1. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m ~in the mood~ for some liberty and democracy right now.
2. Like, I’ve got a MAJOR freedom boner right now.
3. Haha, that could be a BuzzFeed quiz. “How Much Of A Freedom Boner Do You Have Right Now?”
4. I would get “Your freedom boner is as hard as George Washington’s wooden teeth.”
5. We’ve had enough of those tea-drinking, royalty-worshipping, overcooked meat-loving red coats. GO BACK TO YOUR DAMN ISLAND, AND NEVER COME BACK.
6. Like, they can’t even drive their carriages on the right side of the road. WHAT IS WITH THAT???
7. AND I’LL CALL IT SOCCER AND NOT FOOTBALL AND I’LL FEEL DAMN GOOD ABOUT IT.
8. Although we *will* miss their accents. They are kind of cute.
9. Alright, time to actually sign it. YOLO, am I right?
10. WOW this Declaration is long. I wonder how long it took Tommy Jeff to write it?
11. Like, there are a lot of words here. Ain’t nobody got time to read this.
12. :: skims document ::
13. Is that a typo???
14. WE CAN’T HAVE ANY TYPOS IN THE FREAKIN’ DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE.
15. Wait, just kidding. That IS the correct use of the word “their.”
16. I hate when people screw up “they’re,” “their,” and “there.”
17. Hmmm, “all men are created equal.” That has a nice ring to it.
18. And I can’t see that giving us any problems down the road.
19. I wonder who is covering this? Like, this has to be on the front page of the New York Times tomorrow, right?
20. Heck, I don’t even care if those nimrods from Fox News are here. I WANT TO BE ON TV, BABY!!!
21. God it is like an OVEN in here. How has Benjamin Franklin not invented air conditioning yet?
22. The rapscallion should spend less time flying kites out in a thunderstorm and more time inventing a good, solid air conditioner.
23. Also, WHY did we decide to meet in Philadelphia? They don’t even have Shake Shack here!
24. At least they have cheesesteaks here. God, I could really go for a cheesesteak right now.
25. I wonder if Pat’s delivers on GrubHub.
26. OK wait, back to the order of business. I need to get my name on this document.
27. GOD DAMMIT, HANCOCK. Of *course* he takes the best spot on the parchment.
28. Where the hell am I supposed to sign my name?
29. UGH, leave it to the delegates from Massachusetts to take up half the space. New Englanders, thinking they run the place.
30. Wait, before I sign, first…
31. LET ME TAKE A SELFIE.
32. ::Takes selfie with Declaration of Independence.::
33. God, I look fabulous.
34. Like, these breeches REALLY bring out my thigh gap.
35. And this wig really accentuates the contours of my face.
36. What filter should I use for my Declaration selfie? Maybe Hudson, or Sutro?
37. Screw it, I’m going with Toaster.
38. #FREEDOM #MURICA #ShoveMyStarsAndStripesUpYourAssKingGeorge
39. ::signs Declaration of Independence::
40. Oh shit. My handwriting sucks.
41. The damn quill was running out of ink, and my hand moved too fast and twitched at the end.
42. John Adams is going to give me so much shit for this.
43. Well whatever, I look so much more quiche in a tricorn than he does.
44. ALRIGHT BOYS, LET’S GET #F***YeahMurica TRENDING ON TWITTER.
45. Oh, I almost forgot we have Roger Sherman’s barbecue after this.
46. I hope he has some turkey burgers, my britches have been feeling a little tighter than usual.
47. Ugh, and last year he ran out of hot dog buns and I had to use a HAMBURGER BUN instead. THE HORROR.
48. BUT BEFORE WE GO, WHO WANTS TO SHOTGUN A BEER WITH ME? A SHOTGUN FOR FREEDOM?
49. ::shotguns beer with Elbridge Gerry and William Whipple.::
50. God bless America.
- Heads up, Harry Potter fans. You can now get Butterbeer ice cream at your grocery store 🍦✨