1. A pair of diamond-shaped whiskey glasses, because real diamonds are really out of the budget this year, and your person has an impressive track record when it comes to losing little trinkets anyways.
2. A gothic skull ring for anyone's who totally over dainty, heart-shaped jewelry — and it doubles as a bottle opener, so cheers!
3. Odor-neutralizing charcoal packs to stick into their shoes and do them a big favor, because nothing says "I love you" like "Your feet are stinky and my nose is suffering greatly as a result."
4. An actually stylish pair of Privé Revaux blue light-blocking glasses to alleviate some of the stress from your partner's eyes after a long day of staring at screens. Useful > romantic all day.
5. A teddy bear keychain that's a little less sentimental with its words, because sometimes we aren't as classy as we seem to be and that's perfectly fine.
6. Audio-sharing Bluetooth Wearhaus Arc+ headphones, so you can both listen to your favorite tunes without having to give up sound quality in one ear or getting your shared earbuds tangled. And most importantly, without having to deal with their gross earwax.
7. A classic Tina Belcher mug to very eloquently profess your love for butts, but especially your special someone's butt. 🍑
8. Or a delightfully squishy corgi butt mousepad that'll support and cuddle their worn-out wrists — and, of course, make them laugh a lot. The height on those cheeks!!
10. A larger-than-life wine glass with the capacity to fill a WHOLE BOTTLE of the good stuff, because you never believe your S.O. when they say "I'm just having one glass, I swear."
11. And an wine aerator can help enhance the taste and palate of any wine, cheap or expensive — but mostly cheap, especially if they're going to drinking it in large quantities in a short amount of time *ahem*.
12. A cheeky T-shirt that they might not wear outside the house, but at least when they're lounging, they'll always remember that they repulse you the least and that you tolerate them (which are big compliments, TBH).
13. A bamboo tub caddy, because oftentimes the best gift isn't one you can use together, but the gift of ~alone time~ — and better yet if it accommodates a good book, chill tunes, and a glass of vino.
14. A wrap-around travel pillow to support your loved one's neck, chin, and weary soul — because traveling is tough as it is on the body, might as well make it slightly more pleasant!
15. Comfy noise-blocking ear plugs as your way of saying "Sorry I snore so loudly — hope these bring you lots of sweet, undisturbed dreams." 😅
16. And speaking of better sleep for the *both* of you, a two-inch gel-infused memory foam mattress topper that'll provide your tushes (as well as your backs, sides, and joints) some much-needed cush.
17. A quirky "Faces I Know" poster for an accurate representation of your many moods throughout your relationship, especially your face at 3 a.m. when you've been rudely awakened by their arm unconsciously slapping the wits out of your face.
18. A "Tainted Love" gift box stuffed with disease microbes that depict romance gone a little bit awry — love is all about flexing your funny bone, isn't it?
19. An Instant Pot to make cooking a hearty, filling meal a ~s n a p~, and anyone who is otherwise too lazy to tend to and wait around for a pot over the stove (your S.O., ahem) might just be tempted to make food for you every so often. *swoon*
20. Foreo's Luna 2 so they can clean up their face and get rid of dead skin in 60 seconds, because you might be the only person who has to stare at their blackhead-ridden nose up close, but you're also the only person who matters!!!
21. A cuddly Gudetama plushie if you feel "meh" about Valentine's Day gifts, but "YES, must squish" about Gudetama.
22. "My side" and "your side" pillowcases to set very necessary and very fair sleeping boundaries — hey, you *do* make the rules.
23. A mini cushion that'll say "You turn my stomach into knots" without having to say it yourself, because they're not getting any sentimentality out of you.
24. A jerky heart tin for anyone who'd much rather snack on their gift than watch it wither away in a matter of days and *not* be able to eat it (yeah, talkin' bout you, flower bouquets).
25. An Echo Plus, so they can direct their laziness towards Alexa instead of asking you to turn off the lights, change the room temp, order pizza, request Ubers when *they're* running late, and give 'em the rundown of today's news — 'cause what are you, their servant?? No sirree.
26. A sexy George Costanza card to help express your feelings the best way you can, through a raunchy pop culture reference.
27. A compact portable charger with lots of juice to spare, so their phone never dies again when you're trying to reach them, like to remind them about that important errand they promised to help you run.
28. A pair of hunky underwear that'll definitely get a bout of laughter out of them — because Henry VIII is everyone's #1 most romantic historical figure, right?
29. Lelo's Tiana 2, a remote-controlled couple's vibrator for an particularly ~adventurous~ Valentine's night — it has a wireless range of 39 feet for extra unpredictability.
30. A manual scalp brush for a delightfully soothing and satisfying scalp massage that gets rid of unruly build-up and makes hair appear fuller and voluminous — and what's theirs is also definitely yours...so "borrow" it and get into those roots! 💆
31. An actually stylish pair of Chelsea rain boots, so you never have to hear them complain about ruining another pair of beloved shoes due to terrible weather.
33. Colorful "You make me horny" wrapping paper to give whatever you decide to gift a touch of sexy real talk.
Here's to saying "I love you" in your own (less mushy and far superior) way.
In the market for more V-day gift ideas? Check out these posts:
39 Gifts For For The Most Practical Person You Know
48 Useful Gifts That Will Make Anyone's Life Easier