So when I watched Disney's classic Mulan for the first time in what seems like forever, it didn't surprise me that I had more than a few questions about what I just watched. Disney, I NEED SOME DAMN ANSWERS.
1.First of all, I'm not a military expert...but isn't the entire purpose of building a GREAT WALL defeated when it can be scaled using essentially some rope and a giant paper clip?!
2.Moving along...a question that has been bugging me for years. How does Grandmother Fa not have her own spin-off movie? I would buy a ticket in a HEARTBEAT.
3.Not really a question, but I cackled at the matchmaker telling Mulan she would never bring her family honor. Sis...maybe you need to get into another line of business when your job is so contingent on predicting the future!
4.I don't even wear makeup but I've watched enough RuPaul's Drag Race, so I need to know HOW Mulan gets her makeup off in one perfect wipe. That's more impressive than her saving all of China!
5.Also, why does Mulan feel the need to dramatically cut her hair with FRICKIN' BATTLE SWORD? Girl, get a pair of damn scissors! You're going to cut yourself!
6.The ancestors mention that Mushu has been sidelined because of an accident that cost one of Mulan's relatives their head. Ummmmmmm, what's the backstory on this?
7.One of Mulan's relatives drags her for cross-dressing, and then Mushu calls her "Miss Man" and complains about her "drag show." WHAT GIVES?!? I don't see anyone ELSE running off to save the family name!
8."I'll Make A Man Out Of You" is arguably the greatest Disney song ever.........right?!
9.I'm not complaining but why is Li Shang always shirtless? Aren't his nipples cold?
10.This scene is bringing back FLASHBACKS. I was shaken to the CORE as a little kid. Did this happen to anyone else?
11.Who lets their kid have a doll like this? It looks haunted and possessed. Bad parenting if you ask me.
12.During all the training scenes, it seems like there are DOZENS of troops training under Li Shang (at a minimum). But as they make their way to the capital city, I count just over 10. What happened to all of them?
13.I know this movie has ghosts and dragons and whatnot so I should be suspending my disbelief, but HOW am I supposed to believe that Mushu would be able to pull Cri-Kee out of the snow WHILE snowboarding down a mountain?! It's a "no" from me dawg!!!
14.Is anyone else picking up on how Li Shang is looking at Mulan dressed as Ping? Can anyone say FEELINGS?! He's falling for her (as a him) just saying!
15.I'm sorry but this guy is a POS (sorry for swearing, Mom). She just saved ALL of y'alls lives, and you're pulling her out of her medical tent to be shamed. How is this logical?! HOW???
16.Also, when Li Shang agrees to not kill Mulan for impersonating a man, he says it's a "life for a life." UMMMMM, HOW IS THIS A FAIR TRADE? She didn't just save your life, she saved Li Shang's entire ARMY'S lives (and quite possibly, all of China's). MEANWHILE, he's not killing her...because she's a woman. I don't care HOW many abs you have Li Shang, you my friend are just like every other man in this movie...TRASH!!!!!!!!
17.OK, I know I've harped on this before but why do TWO of the Huns decide to invade China titties first?! PUT A DAMN SHIRT ON. THIS ISN'T GRINDR, YOU'RE TRYING TO INVADE AN IMPERIAL CITY.
18.*DEEP BREATHING.* Moving on. Isn't it a little bit ironic that in order to save China, the rest of Li Shang's army has to dress in drag. Interesting!!! OH HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED.
19.Also, why doesn't Li Shang get into drag?!? This is kind of an "all hands on deck" situation if you ask me.
20.Because he sees Mulan for who she really is right away, is the Emperor the only unproblematic man in this entire movie?! Quite possibly!
21.Finally, is Mulan's horny grandma suddenly my favorite Disney character ever?! YES.
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