5 Friends You Should Give The Ax

There are people in your life that you have given deep time and thought into honoring with the title of Friend. And then there are those who have slipped in under the radar and stayed ever since, like that 2-year old box of Stove Top Stuffing in the back of your kitchen cabinet. But it's time for some Spring Cleaning...

1. Jelly Jennifer

Jennifer’s really talented, her shoes are always great, and in a different world, you two really could have taken over the world together, IF she wasn’t so jelly (aka jealous). Do you notice that whenever you accomplish some life milestone, Jennifer just doesn’t seem genuinely happy for you? Like, when you first told her about your promotion, her eyes just widened and glazed over, her smile seemed a bit forced, and you could actually feel her anxiety levels rise? Or when you lost that extravagant amount of weight, was she the only one who pretended not to notice? You don’t need this chick. We’re too old to be competing with our friends. A true friend is genuinely happy for any positive-happening that occurs in your life. It’s that simple. There is no gray area here. And Jennifer would be, like, the worst bridesmaid ever (maybe put this in your break-up note with her?). GOODBYE.

2. Needy Nicole

Aw poor Nicole. She really is so dedicated to you. She loves you SO much. Seriously, Nicole is always there. I mean always. Because you're her world….literally. But have you started to feel like you're living your life and just taking her along for the ride? And do you consistently feel guilty for not doing enough for her? You're amazing, and that's great that she has figured that out. But if it's to the point that she wants to attach herself to you, leaving you no room to grow, and tumble, and change, then she's holding you back. Don't do charity. Be selfish. You deserve an equal, not someone who is this dependent.

3. Crazy Kaycee

Omg, I love Kaycee, she’s just sooo crazy, right? She takes you to all these weird underground raves, and introduces you to the wildest folks NYC has to offer, and always somehow manages to get someone else to pay. But Kaycee doesn’t really talk about her past, and you’re not really sure if she has a job, and her outfit always looks like it was stolen from someone else’s wardrobe. Thing is, Kaycee doesn’t have any long-term friends because she’s plowing through them like a tornado and then leaving them behind in the dust. And boo-boo, you’re no different. She’s going to get you to try Peyote and then steal your credit card and disappear with some guy named Leonardo. You need to snip snip this gal fast. Because, in all seriousness, life is going to start getting REAL. And guess what? Kaycee ain’t goin’ to be there. But you might get a text like this:

Dam im sooooo sry that sucks - but im in miami with L until the end of the mth. talk soon gurl -kC

4. Boring Betty

Congratulations. You’ve figured out how to evolve into a completely cool, down-to-earth, likable, motivated, vivacious human being who other people want to surround themselves with. And you know what? You’re probably pretty attractive as well. WHY are you still bothering with Betty? Maybe you’ve known her since you were a kid, maybe she’s a good filler for when your other friends are all busy, or maybe she walks your dog when you’re out of town. Whatever it is, you know that speaking with her is simply not fun. I mean, she’s FINE. Her hair, her conversation, her job, her overall demeanor is JUST FINE - but you’re more than just fine. Invest in someone more interesting.

5. Flakey Blakey

Let’s call a spade a spade: Blake’s a flake. We’re all busy. We all got shit that’s got to get done. And therefore we all have moments of flakiness. But since you’ve met Blake, she’s found it incredibly difficult to pick up a phone, answer a text message, or not last-minute cancel almost 90% of the time - and everyone just laughs and says, “Oh, that’s so Blake.” But why does she get an easy out? You should back off until she picks up her game. It’ll be good for her. Because once she does get a real job, something tells me her boss isn’t going to think it’s cute, endearing, or “so Blake” when she completely drops the ball.