Top Ten Badass Things Jesus Did

It's this guys birthday soon, and whether you believe he actually existed or not (and I don't), he did some pretty cool things...

10. Kicking the Money Lenders out of the Temple

The one time in the Bible Jesus goes proper mental. Heading to Jerusalem for Passover, Christ notices the courtyard of the Temple is full of money changers and dove sellers. Then it kicks off. According to his mate Matthew, Jesus "cast out all them that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the money-changers, and the seats of them that sold doves." You'd have thought selling doves would have been a bit of a doss. Next thing you know the Son of God is chucking your chair about. According to John, Jesus even tooled himself up first, "making a whip of cords" before getting tasty. Pouring all their coins away JC then proclaims they have made the Temple "a den of thieves" before sodding off "out of the City and into Bethany", who sounds like an American high school girl but I'm guessing is a town. It seems JC was irate the Temple was being used for making cash. The money changers were making a profit converting Roman and Greek currency into the local Jewish money. The dove sellers crime? Sacrificing a lamb for Passover was the norm but if you were poor you could use a dove. JC saw the dove sellers as praying in the poor. Effectively a Wonga of their day.

9. Turning Water into Wine

We all love a free bar at a wedding, and so it seems did the guests at the Wedding at Cana; they'd finished all the wine and the night was still young. Luckily for the hosts one of the guests happened to be the Son of God. Dragged along by his Mum, a young Jesus had yet to perform a miracle and was seemingly reluctant to do so , on hearing the booze had ran out a stroppy JC said to his Mum "O Woman, what have I to do with you? My hour has not yet come " Mary was having none of this lip though and promptly told the servants to do what the boy said. JC asked them to fill up some containers with water and take them to the head waiter. Boom. Next thing you know it's wine. And no crap stuff either, on tasting the wine the waiter remarked it was unusual to serve the best wine last. No Blossom Hill for this lot. If you're gonna turn water into wine you might as well make it a decent one I suppose. Jesus' first miracle was in the bag. And what a miracle- what's better than free booze?

8. The Feeding of the Five Thousand

On hearing his cousin John the Baptist has been beheaded in a somewhat bizzare set of circumstances, Jesus decided to get a little boat and go somewhere quiet. The locals had other ideas however and the next thing he knows there's 5000 people on the shore. So being the decent guy he is Jesus decides to do one of his signature moves; healing the sick. This guy just loves healing the sick. Then it gets late and the Disciples, mindful of opening hours, start telling Jesus to let everyone go home before the shops shut. Being the chilled out guy he is Jesus is like "nah they can stay man, what food do we have?" The Disciples between them had the pretty poor amount of two loaves and five fishes. That's between 12 remember. I bet Judas had scoffed a load earlier. You just knew that guy was gonna be trouble...After a cheeky look to the heavens Jesus starts dishing out fish sandwiches to everyone. Everyone- that's 5000 people. Admittedy there wasn't a vegetarian option but hey it's free and maybe you could still have left and made the shops before they shut if you needed. Incredibly there were 12 baskets of leftovers as well. Jesus then got in his boat and floated off "to the vicinity of Magadan" . Like a boss.

7. Walking on Water

Despite Katrina's claims to have walked on sunshine, I'm claiming water is more impressive. After dishing out his rather large packed lunch Jesus had docked his boat and gone up a mountain to pray. Clearly not as good at tying knots as at feeding thousands of people, the boat had come loose in a storm. The Disciples, heading across the sea on their own boat, were caught up in this storm and started panicking. To their surprise Jesus comes walking across the sea like it's no biggie. Shocked, they think they are seeing a ghost and start screaming. Jesus calls out that it really is him and not to be scared. Peter, having none of this is like "If it's you then let me walk on the water as well" So Jesus is like "OK, get in then" and sure enough Petey starts walking across the sea towards him. Then, like a cartoon character suddenly looking down after running off a cliff, Peter looks down and starts sinking. Luckily Jesus is good enough to pull him out, though berates him as "Ye of little faith", they then both get on the boat, whereby the storm immediately stops. The Disciples proclaim that Jesus really must be the Son of God. What with the loaves and fishes thing earlier this must go down as one of the most mental days ever.

