johnson

I can imagine him asking Bieber to speak to the youth and get them to stop making his war in Vietnam look bad, and I could imagine him really being into the version of “That Should Be Me” with Rascal Flatts. Johnson had a strong opinion on most everything, and Bieber is no exception.

5. Franklin Pierce

It goes without saying that “Handsome” Frank is the only president on this list whose hair rivals Bieber’s. They’d have a lot to talk about. Also, if Pierce could form a lifelong friendship with Jefferson Davis, he’d be forgiving of The Bieb’s more forgettable work. (Even “One Time” isn’t as bad as being President of the Confederacy, right?)

8. Bill Clinton

They’ve both got musical skills, of course; imagine if we took out Ludacris’ rap in “Baby” and replaced it with a saxophone solo. Clinton would rack up tons of street cred and unprecedented access to tons of bored and hot moms.

9. Ulysses S. Grant

I don’t care what anybody says: Ulysses S. Grant and me would have fallen in love, and he would have liked Justin Bieber just because I like Justin Bieber. And those are the facts based on my historical knowledge.

10. Chester A. Arthur

The first President fact I ever loved was that Chester A. Arthur changed his pants more times a day than is socially acceptable. The thrill of a wardrobe change is something that could inspire hours of conversation. Also: Arthur might have possibly been born in Canada…

11. Barack Obama

If you’re the father of two young daughters, you will eventually catch the Fever. (Treatment for Bieber Fever is actually required by the Affordable Care Act, right before the thing about Death Panels.)

13. Thomas Jefferson

Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence, Justin Bieber wrote “U Smile.” They could be best friends based on writing skills alone. But Jefferson also had a thing for black girls, and that gives him a certain amount of credit in the very same hiphop community Bieber is trying (way too) hard to become a part of.

14. James Madison

At (allegedly) 5-foot-7, Bieber is only three inches taller than Madison, but either way, they’re both weirdly short and all short people are friends, right? Or, all short people have the same complexes, right?

15. William McKinley

McKinley was a romantic at heart—the first words he said after being shot were about his wife. I’d like to think that if Bieber was ever shot (GOD FORBID), he’d say something super sweet about Selena.

16. Woodrow Wilson

Our 28th president would have gone to any lengths to get the US to join the League of Nations. I know that Bieber’s not an American, but I’m sure he’d do pro-League of Nations commercials if the price was right.

17. James Garfield

It took eighty days for Garfield to die after being shot. In that time, he’d crawl slowly toward the light while listening to Bieber’s “Pray,” and be grateful that the sweet angel with the bangs was there to guide him to heaven. I’m guessing.

18. Herbert Hoover

Hoover was an inherently good person—to blame the entire Great Depression on him would not be fair. The man held that guilt with him for the rest of his life, and sometimes, out of desperation and sadness, we often do crazy things. Things like sneak out to go fishing and singing “Baby” to ourselves while quietly weeping.

19. John Tyler

He had 15 kids, more than any other president, and called them his “principal treasure.” So, he’d have all of Justin’s songs on his iPhone, but, 95% of the time, he’d only listen to them when his kids were in the SUV.

21. Millard Fillmore

Fillmore signed into law the Compromise of 1850, and if he wasn’t willing to make up his mind about slavery in new states, then God knows he wouldn’t have been able to make up his mind about Justin Bieber.

24. Harry S. Truman

Truman is one of those under-the-radar badass Presidents. He's evidence that you don't judge a book by its cover. Yeah, those glasses are nerdy, but he also once told a crowd that anybody who voted for Nixon could "go to hell." So, does he like the Bieb or not? It could genuinely go either way.

27. Dwight D. Eisenhower

Despite his parents being pacifists and his low rank at West Point, Eisenhower was an accomplished soldier. Its evidence that hard work can trump talent—something we all know Bieber can appreciate. However, I’m not sure Eisenhower would have appreciated that Bieber used his hard work to become a pop star instead of something useful like a solider.

36. William Henry Harrison

Died too soon after election to truly understand Bieber, but would have warmed up to him at some point. (It’s funny because he died from pnemonia after spending too long in freezing-cold weather.)

40. Ronald Reagan

Towards the end of his life, I think Reagan would warm up to the Bieb. But I think he’d look down on Bieber’s lack of acting talent and be suspicious of any of his Communist tendencies (his use of Twitter, the political ideas behind songs like "One Less Lonely Girl," and "U Smile.").

43. James Buchanan

Buchanan was the only bachelor president—his true love died from “female hysteria” in 1819. Because Bieber is the number one cause of female hysteria, I can’t imagine Buchanan would like him (even though they have the same initials).

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