Depression is a scary thing. Once it takes over you it can feel like nothing will ever get better and no amount of support or reassurance can cure your anxiousness. Sometimes it feels like sadness and guilt, sometimes it's just the feeling of nothing at all, a pit of numbness.
Getting through depression is exhausting; it requires literally all the energy that you already don't have. Pretty ironic, eh?
Sometimes, people just do not understand. While your friends and family try their best, it can be very hard for someone to wrap their mind around what is going on in yours. For some, your mental state is something you haven't discussed with anyone, so there isn't another living human to understand what you're going through.
When times are tough, music is something that has helped me persevere, be happy, hide, or just get through the day. Here are thirteen songs that I listened to, and still listen to, when I feel like the only thing I am is my mental illness.
1. Blue Skies by Noah & The Whale
When I found this one on Pandora, I felt like someone had read my mind and turned it into song lyrics for a great band to sing. I was also trying to deal with someone telling me "they didn't want a relationship" (way to validate my lack of self confidence, eh?) at the time, so this song was like a gift from the musical gods. It told me that while everything might feel like it's going to shit now, things will get better no matter what. The idea that things could get better was pretty hard for me to believe, but this song really gave me a reason to think about recovery.
2. Om Nashi Me by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros
So, this song has 16 words. Repeated over a lot of times. And it's pretty long. Don't, however, judge it by that stuff. This song was my pick me up, my boost, my reassurance. It may not mean a whole lot when you first listen but if you let the sounds sink into you it's so empowering and spiritually motivating. Besides, Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros is the best group to ever exist so...
3. The Big Machine by Mark Duplass
I found this one when watching the movie Safety Not Guaranteed (one of my favorites- 10/10 would recommend). This is the song that gave me a little bit of hope to keep going, to look forward to the little things, and that not everything has to be perfect to work.
4. The Scientist by Coldplay
Wow. This song is really powerful. It's moving. The music video made me cry. It's one of those songs. I included this one in the list because it's relatable. It's not a song that makes you happy or a song that makes you terribly sad, but it's one for those days when you can't get out of bed. For when all you can do is stare at the wall and not understand how little activity seems to be happening in your brain. It makes you want to return to the easier times, the times when you didn't have to give depression and anxiety a free ride. And while it isn't a cheerful song, it can still help somehow.
5. I'd Be Lying by Greg Laswell
This is the song that forced me to keep moving. Made me get out of bed and face whatever shit decided to enter my mind that day, even if I was completely and utterly terrified. It also helped me accept other peoples love and help. It can be really hard to let people in when you are dealing with something like depression because of the constant, overwhelming fear of being a burden. This song helped me open up and willingly take the support my friends and family were offering me, without feeling guilty.
6. The Mute by Radical Face
Again, another song that read my mind. With my depression, I felt like I couldn't tell anyone without being a disappointment and another stress in their already hectic lives. This song didn't cause any new realizations, help me overcome any challenges, or face any fears. This song just put into words what my mind was screaming.
7. Broken Chair by Chris and Thomas
This song made me just stop. With depression it can feel like everything is happening at once and you should probably be involved, but you can't. "Broken Chair" helped me realize that not doing everything is okay, and that "maybe it's time for taking it slow." It also helped me understand and come to terms with the fact that change was good, and that not everything, including my friends, would always stick around. I needed to learn to let go of who didn't care about me, and this song helped.
8. Best That I Can by Vance Joy
"I am trying the best that I can," is what I told myself when it felt that I wasn't getting better. It's what is said when I was in a rut and didn't think I could face anyone or anything. It's what I said when my friends didn't understand why I couldn't follow through with plans anymore. And it's what this song is saying. Thank you Vance Joy.
9. Carry On by Fun.
It's as the song title says. I had to carry on. I had to persevere. I had to make it through the crap happening in my brain, one step at a time. I felt "lost and alone," but I knew I had to carry on. This song just put into words my life mission.
10. Home by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros
Honestly, this is the song that made me write this post. This is my favorite song in the entire world. Not only do I know every single word (Jade? Alexander...), but this song carries so many special memories and experiences and just makes me remember that everything is going to be okay. It reminds me to breathe and to always keep going because of this things that make me happy and make me, well, me! "Home is wherever I'm with you..."
11. Love Like This by Kodaline
This is a happy song. This is the song I would listen to if I were ever to skip in a field of daises with my boyfriend (key word there: if). "Love Like This" helped me remember to stay present and feel fully. To not let the bumps put up walls, even though sometimes feeling fully feels fully shitty. I am a passionate, sensitive, and emotional person and when I feel something, I feel hard and I feel without thinking of consequence. This song reminded me to embrace this and that my sensitivity isn't a bad thing but something that makes me stronger.
12. Snaggletooth by Vance Joy
People ditching you can suck. Nevermind having depression and anxiety, people leaving you can tear open you heart and completely destroy any self confidence that you posses. This song helped me remember that I am who I am, and that is not a bad thing. That while I may never perfect, no one really is. That I am beautiful and I deserve people who tell me that everyday and believe it completely. This is the song that told me that when I thought no one else ever would. Again, thank you Vance Joy.
13. Better Days by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros
"Is Edward Sharpe your favorite group?"
"...No, what are you talking about...?"
Just kidding! If you can't tell by the fact that this is the third song by Edward Sharpe in this list, I love them! A lot! And for good reason! This song just told me to make it one more day. It told me that one horrible day is not the end of the world and that somewhere in the future existed hundreds of better days to look forward to.
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