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9 Traditions That White People Love To Butcher

Its great how much America embraces black culture these days, because lets face it, black culture is pretty awesome. However, there are certain things that should be left strictly to the black folk, because its only cool when they do them. And when white people do them, its just embarrassing.

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9. Kicks

In the black community, “kicks” most commonly refer to Jordan-type sneakers, but they can refer to shoes of any kind. However, if you are white and you wear Jordans (or any footwear), they are just shoes and not kicks. There is no gender bias here either. The furry Uggs that you wear with your denim mini also should not be referred to as “kicks” (they really shouldn’t be worn at all, but that’s for a different day).

So just to recap: if you are white, you wear shoes. If you are black, you can wear kicks or shoes- its your call.

8. Cornrows

Unless you are Justin Timberlake and its 1998, its never acceptable to wear cornrows in your hair. I don’t think I need to elaborate any further on this. Sorry Selena, we love you, but even you couldn’t pull this look off

7. Doo-rags

I shouldn’t even have to mention this, but there’s an unfortunate white doo-rag epidemic that’s sweeping our nation, and awareness must be raised. If you are white and you wear doo-rags, you are disgracing the black community and yourself. If you are really adamant about wrapping a piece of cloth around your head, how about try a nice bandana instead?

6. Swag

If you are white and you think you have swag, I hate to break it to you, but you don’t. When you get up in the morning, you do not turn your swag on. And if you look in the mirror and say “wassup,” you need a mental health assessment ASAP. Unless you are using “swag” as a noun in the context of curtains and drapery, you should not use it at all. If I had a dime for every white teenybopper whose gone in front of Simon Cowell singing about their “swag,” I’d have 20 cents. And thats more than I should have.

5. Hurr

“Hurr” is southern ebonics for “hair” or “here.” The term has been around for ages; however, white people first stumbled across it in the song “Hot in Herre” by Nelly. But, that was over a decade ago, yet white people are still using “hurr” as part of their every day vocabularies, even elaborating with variants such as “curr” and “wurr.” If you are one of these people, please stop because you sound like an idiot. Do you really want to be like this guy?

Sidenote: If you are one of those twidiots who embraced the hashtag #messyhurrdontcurr, you can disregard this because you are already too far gone for it to even matter.

4. Ratchet (adjective)

The etymology of the word “ratchet” is still unknown, but many believe that it evolved from a horrid mispronunciation of the word “wretched.” In ebonics, “ratchet” most commonly refers to a low-budget dirty hoe who is a hot shit mess, but there are other usages as well. There is no synonym for “ratchet” in the English language, and there’s a reason for that: white people aren’t supposed to say it.

3. "Hair did"

Getting your “hair did” was a popular activity in the black community even before Missy rapped about it. “Hair did” is ebonics for getting your hair done, and it is only meant to be used as a verb. But, as with most phrases, white people have somehow managed to butcher it in every way possible, using it as a noun, an adjective, or just using it, period. Sadly, this applies to males and females, who are both guilty of misusing this coveted phrase. Do you really aspire to be like this did-gooder?

“Nails did” is also ebonically incorrect. Missy said nothing about getting your “nails did;” the correct phrase is, “Get a pedicure, get your hair did,” which you still should not repeat if you’re white, but it’s a lesser offense. So unless you are a black girl going to get your hair braided or weave put it in, please refrain from using it.

2. "Bye Felicia"

If you watch the Real Housewives of Atlanta, then this phrase should be familiar to you. Originating from the 1995 movie “Friday” starring Ice Cube and Chris Tucker, “Bye Felicia” literally means “bye bitch that I don’t give a f*ck about.” The phrase stayed dormant for approximately two decades, but it has recently spiked in popularity for reasons that are unclear. But there is one thing that is clear: white people sound really dumb when they say it. You need to have a certain rhythm in your voice to convey “Bye Felicia” properly, and its something that we white folks just don’t have.

1. Twerking

Ahhhh yes, twerking.

Twerking is a popular dance move in black culture that involves voluntary contractions of the butt along a three-dimensional axis. Twerking itself has been a latent part of black culture for years; however, a mutation in a certain white host has resulted in a full blown national epidemic (if you watched the 2013 VMAs, then patient zero shouldn’t be a mystery to you). In order to successfully eradicate this horrific twerkidemic, we must first familiarize ourselves with some basic twerkological principles . So please take your seats, because class is officially in session.

The phenomenon of twerking is extraordinary to say the least; however, conceptually it’s pretty simple, if you know the laws of physics. As of today, a consensus regarding a single universal definition of twerking does not exist; however, there are three undisputed elements that are essential to a proper twerk:

1) being black

2) being awesome

3) having a disproportionately large butt

These three variables makeup the “Law of Twerkodynamics,” which states that the collective presence of all three variables will result in a desired steady state known as “twerk-equilibrium,” or just “twerkulibrium.” Furthermore, the removal of any one of these variables will disturb this equilibrium, and your twerk will inevitably suffer.

So just to recap: there are two kinds of people in this world: those who can twerk and those who cannot. The latter can take on two forms: white people who think they can twerk, and white people who are smart enough to know they can’t. Despite the widespread devastation caused by Miley’s ass, we still have a fighting chance against this horrific twerkidemic. Education is key. So unless you are cool with your retirement party being a twerkfest, we need to put our minds together and put an end to this madness. And I’m sure that both God and Darwin agree with me here. I mean, lets face it, there is a reason why white people weren’t blessed with big butts.

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