Muslim American Matchmakers Discuss Common Misconceptions

The Matchmakers on the Front line - Discuss What its Like Helping Muslims Connect for Marriage.

People have no idea what matchmakers do. Until recently, I didn’t have a clue either.

I honestly didn’t realize that someone called a “matchmaker” existed. The closest thing to a matchmaker would have probably been the traditional matchmaker auntie or the matchmakers from the Disney movie Mulan.

Luckily, I had the chance to talk with a team of matchmakers, who don’t resemble either of the matchmakers I mentioned above. The Beyond Chai matchmakers are first generation American Muslims who are culturally and religiously oriented with a passion for connecting people and helping them find their spouse.

The matchmakers weren’t surprised that I didn’t know much about the matchmaking process. They explained the misconceptions people have when it comes to matchmakers and the matchmaking process.

According to the Matchmakers generally people fall into three camps:

1) Matchmakers are Magical: This is the group of people who think based on their list of “Must Haves” the matchmakers will fashion a wife or husband with a magic wand – The guys want a tall soon to be doctor who makes biryani with one hand and the girls are looking for a strong man who has a Harvard business degree, cooks and volunteers at the Mosque. Of course both parties also expect that the match will be truly, madly, deeply in love with them once they are introduced.

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2) Matchmakers are a waste of time – This is the camp that feels that they don’t need help in finding a spouse because well, they have swag and can score on their own. They are not shy and they can do their own “thing.”

3) Matchmakers may work for some people but not for me - These are those guys and girls that shy away from using matchmakers because they feel that the matchmaker won't work for them they are apprehensive and may feel embarrassed.

Rumana Rashid, the lead matchmaker at Beyond Chai told me about Naveed,* a finance professional from California. Rumana said that he who was one of the guys who knew about matchmakers but wasn't sure if they would be able to help him.

Rumana said that Naveed was tired of the traditional process, his mom would send him biodatas of girls from abroad and it never seemed like any of the profiles he would receive were of people that he could have a real chance to connect with. Naveed felt it was hard for him to identify the qualities he was looking for because he was never really asked, instead his mom and aunties would email him with profiles and bio-datas.

"During my first consultation call I was able to ask Naveed what was actually important for him in relation to his future spouse," said Rumana. "He actually came back to me on our next call and said that by speaking to me he was able to really think about what exactly he wanted as opposed to just flat out rejecting profiles and feeling bad about the process."

Rumana has worked closely with many single Muslims and she said matchmaking is really a two way street with a lot of communication and transparency.

"Sometimes the guys and the girls who come to me are unrealistic about their expectations, my job as their matchmaker is to set realistic goals by making them think through hard questions and narrow down to what is really important to them," said Rumana.

In her over five years' experience of matchmaking Rumana said that once people understand what a matchmaker's role is and how the process works it is an extremely valuable relationship.

Asad Ansari, one of the founders of Beyond Chai and the Muslim District (Craigslist for Muslims) said that he knows about the challenges of finding someone on their own because the Muslim American community remains relatively small and geographically dispersed.

"Online Islamic marriage sites are viable options and have successfully worked for many. But not all users subscribed to these sites are serious about starting a long-term relationship," said Ansari. "The added value of the matchmakers is that they have an art of knowing people who are interested in settling down and will propose those candidates."

He added, "What separates Beyond Chai from other matrimonial sites is that you get a personal matchmaker working for you that you can consult and get individualized attention. So why take chances when you can hire a pro?"

Rumana also agreed and said that matchmakers can really help facilitate the often times awkward process.

“We will do everything to make it an easy process. I would encourage everyone to come in with an open mind and give us time to work to help them find their future spouse,” said Rumana.

* Name changed for privacy