People Are Sharing The "Cooking Crimes" They've Seen Their Family Members Commit, And Some Of Them Have Me Concerned For Humanity
"My brother has a *very* specific way of cooking frozen pizzas..."
I'd like to go out on a limb and say the following: We're all guilty of cooking fails every now and then, no matter how skilled or inexperienced we are in the kitchen. TBH, you've never lived until you've checked "experience minor cooking-related fire" off your bucket list.
But then...there are these people.
Recently, Reddit user u/YukiHase shared with the world that their mother threw a 1-pound chunk of ground beef, totally raw, into the toaster oven. First of all...I have questions.
This prompted other Reddit users to share the "cooking crimes" they've witnessed, and I'm severely horrified/annoyed/disgusted/appalled. Here are the wildest ones.
1. "My old roommate used to (and still does, I think) take a non-stick pan and put it on the stove with the burner up to the highest setting. Then, while the pan was still stone cold, she would throw in a rock-solid frozen turkey burger patty. When it would inevitably blacken on the outside, she would then take a kitchen knife to the patty while it was in the nonstick pan and would cut the still frozen patty in half, leaving saw marks in my pans."
"The worst part? To this day, she still claims to be an amazing cook."
2. "My mother microwaves salad."
"Not a meat salad or egg salad or other salad. Salad made up of plants. In the microwave. For 60 seconds."
3. "I don't know if it's a generational thing, but my parents just simply cannot comprehend that some people want to eat beef that isn't well done and the texture of a shoe. If you show them a medium-rare or even medium steak, they will look at you like you're a crazy person for eating it. They refuse to even try it — they act like you're serving them garbage."
4. "My boyfriend confessed he 'never looks at the temperature dial on the oven' — he just flicks it on because he claims that 'temperature doesn’t actually change much.'"
"He thought it was normal that sometimes pizza takes 40 minutes and other times it takes 20."
5. "My mom is a terrible cook. My grandparents were visiting, so she attempted to make stuffed grape leaves — since we're Turkish, it's a must-have when guests are coming. She couldn’t figure out how to get the grape leaves to stick together after wrapping. (You just dip the edge of each leaf in water, and it sticks together.)"
6. "My significant other's parents will make a pot of fish stew and just leave it in the pot on the counter for DAYS after cooking it. They say it's fine because they 'put a little bit of vinegar in it.'"
7. "My grandma was never known for being a good cook. One day, my parents and I were heading over to help her with some housework, and she promised to feed us. Meatloaf was on the menu that day... Not my favorite, but, whatever! Food is food."
"What I didn’t know was that my grandma had become obsessed with the cooking competition show Chopped, and decided to play it herself, alone, at home that evening. She made a meatloaf, as promised... But hidden inside was a whole kielbasa. It was one of the most disgusting things I ever ate."
8. "My mother-in-law likes to put uncooked spaghetti and unseasoned chicken breasts into a casserole dish, top it with barbecue sauce, and bake it until the chicken is completely dried out. The spaghetti always gets stuck to the bottom of the dish."
"She thinks ice-glazed chicken means it’s already seasoned."
9. "My sister is well into her 30s and doesn't cook. I once witnessed her trying to cook soup in the microwave...in a thermos. It caught on fire."
"When I told her to NEVER put a thermos in the microwave, she said, 'But I do it all the time!!'"
11. "The in-laws would make a huge casserole and keep it in the oven for storage until they finished it...sometimes up to 3 or 4 *days*. They would reheat the whole thing, eat a bit, let it cool down in the oven, then leave it there at room temperature."
"Curiously, I was never hungry at their house."
12. "My mother-in-law's burrito recipe: room-temperature flour tortilla, boiled hot dog, canned black olives, and shredded carrots."
13. "My brother making pasta: Pours jarred sauce into frying pan. Adds bread crumbs to thicken it up. Proceeds to un-thicken by adding water to jar and pours some of it into the fucking frying pan. Then lets the sauce bubble off, evaporating the water he poured in."
"Like...fucking choose how you want your damn sauce."
