I Ranked Every Single Way There Is To Eat Potatoes, And I Reallyyy Want To Know If You Agree With Me

This could get heated.

Oprah is to bread as I am to potatoes. I. LOVE. POTATOES. Maybe not as much as this professor (who literally taught his entire class as a potato) but still — love 'em, I do.

@shmoneymeils

Reply to @chillyhang Po got back to me with the zoom recording of the full review session 😚🥔 @ryantball #accountant @#umich #potato #college

♬ original sound - Amelia Maraeh

Here's the problem: though I'd describe the potato as (generally) a perfect vegetable, they tend to get a bad rap because they can be/are often impossibly boring. Painfully so, even. So what we have here is my definitive ranking of every way I could possibly think up to consume potatoes, and I'm genuinely curious to see if you'll agree with me.

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36. Home Fries

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Diners that serve these soggy cubes instead of actual hash browns (see below) have lost my trust forever.

35. Smashed Potatoes

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The horror of biting into a bowl of smooth, creamy mashed potatoes only to find yourself CHOMPING ON POTATO SKINS? Absolutely sick. Peel your potatoes before mashing them, people.

34. Twice-Baked Potatoes

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These are a NO FROM ME, but TBH, unsure if it's because I actually dislike them, or if it's because my uncle made them one time when I was growing up and used FRENCH VANILLA COFFEE-MATE INSTEAD OF CREAM.

33. 15-Hour Potatoes

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While I'd normally jump at any opportunity to eat potatoes that look like this, there is literally no way I will be spending *15 hours of my life* making these crispy spuds that many folks have described as "glorified tater tots."

32. Potato Salad

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I've had some good potato salads, but mostly, I've had some really, reaaaaally not great ones. Catch me FAR away from this gloopy bowl of mayo at your summer BBQ. I'm not sorry about it.

31. Hasselback Potatoes

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Why, WHY do we people love these so much? I understand that they're like...crispy potato chip/baked potato hybrids or whatever, but this is just...too much slicing, even for someone who loves to cook more than anything.

30. Baked Potatoes

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Each night, just before bedtime, I look at pictures of baked potatoes...because they're SO BORING they put me to sleep every time.

29. Potato Wedges

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These are french fries that got left behind, and I will not be swayed from that opinion!!

28. Volcano Potatoes

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I understand the desire to make your dinner resemble an elementary school science project, but...actually, no, I don't. These are just potato skins in a different, weirder form — which we will absolutely be getting to later.

27. Colcannon

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No shade to the Irish — this is a traditional Irish recipe, after all — but I'm struggling to understand how the addition of *cabbage* could make mashed potatoes...better?

26. Roasted Potatoes

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I meaaaaan... I'll never say no, but unless you're wow-ing me with a batch of really crispy roasted potatoes, these will never be my first choice. And when I say "crispy," let me be clear: when I take a bite of roasted potatoes, I want the volume of the crunch to make my eardrums bleed, thankyouverymuch.

25. Baked Potato Soup

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It's giving...baby food, but make it marginally tasty.

24. French Fries

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OK, before anyone comes for me as a result of this hot take, let me assure you  there are (hint) ~better formats of french fries~ coming at you shortly, so just stick with me. And unfortunately, due to qualities of french fries in general varying quite significantly, I can't in good conscience put this one towards the top. Please don't write mean things about me in the comments.

23. Potato Skins

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Potato skins never fail to conjure up images of less-than-stellar chain restaurants for me, but honestly, when done right, these are pretty good! As long as the skin itself is crispy AF, I'd happily devour a plate of these. Serve me a soggy potato skin, however, and I will spit it out into the nearest trash can or napkin.

22. Mashed Potatoes

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"I've never met a ____ I didn't like" is a distinction I'll give to many kinds of foods, but mashed potatoes aren't one of them. In fact, I have met many mashed potatoes that I really DO NOT like. If I could guarantee that any mashed potato I consumed would be a creamy, silky masterpiece, this would easily be at the top of the list, but that's simply not the case.

(And for the love of god, please stop using a food processor to make mashed potatoes. You'll add excess starch to the potatoes, they will become glue, and I will be very sad.)

21. Potatoes Au Gratin

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These fall into the category of "definitely delicious, but FAR too much work for what you're rewarded with." If you're looking for a stupidly-cheesy, gooey, oven-baked potato dish, you have better options coming your way.

20. German Potato Salad

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I said what I said about regular potato salad, and I won't be accepting any criticism at this time, but I would happily eat a German potato salad any day of the week. Just make sure it's mustardy, loaded with bacon, and that those potatoes are creamy AF.

19. Potato Chips

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I'm just gonna say it. I don't love a Lay's. But I will eat any/every kettle-cooked potato chip that crosses my path with absolute bliss.

18. Mashed Potato Waffle

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If you've never done this, I HIGHLY recommend. Waffle irons are good for just about everything, and pressing leftover mashed potatoes into a delightfully crisp, golden-brown waffle (that you should definitely pile high with freshly-fried crunchy chicken, please) is no exception.

17. Fondant Potatoes

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Remember when I eviscerated the 15-hour potato a little while back? These fall into a similar category of "takes a little more time," but OMG THESE ARE SO WORTH IT. Fondant potatoes are a classic French dish, and this method ensures your potatoes will be delightfully browned on the outside with a velvety-smooth interior — so velvety, in fact, that these are commonly referred to as "melting potatoes."

16. Roasted & Smashed Potatoes

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Smashed potatoes (read: mashed potatoes with skins) = bad. Roasted potatoes = boring. BUT, roast your baby potatoes, smash them with the back of a drinking glass, and continue to roast them until they're perfectly crispy with golden-brown nooks and crannies everywhere?! A must.

