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15 Times The Onion Proved Humanity Is Too Predictable

Our lives are a joke.

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1. Gillette Releases Five-Blade Razor (2004):

Eleven years later, this quote from The Onion still made total sense:

"The market? Listen, we make the market. All we have to do is put her out there with a little jingle. It's as easy as, 'Hey, shaving with anything less than five blades is like scraping your beard off with a dull hatchet.'"

Eleven years later, this quote from The Onion still made total sense:

"The market? Listen, we make the market. All we have to do is put her out there with a little jingle. It's as easy as, 'Hey, shaving with anything less than five blades is like scraping your beard off with a dull hatchet.'"

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Eleven years later, this quote from The Onion still made total sense:

"The market? Listen, we make the market. All we have to do is put her out there with a little jingle. It's as easy as, 'Hey, shaving with anything less than five blades is like scraping your beard off with a dull hatchet.'"

2. Big Chocolate Pays Out For Making People Fat (2000):

The mother who sued Nutellla settled for $3 million, $2.5 million of which went to other Americans who admitted that they thought this chocolate spread was healthy.

3. The Iraq War Helped Create Rise of ISIS (2003):

Some things The Onion eerily foretold:

"In 10 or 15 years, we will look back fondly on the days when there were only a few thousand Middle Easterners dedicated to destroying the U.S. and willing to die for the fundamentalist cause. From this war, a million bin Ladens will bloom."

Some things The Onion eerily foretold:

"In 10 or 15 years, we will look back fondly on the days when there were only a few thousand Middle Easterners dedicated to destroying the U.S. and willing to die for the fundamentalist cause. From this war, a million bin Ladens will bloom."

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Some things The Onion eerily foretold:

"In 10 or 15 years, we will look back fondly on the days when there were only a few thousand Middle Easterners dedicated to destroying the U.S. and willing to die for the fundamentalist cause. From this war, a million bin Ladens will bloom."

4. Record Companies Demand Royalties From Radio Stations (2002):

From The Onion:

"[Radio stations] flagrantly string our songs together in 'uninterrupted music blocks' of up to 70 minutes in length, broadcasting nearly one CD's worth of product without a break, and they actually have the gall to allow businesses to advertise between songs. It's bad enough that they're giving away our music for free, but they're actually making a profit off this scheme."

In 2008, Congress introduced several bills to make radio stations pay royalty. It's 2015 and it's still happening.

From The Onion:

"[Radio stations] flagrantly string our songs together in 'uninterrupted music blocks' of up to 70 minutes in length, broadcasting nearly one CD's worth of product without a break, and they actually have the gall to allow businesses to advertise between songs. It's bad enough that they're giving away our music for free, but they're actually making a profit off this scheme."

In 2008, Congress introduced several bills to make radio stations pay royalty. It's 2015 and it's still happening.

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From The Onion:

"[Radio stations] flagrantly string our songs together in 'uninterrupted music blocks' of up to 70 minutes in length, broadcasting nearly one CD's worth of product without a break, and they actually have the gall to allow businesses to advertise between songs. It's bad enough that they're giving away our music for free, but they're actually making a profit off this scheme."

In 2008, Congress introduced several bills to make radio stations pay royalty. It's 2015 and it's still happening.

5. Bush Declares War (2001):

HOW DID THE ONION KNOW THIS:

"Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years."

HOW DID THE ONION KNOW THIS:

"Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years."

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HOW DID THE ONION KNOW THIS:

"Bush also promised to bring an end to the severe war drought that plagued the nation under Clinton, assuring citizens that the U.S. will engage in at least one Gulf War-level armed conflict in the next four years."

6. Stephen King Doesn't Remember Writing All Of His Books (1999):

Sure, it wasn't Tommyknockers, but Stephen King did admit to forgetting writing a book, so The Onion's prediction was still very impressive:

"After reading the plot synopsis, I sort of remembered it, but, then again, maybe it just sounded like something else I wrote. After your 50 or 60th one, it's all kind of a blur."

Sure, it wasn't Tommyknockers, but Stephen King did admit to forgetting writing a book, so The Onion's prediction was still very impressive:

"After reading the plot synopsis, I sort of remembered it, but, then again, maybe it just sounded like something else I wrote. After your 50 or 60th one, it's all kind of a blur."

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Sure, it wasn't Tommyknockers, but Stephen King did admit to forgetting writing a book, so The Onion's prediction was still very impressive:

"After reading the plot synopsis, I sort of remembered it, but, then again, maybe it just sounded like something else I wrote. After your 50 or 60th one, it's all kind of a blur."

8. U.S. Tries To Make It Up To Israel By Sending Them Weapons (2015):

This article is The Onion's quickest turnaround for a prediction with less than a week:

"Following Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s heated objections to the nuclear deal struck between the United States and Iran, American officials announced Tuesday that they were calming the upset head of government by treating him to a nice, big shipment of ballistic missiles."

