1. "I finally have the whole bed to myself." – I've forgotten how to fall asleep alone and it sucks.
2. "So ready to move on, let's do this!" – I'm totally not ready to move on, but what choice do I have?
3. "The bad times are over, and the good times are just getting started!" – I've wasted my youth.
4. "What do single people do on Saturday night?" – I'm single and ready to mingle.
5. "Someone else can have my leftovers." – I will lose my SHIT if my ex gets into a new relationship before I do.
6. "A toast to new beginnings!" – I need to change my Twitter and Facebook passwords.
7. "The only way to get over someone is to get under someone else." – I'm gonna have sex with LOTS of undeserving strangers.
8. "I need to love myself before I can love anyone else." – I'm getting fat and no one out there likes me.
9. "I'm going to focus more on my career." – I wonder who I can date at work?
10. "I only need friends and family in this world." – My cat and I have Netflix plans.
11. "I'm ready to take on the world, nothing can hold me back now." – My thirst is real.
12. "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." – I can't wait until bad karma bites my ex in the ass.
13. "We're gonna stay friends." – I will never see that person ever again.
14. "I'm probably gonna stay single, like, forever." – I need someone to save me from online dating.
15. "On to the next one!" – I require superficial validation and acceptance, NOW.
16. "I'm an adult, I'm practically over it." – I'm an immature child who's still crying inside.
17. "I wish we met at a different time." – I wish I had my shit together before we broke up.
18. "I'm loving this single lifestyle!" – I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want.
19. "I am SO over him/ her." – WTF, why can't I stop thinking about them??
20. "They were so ugly, why did I even date them?" – They were so cute, and now someone else gets to touch their perfect face.
21. "I'm better off without them." – I'm hopelessly lost.
22. "I have so much more free time to myself." – I'm probably gonna lie around in my underwear and do nothing for awhile.
23. "I don't want to rush into a new relationship." – I'm way too emotionally disturbed to be dumped again.
24. "We're done for good this time." – I've updated my Facebook status, profile picture, and deleted them from all my old photo albums.
25. "If it was meant to be, we will find our way back together." – They are NOT getting any of their old shit back.
26. "I'll never look for a boyfriend/ girlfriend again." – Give me, like, a week and I'll be on Tinder.
27. "I'm mature enough to handle this break-up on my own." – My best friend is coming over in 20 minutes with DVDs and ice cream.
28. "I can't wait to get back out there." – I've got a long list of people I've been meaning to bang.
29. "It's time to live my life to the fullest!" – I'm gonna make some cats VERY happy.
30. "I never want to speak to them again." – It would be really great if they called right now.
31. "I'm gonna treat myself." – I'm burning everything they ever gave me.
32. "I want to fall back in love with life." – Where's the whiskey?
33. "I have nothing left to say about it." – I'm currently working on a handwritten 30-page manifesto about how they ruined my life forever.
34. "I'll know things will be better the second time around." – It's still gonna suck, but might hurt a little less.
35. "I haven't met the right one yet." – I'm getting too old for this shit.
36. "It just wasn't working out." – I've abandoned all hope for the future.
37. "Next time around, I'm not gonna settle." – I was settled, dammit!
38. "This was my choice." – This was their choice, FML.
39. "I have everything I need to truly be happy." – I have 10 jars of Nutella and a gallon of caramel fudge in the refrigerator.