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Twerkology 101: Basic Principles Of Twerking

Please take your seats, folks. Class is officially in session.

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What is "twerking?"


Twerking is a popular dance move in black culture that involves voluntary contractions of the butt along a three-dimensional axis. Twerking itself has been a latent part of black culture for years; however, a recent mutation in a certain white host has resulted in a full-blown national epidemic known as the "white person twerk" (if you watched the 2013 VMAs, then patient zero shouldn't be a mystery to you). In order to successfully eradicate this horrific white twerkidemic, we must first familiarize ourselves with some basic twerkological principles.

What do we know about "twerking?"


The phenomenon of twerking is extraordinary to say the least; however, conceptually it's pretty simple, if you know the basic laws of physics. If you don't know your physics, just know this: in the end, chaos always prevails. As of today, a consensus regarding a single universal definition of twerking does not exist; however, there are three undisputed elements that are essential to a proper twerk: 1) being black; 2) having a disproportionately large butt; 3) being awesome. Collectively, these three variables makeup what is known as the "Laws of Twerkodynamics."

The First Law of Twerkodynamics

As we know, there are three essential elements to a proper twerk. Let's review them before delving into some basic universal principles of twerking. These three variables are: 1) being black; 2) having a disproportionately large butt; 3) being awesome. As previously mentioned, these three variables makeup "The Laws of Twerkodynamics." The First Law of Twerkodynamics states that the collective presence of all three of the above-mentioned variables will result in a desired steady state known as "twerk-equilibrium," or just "twerkulibrium." The result is a beautiful twerk.

The Second Law of Twerkodynamics


The Second Law of Twerkodynamics states that the removal of any one of these three variables will disturb the desired steady state of twerkuilibrium, and there will be a gradual decline into a state of disorder. Finally, chaos will ensue and your twerk will inevitably suffer. The result is what looks like a grand-mal seizure. It's all about balance. That is why catastrophes such as these happen when white people attempt to twerk.

Just to recap

So just to recap: there are two kinds of people in this world: those who can twerk and those who cannot. The latter can take on two forms: white people who think they can twerk, and white people who are smart enough to know they can't.

Where do we go from here?


Despite the widespread devastation caused by Miley’s ass, we still have a fighting chance against this horrific twerkidemic. So unless you are cool with your hard-earned tax dollars being used to subsidize emergency room visits for the deluded twerker, we need to put our minds together and put an end to this madness. Education is key. So spread the word and do your part to raise awareness so we can eradicate this twerkidemic and ensure that our future retirement parties are not twerkfests. I’m sure that both God and Darwin agree with me here because, lets face it, there is a reason why white people weren’t blessed with big butts.

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