6. The Temptation of Christ

After being Baptised, Jesus decides to go into the desert and fast for 40 days. As you do. As if that wasn't hard enough, things get markedly worse when The Devil turns up. It's always that one person you don't want to bump into isn't it? The Devil asks JC that seeing as he's the Son of God why doesn't he turn some stones into bread. JC is having none of this, hitting back "Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God." So the Devil tries again, taking our hero up to a really high Temple and asking Jesus to jump off because ( quoting an old testament verse) "It is written, ;He shall give his angels charge concerning thee: and in their hands they shall bear thee up, lest at any time thou dash thy foot against a stone." JC again hits back with his own Bible verse saying "It is written again, Thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God." Still thinking he can get one over on Jesus and win this the devil finally takes him up a massive mountain and "sheweth him all the Kingdoms of the world" Yeah that;s right Sheweth, my new favourite word. So Jesus sheweth he was still the boss replying "It is written, Thou shalt worship the Lord thy God, and him only shalt thou serve. " At this the point the devil finally gets the idea he can't win this and buggers off. A load of Angels turn up and Christ is happy. Jesus 3-0 Devil. That shewethed him.

5. Saving a woman from stoning

Jesus was always winding the Pharisees up. He couldn't stand the bastards, and the feeling was mutual. Lovers of the Old Testament, they were irate with Jesus continually, as they saw, undermining its teachings. Thinking they'd get him to finally obey, they bring him to an adulterous woman. Now this poor woman has not only been busted cheating- she's been busted "in the very act." Awkward. And now she's about to get stoned to death, not with some high grade Jerusalem weed either, actual stones. Reminding JC that Moses's proposed punishment for this crime was death by stoning, the Pharisees taunt Jesus to go against it. "Now Moses in the law commanded us, that such should be stoned: but what sayest thou?" Waiting for his answer, no doubt with smug grins, they are annoyed when JC inexplicably ignores them and starts "writing on the ground with his finger" of all things. Pestering him Paxman like for a reply they finally get one when JC stands up and announces "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at he." then annoyingly gets down and starts writing again. After some awkward looking at feet and disgruntled muttering everyone sods off except Jesus and the woman. Showing manly constraint JC doesn't even try it on with her but simply gets up, tells her not to do it again and walks off. One of the great mysteries is what Jesus was writing on the ground with theories ranging from the names of the Pharisees and their sins to simply 'forgiven'. Sadly some countries still stone women to death. They'd better be worried if Jesus comes back.

4. Raising Lazurus from the Dead

Receiving a message from his friends Martha and Mary stating that their brother Lazarus is sick, Jesus decides to chill out for two whole days before setting off. On arrival, he is informed by the angry sisters that he is too late and Lazarus is now dead. Martha, the feistier of the two blatantly calls Jesus out, stating "Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died." Jesus seems his usual laid back self calmly replying "I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live: And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die." Now this is all very well but it's not going to bring Lazarus back from the dead is it? Wrong. After a quick cry Jesus moseys over to the Tomb, opens it up and gives Lazurus a shout. Much to the surprise of all present (most of all Lazurus himself I'm guessing) out he walks all alive and stuff. On seeing this many of the crowd present instantly believe Jesus to be the Son of God, but some miserable sods went and inexplicably grassed up Jesus to the authorities, as John states "Some of them went their ways to the Pharisees, and told them what things Jesus had done" What is it with some people eh?

