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39 Things Newly Single People Say And What They Actually Mean

We've all been there.

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1. "I finally have the whole bed to myself." – I've forgotten how to fall asleep alone and it sucks.

2. "So ready to move on, let's do this!" – I'm totally not ready to move on, but what choice do I have?

3. "The bad times are over, and the good times are just getting started!" – I've wasted my youth.

4. "What do single people do on Saturday night?" – I'm single and ready to mingle.

5. "Someone else can have my leftovers." – I will lose my SHIT if my ex gets into a new relationship before I do.

6. "A toast to new beginnings!" – I need to change my Twitter and Facebook passwords.

7. "The only way to get over someone is to get under someone else." – I'm gonna have sex with LOTS of undeserving strangers.

8. "I need to love myself before I can love anyone else." – I'm getting fat and no one out there likes me.

9. "I'm going to focus more on my career." – I wonder who I can date at work?

10. "I only need friends and family in this world." – My cat and I have Netflix plans.

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11. "I'm ready to take on the world, nothing can hold me back now." – My thirst is real.

12. "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." – I can't wait until bad karma bites my ex in the ass.

13. "We're gonna stay friends." – I will never see that person ever again.

14. "I'm probably gonna stay single, like, forever." – I need someone to save me from online dating.

15. "On to the next one!" – I require superficial validation and acceptance, NOW.

16. "I'm an adult, I'm practically over it." – I'm an immature child who's still crying inside.

17. "I wish we met at a different time." – I wish I had my shit together before we broke up.

18. "I'm loving this single lifestyle!" – I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want.

19. "I am SO over him/ her." – WTF, why can't I stop thinking about them??

20. "They were so ugly, why did I even date them?" – They were so cute, and now someone else gets to touch their perfect face.

21. "I'm better off without them." – I'm hopelessly lost.

22. "I have so much more free time to myself." – I'm probably gonna lie around in my underwear and do nothing for awhile.

23. "I don't want to rush into a new relationship." – I'm way too emotionally disturbed to be dumped again.

24. "We're done for good this time." – I've updated my Facebook status, profile picture, and deleted them from all my old photo albums.

25. "If it was meant to be, we will find our way back together." – They are NOT getting any of their old shit back.

26. "I'll never look for a boyfriend/ girlfriend again." – Give me, like, a week and I'll be on Tinder.

27. "I'm mature enough to handle this break-up on my own." – My best friend is coming over in 20 minutes with DVDs and ice cream.

28. "I can't wait to get back out there." – I've got a long list of people I've been meaning to bang.

29. "It's time to live my life to the fullest!" – I'm gonna make some cats VERY happy.

30. "I never want to speak to them again." – It would be really great if they called right now.

31. "I'm gonna treat myself." – I'm burning everything they ever gave me.

32. "I want to fall back in love with life." – Where's the whiskey?

33. "I have nothing left to say about it." – I'm currently working on a handwritten 30-page manifesto about how they ruined my life forever.

34. "I'll know things will be better the second time around." – It's still gonna suck, but might hurt a little less.

35. "I haven't met the right one yet." – I'm getting too old for this shit.

36. "It just wasn't working out." – I've abandoned all hope for the future.

37. "Next time around, I'm not gonna settle." – I was settled, dammit!

38. "This was my choice." – This was their choice, FML.

39. "I have everything I need to truly be happy." – I have 10 jars of Nutella and a gallon of caramel fudge in the refrigerator.

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