15. McDonald's Hash Browns

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Yes, these get their own spot in this lineup, and if you've ever tasted one, you know why. I would down these bad boys until I can no longer move. The only reason they're not higher up? Sometimes they can be a liiiiiiiiiiittle oily for my taste. But still, unreal. I ❤️  you anyway, McDonald's hash browns.

14. Tornado Potatoes

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DIY tornado potato recipes are alllllll over the internet these days, but did you know these absolutely mouthwatering potatoes-on-a-stick are actually a super popular South Korean street food? You can make these at home in your oven...but IMO, deep-frying these is the way to go.

13. Potato Croquettes

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These actual pillows of deep-fried heaven — also known as crocchette di patate — are served all over Italy. Which means I, a lover of anything involving potatoes being deep-fried, will be traveling there ASAP to taste every potato croquette I can get my greasy lil' fingers on.

12. Funeral Potatoes

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Frankly, I could write a book on my love of this potatoey casserole that's incredibly popular in the Midwest. I grew up on the East Coast and went to college in the Midwest, so let me tell you: when someone brought "funeral potatoes" to a potluck one time, I was simultaneously so confused and intrigued...and thus began my love affair with this ultra-cheesy and ridiculously satisfying casserole. Peak comfort food.

11. Pommes Aligot

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Reminder that the French just do it so, so right. These are essentially mashed potatoes mixed with SO MUCH CHEESE that when you mix it all up, you'll get cheese pulls rivaled only by the most molten of mozzarella sticks. Am I...aroused? (Yes. Yes, I am.)

10. Scalloped Potatoes

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GIMME GIMME GIMME. You might be asking yourself, "how are these different from potatoes au gratin?" Well they are SO much different and I will literally die on this hill. While potatoes au gratin involve some very precise layering of cheeses and sauces (and razor-thin potatoes), scalloped potatoes are as easy as slicing some spuds, whipping up a quick and easy cream sauce, and baking everything until it's totally irresistible. These are just as good as potatoes au gratin, but way easier.

9. Gnocchi

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Gnocchi are basically a perfect food. Most regions in Italy have their own variations of gnocchi (with a variety of fillings, like spinach, or even ricotta) but I think a freshly-made batch of pillowy potato gnocchi is the ultimate. Also, let's not underestimate the wonders of pre-packaged gnocchi, either. Pop some on a sheet pan for a creamy-crispy dinner that you can make with basically zero effort.

8. Potato Bread

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You could sandwich essentially anything between two slices of fluffy potato bread, and I would probably eat it. In fact, I'd most definitely eat it. Store-bought potato bread (or rolls) are A+, but making potato bread at home is easier than you might think — all you'll need is a loaf pan, some leftover mashed potatoes, and the standard ingredients for an enriched bread (think yeast, flour, butter, and milk).

7. Tater Tots

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I'm a big fan of foods that can be made super delicious straight out of the freezer, so it's no surprise that tater tots earn a top spot here. IDK, maybe it's just me, but while freezer-fries can be totally hit or miss, freezer-tots absolutely slap. Every. Single. Time.

6. Patatas Bravas

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Spain — you're forever in my ❤️  for this one. Literally love u so much. It's hard to describe the absolute perfection that is this classic Spanish dish, but if I had to try...think: the most scrumptious fried potatoes you could ever imagine, drizzled in salsa brava — a piquant, peppery sauce that is totally in my top three condiments ever, period.

5. Latkes

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Every family has their own spin on these crispy discs of potato perfection that are basically synonymous with Hanukkah, but spoiler alert: they are ALL DELICIOUS. I don't care if your latkes are razor-thin and crunchy like a cracker, or thicc AF with a luxuriously creamy interior, I'll take 'em all. (And can we please start eating these all-year-round? For the record, I would very much support the consumption of latkes every day!!!)

4. Waffle Fries

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I'm no food scientist, but I know this much: as far as food goes, surface area is the true MVP. What I mean by this is, the more surface area a given food has, the more it'll crisp up (or hold sauce). Waffle fries are the PERFECT example of this, for being as crunchy as possible and holding the optimal amount of your favorite dipping sauce in each lil' crinkle.

3. Hash Browns

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If the hash browns you make are crunchy enough that I could crack my literal tooth on it, I honestly want to try them. Immediately. I'll foot the dental bill, I simply DO NOT CARE, just serve me a plate of this golden deliciousness with a runny egg and I will be in absolute heaven.

2. Poutine

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Oh, Canada. You're my absolute favorite country for creating this stupidly-comforting dish that I would say, hands down, is the greatest way to eat a french fry. Whoever decided that french fries + gravy + melty cheese curds were a thing to eat all at once deserves a damn Nobel Peace Prize and I won't rest until this honor is bestowed upon them.

And folks, you made it to the end. The ✨number one✨ way to eat a potato IS...

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1. Curly Fries

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For being inarguably SO FUN TO EAT (for kids and adults) and tasting like absolute perfection no matter who's preparing them, curly fries take the top prize here. I love every single thing about curly fries — from the smoky deliciousness of that unbeatable seasoning mix to the pure JOY of eating the tiny, crispy bits and the OMG-is-this-an-entire-potato pieces. Everyone loooooves their "Everything But The Bagel" spice mix, but Trader Joe's, y'all need to start selling "Everything But The Curly Fry." I would buy it in bulk.

(If TJ's is reading this, DM me, I wanna chat.)

Calling all my potato people — do you agree with me? Do you disagree with me? Do you...entirely hate me? IDC, lemme know how you feel in the comments, and happy potato-eating.

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