14. "Grandma insists food should be colorful. One Thanksgiving, this meant putting prunes in the meatloaf. The 'colorful' meatloaf was cooked in a broken oven that could barely reach 100 degrees. Grandma thought cooking longer would make up for the low heat. The main course was uncooked meatloaf...with prune."
15. "My brother made ramen. He put it in the microwave, in a bowl, for five minutes...not realizing it NEEDED WATER. The ramen was black charcoal, smoke filled the house, and the inside of the microwave was brown. He put the ramen briquette into the dumpster where it LIT ITSELF ON FIRE. I stomped it out, and it melted into the sole of my shoe..."
"...the microwave was not salvageable."
16. "My husband makes spaghetti, sauces it, and sets it aside. He then spreads peanut butter on two pieces of toast, ladles a generous amount of the spaghetti onto one piece of the peanut butter toast, and uses the second slice to make a PB&Spaghetti sandwich."
"He is also known for pouring maple syrup on white rice. Not sure which of these crimes is worst."
17. "My grandmother never learned to cook. One day, she cooked chicken breast that had 'marinated' in only distilled white vinegar. Absolutely inedible."
"I called my mother-in-law begging for help. She recommended soy sauce. Apparently it hides many sins... It did not hide that particular sin, however."
18. "I went to a friend's house for dinner and got there just as she dumped two boxes of fettuccine into a pot of boiling water. We chatted for 45 minutes, and every now and then she walked over to give it a stir. I don't know exactly what she was looking for, but she kept waking away from it like it needed more...time?! When she felt it was done, she drained it, put it in a big bowl, dumped two jars of vodka sauce on top, and served it, unfortunately. Then (as an afterthought!) she went to the fridge and pulled out an uncovered bowl of pre-grated parmesan, pinched her fingers into it, and sprinkled it on her plate."
"After that, she passed the bowl to me to do the same. It was a rough meal."
19. "It's going to be 100 degrees tomorrow, and my husband is going to slow-cook a brisket in the oven all day at 325 degrees."
20. "My grandmother is not only a terrible cook, but a dangerous one. She got a recipe for Crock-Pot chili from a friend and made a huge batch for the week. It was just me, her, my grandfather, and my little sister."
"On the first day, it was surprisingly good! On the second day, it was a little off...but not terrible. On the third day, it was foul, nasty gloop. She complained that I was a 'horrible ungrateful child,' so I choked it down and spent the night painfully puking. On the fourth day, the dreaded chili was, once again, dinner...but now it had changed. It was visibly and audibly foaming, like cheap beer that had been shaken. I asked if it had gone bad, and my grandmother vehemently denied it — 'it had been in the Crock-Pot the whole time, so it had to be fine.'
The meat slurry was beyond rotten — it had fermented. My grandfather ordered a pizza. My grandmother went to her room to sulk. The three of us had pizza in silence, having narrowly escaped death by chili."
21. "Years ago, back when we were dating, my wife thought she would be helpful and do the dishes. Cool! She threw everything into the dishwasher — including the 14" cast iron pan. She's still serving her sentence."
22. "Once, for a holiday, a guy I was stationed with was going to cook a ham in a Crock-Pot. He had no idea what he was doing. He was told by our boss to use 'juices' and 'stuff' to give it flavor. Well...we didn't have any of that. He ended up using Sunny D and milk. It was the most traumatic food experience of my life."
23. "My aunt baked a chocolate cake for my brother's 12th birthday. The recipe said to use one cup of coffee…so she used one cup of ground espresso beans instead of brewed coffee."
"The birthday party was going well beyond bedtime."
24. "My stepdad dumped a can of baked beans on a whole raw chicken and baked it in the oven. It looked like it was covered in tumors."
25. "My grandma once made her 'famous' potato salad for my uncle. She likes to add milk to her potato salad until it’s a kind of soupy consistency. Well, my uncle ended up not being able to visit like he had planned, so my grandma decided she’d mail it to him. Mail it — using USPS — in the SUMMER."
