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Your Complete Moving Checklist

Prepare for your next move with this list.

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  1. How many of these tasks have you completed?

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    Cover your furniture in plastic wrap to prevent scratching in transit.
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    Fold your clothes neatly, run out of space in your boxes, scream in frustration, then violently stuff in all your clothes to make them fit.
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    Smash all of your glassware in your tub to leave for your home’s next occupant.
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    Secure any dogs or small children in safety crates.
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    Clearly label all your boxes either “Fragile” or “Please Break.”
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    Rip up your home’s floorboards and pack them up. They belong to you.
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    Set cobras loose (three per floor) to clean up any lingering vermin problems.
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    Strip your current home of copper wiring. It'll go a long way toward paying for your move.
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    Separate any remaining waste into distinct, recyclable piles of glass, paper, and trash, then dump them all in a single heap in the backyard for the raccoons to get into.
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    Have sex in every room of your house before you move out.
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    Hire a shaman to cleanse any spirits.
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    Hire a second shaman to put in some new spirits.
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    Cover up any holes in the walls with spackle or Band-Aids.
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    Deep-clean your oven, microwave, and living room pit of cooking sand.
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    Get rid of unwanted furniture by flinging your windows open and shouting, “Have at it!” to alert nearby freeloaders.
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    If you’re hiring movers, set aside some dollar coins to tip them with.
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    Cancel your cable, internet, heat, electricity, and oxygen services.
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    Eat any frozen food that won’t survive the move. Then buy more frozen food. Eat that too. In fact, even after you move, continue to eat. This isn’t really even a moving tip, it’s just a smart way to keep living.
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    Take a few hours to stare at yourself in the mirror. It’ll be the last time you can do that with your current mirrors.
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    Start your new life with a bang by blowing up your old home.
 
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