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Posted on Oct 1, 2014

It's Time Loud Chewers Were Banished To The Ends Of The Earth

Food is meant to be swallowed, not heard.

by ,

ALERT ALERT. A problem has plagued humanity for far too long. It affects us all, and is blind to race, age, and gender, even if you are Beyoncé. What are we talking about? LOUD CHEWERS.

Nickelodeon

Where do we even begin with loud chewers? How about how when you're eating, all you want to do is enjoy some goddamn peace and quiet.

Paramount Pictures

Like, mealtime is PRECIOUS. Who wants to be bothered by ANY sort of noise, let alone someone chewing?

Warner Bros.
  1. Nickelodeon

Then there is the visual atrocity of loud chewers. It's not just an assault on your ears. Your eyes are subject to the madness too.

Nickelodeon

After all, you KNOW loud chewers will chew with their mouths open, and won't give a damn that you can see the chicken parm mushing around in their mouth. Do your eyes or ears hurt more? DOES IT EVEN MATTER?

Columbia Pictures
  1. Nickelodeon

Oh, and don't even get us STARTED on people who eat chips, pretzels, gum, and other loud foods.

If a loud chewer chews on chips alone, and there is no one around the hear them, do they make any noise? YUP, and it's a FUCK TON of noise.

TBS
  1. youtube.com

But crunchy foods aren't the only weapon of mass annoyance in loud chewers' arsenals. Perhaps even worse: MUSHY FOOD.

Disney

You know what I am talking about: mashed potatoes, oatmeal, cake, even FRO-YO. That smacking of the tongue and the lips. You can literally HEAR the moistness, and it is cringe-inducing.

CBS
  1. Cartoon Network

Finally, we need to talk about the worst problem of all: loud chewers who wreak havoc at the most inopportune moments. In the movie theater. In the car. In the library.

Def Jam

Loud chewers are NEVER acceptable. But the assault on your aural senses is most egregious in these sacred spaces. Like, we know you want to get all Katniss on the chick noshing on popcorn in front of you at The Hunger Games.

Lionsgate
  1. Sony Pictures

Loud chewers, sashay away. FOREVER.

LOGO

If you made it this far, CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!

Thinkstock

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