This article is The Onion's quickest turnaround for a prediction with less than a week:

"Following Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s heated objections to the nuclear deal struck between the United States and Iran, American officials announced Tuesday that they were calming the upset head of government by treating him to a nice, big shipment of ballistic missiles."

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This article is The Onion's quickest turnaround for a prediction with less than a week:

"Following Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s heated objections to the nuclear deal struck between the United States and Iran, American officials announced Tuesday that they were calming the upset head of government by treating him to a nice, big shipment of ballistic missiles."

9. Vatican Performs Damage Control After Pope Preaches Tolerance Toward Homosexuals (2013):

The Onion knew that most of the Vatican's clergy didn't exactly agree with the pope's more liberal stances, but no one knew they would be this on the nose:

"'It is not the official stance of the Pope or the Catholic Church that all people of good will who seek the Lord, especially gay people, should be accepted by Christ,' a visibly nervous Vatican spokesman told reporters, adding that the Holy Father was clearly tired after his long trip to Brazil and never meant for his comments to sound caring or realistic."

The Onion knew that most of the Vatican's clergy didn't exactly agree with the pope's more liberal stances, but no one knew they would be this on the nose:

"'It is not the official stance of the Pope or the Catholic Church that all people of good will who seek the Lord, especially gay people, should be accepted by Christ,' a visibly nervous Vatican spokesman told reporters, adding that the Holy Father was clearly tired after his long trip to Brazil and never meant for his comments to sound caring or realistic."

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The Onion knew that most of the Vatican's clergy didn't exactly agree with the pope's more liberal stances, but no one knew they would be this on the nose:

"'It is not the official stance of the Pope or the Catholic Church that all people of good will who seek the Lord, especially gay people, should be accepted by Christ,' a visibly nervous Vatican spokesman told reporters, adding that the Holy Father was clearly tired after his long trip to Brazil and never meant for his comments to sound caring or realistic."

11. New Species Discovered And Immediately Eaten (2005):

The Onion even knew it would be a monkey:

"Ateles saporis, informally known as the delicacy ape, is a tree-dwelling herbivore that can measure up to a meter from head to tail. The adult delicacy ape weighs between 35 and 40 pounds and tastes wonderful with a currant glaze."

The Onion even knew it would be a monkey:

"Ateles saporis, informally known as the delicacy ape, is a tree-dwelling herbivore that can measure up to a meter from head to tail. The adult delicacy ape weighs between 35 and 40 pounds and tastes wonderful with a currant glaze."

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The Onion even knew it would be a monkey:

"Ateles saporis, informally known as the delicacy ape, is a tree-dwelling herbivore that can measure up to a meter from head to tail. The adult delicacy ape weighs between 35 and 40 pounds and tastes wonderful with a currant glaze."

12. School Athlete Applauded For Standing Up Against Rape Allegations (2001):

theonion.com

The Onion's most damning line:

"Throughout it all, the team's fans never wavered in their support of Jacob."

13. Innocent, Wholesome Hannah Montana Will Not Exist In 2013 (2008):

The Onion foretold the end of Miley Cyrus as Hannah Montana, including guessing the year (2013) she would fall from wholesome grace.

"If we don't act now, the down-to-earth Miley that loves text messaging and playing guitar in her bedroom will be wiped off the face of the earth forever."

The Onion foretold the end of Miley Cyrus as Hannah Montana, including guessing the year (2013) she would fall from wholesome grace.

"If we don't act now, the down-to-earth Miley that loves text messaging and playing guitar in her bedroom will be wiped off the face of the earth forever."

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The Onion foretold the end of Miley Cyrus as Hannah Montana, including guessing the year (2013) she would fall from wholesome grace.

"If we don't act now, the down-to-earth Miley that loves text messaging and playing guitar in her bedroom will be wiped off the face of the earth forever."

14. The One Percent Speak Out Against Inequality (1996):

The Onion imagined a world in which even the billionaires get fed up with how unfair the system is:

“We control 30% of the nation’s wealth, while comprising .00000001% of the population. That’s outrageous. We must be stopped.”

The Onion imagined a world in which even the billionaires get fed up with how unfair the system is:

“We control 30% of the nation’s wealth, while comprising .00000001% of the population. That’s outrageous. We must be stopped.”

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The Onion imagined a world in which even the billionaires get fed up with how unfair the system is:

“We control 30% of the nation’s wealth, while comprising .00000001% of the population. That’s outrageous. We must be stopped.”

15. News Will Continue To Cover Bullshit Like Bears On The Loose (2010):

View this video on YouTube

youtube.com / Via theonion.com

OK, maybe this isn't so much a prediction as it is an insanely accurate description of what happens on local news all the time. But when The Onion nails it, it really nails it:

"Just after three o'clock this afternoon, residents in the neighborhood were shocked to see this fairly common thing happening.”

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