3. The Last Supper

Not content with raising the dead Jesus then only goes and throws the most famous dinner party of all time. Making some incredible predictions which came true within hours, this was the place to be in Jerusalem that night. All twelve invited turned up. But then you would when the host can turn water into wine. This was the ultimate lads night in, even though according to Da Vinci they all sat facing the same way. Always a maverick Jesus kicked off proceedings by washing his guests feet before serving a main course of, er, bread. I'd have preferred a flan. As they tuck in JC then somewhat morbidly declares "This is my body" whilst they ate, then passing the wine around (I hope he didn't buy it himself) declared it was his blood and generally made out he didn't have long to live. As if that wasn't strange enough he then completely ruins the night by announcing that one of the Disciples will betray him, causing the most awkward silence in history. As John puts it "the disciples looked one on another, doubting of whom he spake." Though much like a works Secret Santa, within seconds everything was out in the open; the guilty man ,red-headed Apostle Judas Iscariot, makes for the exit after being handed a slice of bread. Things then get even more awkward for teachers pet Peter as he starts giving it the big "I won't let you die, I'll die with you mate" (how much of that wine did he have?) until Jesus stops him bluntly telling him he will deny knowing him before the cock crows...Three times. Awkward. They should have gone to the pub instead.

2. The Sermon on the Mount

Jesus had a way with words, in fact he had a way with most things to be honest, he came back from the dead for God's sake, but The Sermon on the Mount is essentially his manifesto. If he was standing as MP for Galilee North West, these would be his policies. It's pretty much the opposite of a UKIP manifesto. On a mountain overlooking Galilee and with a huge crowd hanging on his every word, Jesus launches into an impassioned speech, raging against a world where money, power and fame are seen as important. (How times change) Jesus tells us you can't serve God and money, that "The love of money is the root of all kinds of evil." Rejecting the Old Testament teachings regarding revenge "an eye for an eye" by turning the other cheek, "Whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also", he also introduces the most famous prayer of all time, the Lords Prayer, he tells us to treat everybody equally, The Golden Rule, a central tenet of every religion- "In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you" and generally bigs up love, respect and forgiveness. Packed with famous quotes that are now standard phases ,(wolves in sheep clothing, salt of the earth etc), and brimming with passion this is JC the preacher at his absolute best. On top of a mountain and on top of his game.

1. Coming back from the Dead

Ok, if in Shania Twain style, the previous nine didn't impress you much - check this out. After the Last Supper came to it's abrupt end Jesus and his Disciples (bar Judas) decamp to the wonderfully named Garden of Gethsemane. Seemingly intent on causing awkward situations that night, up strolls troublemaker supreme Judas and kisses Jesus. Clearly not the time or place for bromance this is revealed to be a sign to the awaiting soldiers who arrest Jesus. Following a beating and swift trial Jesus is sentenced to a brutal death by crucifixion. Mocking his status as 'King of the Jews' the soldiers fashion a crown for him, the bad news being it is made of thorns. In more bad news according to his mate John, Jesus actually had to carry his own cross up to the hill. As a carpenter by trade JC was presumably both elated and dismayed by the high quality of the cross's craftsmanship. Refsuing a cup of what sounds suspiciously like Blossom Hill Chardonnay ("They gave him vinegar to drink mingled with gall: and when he had tasted thereof, he would not drink.") Jesus screams "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" and promptly dies. Taken down and buried in a tomb, you'd think that was the last of our hero. You'd think wrong. Three days later Mary is surprised to see the tomb is both open and empty. Starting with Mary Magdalene. Jesus then begins a farewell tour of sorts, appearing to various old friends and behaving generally unlike a dead person. Ten of the eleven remaining Disciples (Judas having killed himself) see him but the absent Thomas is having none of it. Doubting Thomas finally believes when Jesus appears to him and insists Thomas feel his wounds from that whole Crucifixion business. JC also appears to the previously Jesus and Disciple hating Saul of Tarsus on the Road to Damascus. Saul changes his name to Paul and spends the rest of his life spreading the word of Jesus. Good work JC. Forty days after his resurrection Jesus ascends to heaven rather undramatically, on a cloud. "And when he had said these things, as they were looking, he was taken up; and a cloud received him out of their sight." Like a boss.