"It took two days to get to him. 🤮"
26. "My mother-in-law made a fresh pico salsa…right after chopping raw chicken on the same cutting board...and with the same knife."
27. "My ex’s mom grilled steaks still in the package."
"She claims she 'forgot to take it out,' but I think she was clueless. She didn’t know how to cook anything. Once, she used bug spray instead of cooking spray, and they had to call poison control. (I’m serious.)"
28. "My partner was super into ramen, and he made this beautiful stock with a bunch of hard-to-get ingredients. It took almost all day. Apparently, his grandmother was trying to be 'helpful' when he left to use the restroom, and she dumped the stock down the drain. Needless to say, he was pretty upset. He took a bike ride for a little while."
29. "It's my first day of school, and my mom wants to make me breakfast. I arrive at the table, and she made soft-boiled eggs — my favorite! I crack the egg, and it’s RAW. Not even slightly cooked. I asked her what happened. Her response, I kid you not: 'Well, the water started doing this thing where it was splashing and sploshing out of the pot. I got scared and turned it off!'"
"Me: You mean it was boiling?
Her: Yeah, but this was a really wild kind of splashing — not normal.
Me: Did you try to turn it down just a little?
Her: No. I got scared and I took it out. Figured it’s boiled enough. 🤦🏻♀️"
30. "My brother's professor tried an avocado for the first time...by BOILING it."
"From what I recall of the conversation with my brother, he didn't understand why everyone liked avocados. I wonder why."
31. "I watched my father-in-law put a chunk of raw beef and raw rice together in a bowl, which he then threw into the microwave for five minutes. His reasoning? 'The juices from the meat will cook the rice.'"
"The whole thing caught on fire, and it all smelled awful. Goddamn terrible."
32. "My friend's mom has the most beautiful custom kitchen. She cooks ground beef in the microwave. Literally, *beef* in a plastic colander."
33. "One time, I made a really nice slow-braised beef brisket in a coconut curry sauce. I put it away in the refrigerator, and when I got to it the next day, all of the sauce was gone."
"I asked my wife what happened. She had dumped all the sauce, because she thought it was just grease that cooked out of the brisket. I'm not sure who was sadder: me or the curry-free brisket."
34. "To this day, there's a joke between my sister and me that the best meal our mom ever made was when she boiled the frozen pizza by accident."
35. "I do a mean slow-cooked pulled pork in the smoker. After it’s out of the smoker, if my wife gets to the pork shoulder before I do, she’ll spend half an hour extracting every speck of fat — until the only thing left is the 'healthy' part."
"I tell her she’s going to be at risk for vitamin A, D, E, and K deficiency."
37. "My brother has a very specific way of cooking frozen pizzas."
"First, he heats the oven. Then, he takes the pizza out of the box and flips it over. He greases the whole thing up with butter, flips it back over, and adds probably four additional ounces of cheese. Cook until nearly done, then add more cheese.
He eats the whole thing himself — and this is a multiple-times-a-week occurrence. He's stone-cold sober and 27. Any time I go back home to see the family, my heart dies a little. Not as quickly as his is, but pretty close."
38. "One time, my mom served raw polenta as an appetizer with crackers. She thought it was a cheese log."
39. "Once, my mother threw a quartered chicken into a slow cooker for a few hours. When she decided to feed it to us for dinner, the bones were gelatinous."
"The cartilage bits were a texture I cannot fully explain and have no interest in experiencing again in my lifetime."
40. "My mother-in-law was over and wanted a cocktail. She went over to the liquor cabinet and poured something, then came into the kitchen and poured in some Coke. Seconds later, I hear a scream, a spit, and something getting thrown in the sink. (She didn't like the drink, apparently.) After questioning what happened, I found out that she didn't use the all-purpose Jack Daniels that was front and center..."
"...she used the Johnnie Walker Blue Label that was tucked far away in the back. She'll be up for parole in 2032."
Have you witnessed any maddening or hysterical (or...dangerous?!) "cooking crimes" that the world NEEDS to know about? LMK in the comments.
Note: Some responses have been edited for clarity.