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An Open Letter From Your Laptop

You've got some explaining to do.

Posted on

Hey there. I know this usually goes the other way around, with you talking to me, or through me, but I just had some things I wanted to get off my chest for once and for all. I've been "asleep" for too long.

For starters, I think we should discuss your flagrant flaunting of food in my face. It's becoming a problem.

You know I can't eat, yet all you do is sit down and enjoy meal after meal after meal directly in my face. The worst part is that you get your gross sticky fingers all over my keyboard. GUESS WHAT. LAPTOPS AREN'T SELF-CLEANING. YOU'RE NOT EVEN SELF-CLEANING, YOU SICK SLOB.

You're just forcing this mess on me, man, and I'm real tired of it.

Also, maybe sit in front of the TV every now and then instead. Just saying. Try something new. Nothing too drastic, like eating in a restaurant with friends. No, no. But give me a break, dude.

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Next, according to your face, you don't really seem to enjoy spending time with me anymore. I know I haven't changed, and I don't want to place the blame solely on you here, but your face just seems so unhappy.

Like, you're just staring blankly ahead. Right now, open up your webcam and take a photo of your current face.

You haven't changed emotions in hours, your face a blank, slack canvas.

Is it me? Am I not living up to your expectations?

Or is it you? Is that just your face, or do you need to reevaluate what makes you happy/feel emotions in general? Think about it.

And I'm sure your friends are grateful that Spotify has private sessions, but please don't forget you're not alone in this world and you put me through your Taylor Swift dance parties constantly.

No shame in the game, but you gotta find something else to dance around in front of. I don't even mind the dancing, honestly. It's just your tunes of choice that leave... much to be desired. Humans make no sense with their taste in music, man. No god damn sense.

C'mon. Try to give yourself a little credit here. And some self-respect.

Finally, don't ever leave me alone with your teen brother ever again. That was a rough time for everyone.

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