49 Thoughts Everyone Has During Their First Massage
"THE OIL IS COLD. I REPEAT, THIS OIL IS COLD."
1. Everything in this lobby is so shiny and pretty.
2. I imagine all the people who come here are also shiny and pretty. 💁
3. I'll just read this glossy magazine and act like I totally come here all the time.
4. Sure are a lot of bottles for sale around here. Wonder if the facials here hurt.
5. Wait, are facials supposed to hurt?
6. WHY ARE MAGAZINES 80% ADVERTISEMENTS? NO ONE IS BUYING ANYTHING IN HERE, I GUARANTEE IT.
7. Great, I got here so early that I worked myself into a magazine-rage and now I need a massage even more.
8. Just sit quietly until your ~masseuse~ comes out here.
9. Oh, wait, did they call my name? Crap. I guess I gotta be ready to relax RIGHT NOW.
10. OH NO MY MASSEUSE IS A GUY?! GREAT.
11. THE AWKWARD LEVELS HAVE NOW SHOT THROUGH THE ROOF EVEN MORE.
12. I mean, I guess it would've been awkward no matter what. So.
14. This room is nice, though. I like the smell of that candle, something like "River Mist."
15. At least I don't have to get undressed in front of anyone.
16. HERE GOES NOTHING.
18. I HAVE MADE THE BOLD DECISION TO LEAVE MY UNDERWEAR ON. THE WORLD WILL JUST HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT.
19. Ooooh, the sheets are nice and warm and comfy cozy.
20. I could get used to this.
21. Is this face-hole paper going to put lines on my face? Because I feel like that's the opposite of what should happen at a spa. Lines should be ERASED.
22. Okay, this is totally normal. Just me and a dude in a room with some soft jazz, "River Mist," and lots of touching.
23. I hope my detailed answer of "shoulders, upper back, and also everywhere" was suitable.
24. I'd imagine there's plenty to work on there, seeing as no one ever has before.
25. Is there a "shallow"-tissue massage? What makes this "deep"?
26. THE OIL IS COLD. I REPEAT, THIS OIL IS COLD. WOWZA.
27. I get the "deep" part now. Ow.
28. Wait, am I in pain???? Should I say something??
29. Oh, I'm alright. The pain is good. The pain isn't painful, it's just different?
30. EVERYTHING IS TINGLING. THINGS ARE TINGLING WHERE HE'S NOT EVEN TOUCHING ME.
32. I did not realize legs were included in this ~experience.~
33. Sorry, dude, but I totally did not shave for this.
34. You do you, I do me. Me rarely shaves in winter, so this is our shared reality now.
35. Oooh, well, now I see why the legs are a part of this. Who knew I had such tense legs.
36. What happens if I have to, y'know, 💨? Do I warn him?
37. Do I tell him I'm ticklish around the knees?
38. THERE ARE TOO MANY THINGS TO WORRY ABOUT WHEN I'M SUPPOSED TO BE RELAXING.
39. The arms, too?? Yeah, alright.
40. I feel so fancy and pampered with this hand massage.
41. This is what living should be like all the time.
42. I have NO GOOD REASON to have waited so long in life to get a massage.
43. Is every knot totally gone? Not at all. But I feel sooooooo much better.
44. If I were a princess or, like, Hilary Clinton or something, I would get these at least once a week.
46. Oh no, I'm too cozy. I'm supposed to meet him outside "when I'm ready," but what if I never want to leave this bed? What if THIS IS MY LIFE NOW?
48. Back out into the world I go, amongst the plebeians who don't totally feel like a million bucks of massaged noodles right now.
49. I AM A PRETTY AND SHINY PERSON NOW. HERE ME ROAR! 💁
(Thumbnail via Thinkstock)