1. You hear the delightful tinkling of the piano theme music that sounds like it really should be playing in an elevator.
2. You see the pleasant pastels of the opening credits splash across your screen.
3. Ina Garten is wearing an oversize chambray shirt.
4. Or she's wearing an oversize black shirt.
5. The episode indicates we're going "back to basics."
6. The phrase "Barefoot Contessa" is never actually muttered once throughout the episode.
7. Ina explains to you the premise for why she needs to be cooking so much over the course of the episode. Usually it's a dinner party for her gay friends, OR she's cooking something for her dear husband, Jeffrey.
8. You see an establishing shot of Ina's Hamptons house OR the Hamptons beach.
9. Ina replies to a long-winded email in two sentences or less.
10. Ina tells you to use some impossible-to-acquire ingredients like "vanilla harvested from your backyard..."
11. ...but then tells you that yes, "store-bought is fine."
12. Ina tells you to use "good" ingredients, like "good" olive oil.
13. You wonder what even constitutes "good" olive oil.
14. Ina makes a pit stop at some swanky Hamptons boutique food store to pick up her ingredients.
15. ...or she goes out to her garden. Because of course she can cook using ingredients from her garden.
16. Ina also tells you to use a shit ton of butter, but promises it will be "worth it."
17. Ina describes a dish as Jeffrey's favorite.
18. Something is described as having a lot of "flavor" despite the fact you cannot, in fact, taste it.
19. Ina tastes a dish and it looks like there is a choir of angels singing off in the distance.
20. She laughs in a flirtatious way. You know the laugh.
21. There's a close-up of Ina using her dainty, perfect hands to add ingredients to the recipe.
22. Ina tells you to use a specific amount of an ingredient — say, a tablespoon — but she measures it out by eye because she's just THAT good.
23. There's a close-up of the food Ina is cooking, and you honestly wish you could lick your screen.
24. "How easy was that?"
25. Ina says something is "easy" when in fact it is actually quite complicated.
26. The tinkling background theme music shows up throughout the episode.
27. Ina asks the viewers to basically compliment her cooking — "How amazing does this look?"
28. Or she just decides to compliment it on her own anyway.
29. Some gay friends show up for dinner.
30. Or a celebrity friend shows up for dinner.
31. And Ina nonchalantly introduces one of her celebrity friends like they're just someone else — "My dear friend Taylor Swift…"
32. Or maybe just Jeffrey shows up for dinner.
33. You wonder how Jeffrey hasn't died from consuming all the sugar and butter in his wife's recipes…
34. ...but the entire episode is a reminder of how insanely jealous you are of them and their relationship.
35. Said dinner party is hosted outside…
36. ...or it's like, some fancy-schmancy Hamptons beach picnic.
37. Somehow she pulls off cooking three recipes, answering viewer emails, setting up, and hosting a dinner party in just one half-hour episode…
38. ...but no matter how ludicrous it all seems, you know you'd never stop watching Barefoot Contessa.
