1. When she had to decide between bad grammar or a life alone.
I used to love correcting people's grammar until I realized what I loved more was having friends.
2. When she explained just how much the times had changed.
"You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands." *Lights another cigarette*
3. When she wished she could be more honest.
Ever have someone tell you to have a nice day and you just want to be like "unfortunately it's a little late for that"
4. When true love passed her by, and an egg salad sandwich was to blame.
MISSED CONNECTION: You made eye contact with me as I dropped an eighth of my egg salad sandwich onto the L train platform
5. When she made people think twice before trolling.
The people who write mean stuff on my public Facebook page under their real names never seem to have any favorite books
6. When she laid down the brutal truth about adulthood.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That's what adulthood's like.
7. When she came face to face with a baby, and nothing else mattered.
I MET A BABY TODAY
8. When she gave this perfect response to friendly advice.
FRIENDS: Maybe men just find you intimidating. ME: As they should.
9. When she pretty much summed up the difference between a dog person and a cat person.
"Dogs are assholes" DOG PERSON: YOU'RE an asshole! "Cats are assholes" CAT PERSON: Yeah
10. When she created the best way to deal with internet haters.
If you're a woman on the internet, make a Bingo card out of the shit they call you. Do something really nice for yourself at five in a row.
11. When she knew exactly how to maintain personal space in public...
Keep people from getting too close to you on public transit by carrying a giant egg salad sandwich on you at all times
12. ...and how to clear a path.
I don't care if they're out of style, I love wearing fishnets because when I walk down the street people get out of my way
13. When she put forward a good argument in favour of modern technology.
"Ugh, put away your phone for once" *Stops reading about current events and talking to beloved far away family members* "OK"
14. When she coined a new term that all carb lovers can relate to.
I don't think I have a sweet tooth so much as a carb tooth
15. When she turned a perplexing situation into an advantageous one.
People who don't eat the pizza crust: 1. Why do you do that 2. Can I have it
16. When she professed herself a Potterhead at heart.
Ugh, Astrology is such BS! Anyway, which Hogwarts House are you in
17. When she made us wish a Matilda/Hermione crossover existed in our universe.
HA. "Matilda is the story of Hermione if she'd been raised by the Dursleys." I can see it.
18. When she had a simple solution for all your relationship woes.
Going for "bad boys" is bullshit. You won't change him. Want someone who ignores you and is alternately loving and rude to you? Get a cat.
19. When there was no debating this valid point.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
20. When she knew exactly how to shut down an awful ex.
I think a good thing to say to a bad ex is "I've had more fulfilling, meaningful relationships with a Goldfish cracker I dropped in my bra."
21. When her depiction of politics made complete sense.
America and France are bitter exes who fight all the time but would probably still have sex if given the chance
22. When the presidential election had her working those arm muscles.
My use of the jerk-off hand motion has gone up 5000% since the start of election coverage
23. When Matilda seemed to follow her wherever she went.
Brb getting "I have nothing to do with the musical Matilda" tattooed on my forehead
Mara, you're hilarious. Please keep 'em coming! 🙏🏼
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