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19 Things Twentysomething Teetotallers Want You To Know

It is possible to get drunk on love.

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1. We will never, ever be interested in your chat about how difficult you're finding Dry January.

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We have no sympathy. None. Every month is January for us.

2. We can see the fear in your eyes when we tell you we don't drink.

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It's like you've turned up naked to what you thought was a naked party. But then you see there's one guy wearing clothes and he probably has a camera.

3. But we don't actually judge you when we're sober.

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We're in this together. And, believe it or not, when you lose your inhibitions it allows us to lose ours too.

4. Apart from on the night bus or the last tube home. We judge your behaviour on those.

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Oh, the THINGS we have SEEN.

5. We feel awful the morning after a big night too.

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Most of a hangover is just dehydration and lack of sleep (probably), so we don't really feel much better than you do.

6. And we still send stupid texts to our exes and embarrass ourselves.

Oh god oh god oh god.
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Oh god oh god oh god.

7. We like going to the pub with you but wish there were more... activities.

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Clubs are good because there's dancing. Gigs are good because there's music. But sometimes we wish we could all just go to roller discos and play board games like we were 13 again. Because that was the good life, my friends.

8. We don't understand the etiquette of buying a round.

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Is it, like, the first person to finish theirs buys the next round? Or is there a hand signal we don't know about? Do you have a secret WhatsAspp group?

9. And we will never, ever offer to buy one.

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Sorry, but it's just never worth it for us.

10. We don't understand how you guys can go so long without food.

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The phrase, "Let's get drinks before dinner!" is a surefire way to press our hangry button. Does drinking suppress your appetite or something?

11. We wish there were more beverage choices for us.

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There's only so much juice you can drink in one night. Virgin cocktails are way too expensive for what is basically lemonade and grenadine, and soda gets us all hopped up on caffeine.

12. People always want to know WHY we don't drink.

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But secretly we wonder: Why do you drink? And you guys always want a story: "What happened? Was there something in particular that made you stop? Are you religious?"

13. And you love telling us about the time you quit drinking.

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Or you tell us that you need to quit drinking, or probably should stop drinking, or are planning to cut back on drinking. Please don't worry: You're fine, we're fine, EVERYTHING IS FINE.

14. We find it really awkward when someone says, "Shall we just split it?" after a big group dinner.

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You don't want to be that person, so you just sit there hoping someone remembers you don't drink and speaks up for you. But inside you're screaming, "I HAD NO WINE, NONE OF THE WINE WAS MINE."

15. We admit: Sometimes we do feel a bit smug.

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And sometimes we use being sober as a way of making ourselves seem more interesting.

16. But that's far outweighed by the intense FOMO we experience.

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How many stories start, "OK so we were completely sober..."?

17. The only night we find really tough is New Year's Eve.

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Oh god please don't fall on me, and please stop talking so loudly; THIS IS MY FAVOURITE SONG.

18. No, we're not all vegetarian.

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Seriously. Because I don't drink, people assume I don't eat meat. Why? Why would you think that? Is there secret beer in cows?

19. AND NO, FOR THE LAST TIME, WE ARE NOT PREGNANT.

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Just, no.