A Single’s Guide To Valentine’s Day: The Anti-Poem
By RU Student Life storyteller Zahra Khozema.
Ahh, it's that time of year,
When the fact that you're still single
Couldn't be any more clear.
And when dying alone,
Becomes a hideously
Haunting, daunting fear.
Who said poems were only for
Those in love?
I say we reclaim an art
Intended for originally free doves.
For worry not my fellow singles,
I'll guide this night
By giving you advice, on
Winning all the third wheeling fights.
I tell you this, and you must understand,
Avoid all places that the conjoined pairs hang.
This is hard with romantic spots around,
Like Lake Devo, bang centre of campus.
(Just carry on muttering "please, go get a mattress.")
There are these violent flashes,
They call them the "couple selfie,"
These could definitely make you vomit,
If your stomach isn't healthy.
When she tries to snap a click,
Closing her eyes to kiss her man,
Be sure to quickly carry out your
Evil-genius photo bombing plan.
Now, why feel sorry and wear old sweats?
I say berry red those lips and
Slay with the little black dress.
All that swag,
Will probably leave you hungry,
So bulk up on some chocolate,
Which, let's be honest,
Won't last the weekend.
If you're that brave soul,
Who goes to the 50 Shades premiere alone,
At every sex scene,
Make sure you moan and groan.
Now read closely for what I'm about to say:
Take up two seats on the TTC this day.
Trust me, you don't wanna be a bone in the kebob,
It's 100x better than wasting your money on a cab.
If that grade 8 stalker
Finds the guts to buy you a bear,
Hang it with floss,
And deprive it of air.
Just promise to not text an ex,
What happened was fate
Gather all your girls
And go on a giant group date.
And if all this rhyme
Doesn't shiver thy timbers,
Come find me,
I too will be on tinder.
How are you spending Valentine's Day? Staying single or choosing to mingle? Tweet us @RUStudentlife and #RUinLove!