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58 Things I Want To Scream At The Dog Park

"Wait, where'd her poop go?"

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1. Hey Bella! Bella Hey BELLA! BELLA! BELLA!

2. My dog is now off-leash so naturally she has forgotten her name.

3. Should I chase her? No, I should just stand her and let her come to me.

4. Maybe she forgot who I am?

5. I know. I'll throw a ball for her.

6. Oh good! She got the ball! Bring it back--

7. And now she's running away with it.

8. My dog doesn't know how to fetch. Fetching is the most basic dog trick.

9. Oh no, now she's chasing another dog with a ball.

10. She's pawing the dog in the face.

11. Now she's got that dog's ball.

12. I'm sorry, other humans, she doesn't know "drop it"!

13. Drop it! Hey! Drop it!

14. Yeah, she definitely doesn't understand that. I'm such a bad mom.

15. Maybe if I throw another ball?

16. Oh, she doesn't care... and now another dog has the ball.

17. Good, she dropped it. I guess I'll just run over there and get it.

18. Look! Hanzo is here! I wish my dog was as good as Hanzo.

19. Oh Hanzo is following his owner! What a good dog.

20. Hanzo doesn't run at dog, he politely walks toward the dog.

21. Wait, Hanzo's not sniffing that dog's butt? He's like... oh my god, he's eating out another dog's butt. Oh my god. Am I the only one seeing this?

22. My dog might be bad, but at least she doesn't do that.

23. Where is my dog? Oh, she found that dog-horse!

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24. Don't get that close! You're gonna get peed on!

25. I don't know why your dog's yelping. They're just playing.

26. Here, to make up for it, I'll give your dog a treat.

27. No I don't know if these treats are gluten-free. They're chicken?

28. Oh, your dog's a vegetarian. Sorry.

29. What's her breed? She's a mutt. I have no idea.

30. No, Bella! Don't follow that runner! Stay here!

31. You listened to me? Oh my god my heart is melting.

32. Stop rolling on the ground! I don't know what you are rolling in.

33. Oh god please don't be poop.

34. Thank god it's not poop. Unless... it was and she ate it?

35. Best not to think about it.

36. Come girl! Come! Come!

37. Nobody even noticed I was really yelling "cum".

38. Ewww gross, she's a dog and I refuse to think about her sexuality.

39. Oh why is she humping that dog? You don't even have balls!

40. Speaking of balls, where are your tennis balls?

41. Here's one -- holy shit it's covered in slobber.

42. I'll just leave that one for mother nature.

43. Who's dog is that? That dog looks like it's straight out of a children's storybook.

44. Oh no no no, she's pooping.

45. Where are my plastic bags?

46. Did I drop them somewhere?

47. Wait, where did the poop go? I thought she was somewhere around here.

48. I seriously cannot find this poop.

49. FUCK THIS POOP.

50. Oh crap I have to go to work.

51. How can I get her?

52. Why didn't I just leave the leash attached? So stupid.

53. (15 minutes of chasing dog)

54. Maybe I should just leave her here today. Maybe she wants to be returned for the wild.

55. That's probably it. She doesn't want to be cooped up in my tiny apartment. She wants to run free.

56. I'll just go.

57. Oh, hi girl. You were just sitting behind me? You want to go home?

58. Of course you do! What a good girl. You are perfect and you never do anything wrong and I love you.