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27 Things You Only Knew If You Spent Your Childhood In The Countryside

Call me "bumpkin" one more time, my lover.

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1. City kids had prom to mark the end of their childhood. You had the Young Farmers’ Ball.

2. You have played a game called “Sticks”. It involved sticks.

3. You have a favourite sort of derby. It is a donkey derby.

4. Haystack lols.

5. You have been to at least two county fairs.

6. You have run some sort of cake or dog competition at a county fair.

7. Any occasion when you went blackberrying and ended up with more blackberries in your basket than in your stomach was a source of family pride.

8. Also, you judge people for calling brambles "blackberry bushes".

9. Your back door was permanently buried under a pile of muddy wellington boots.

10. Your first alcoholic drink was Scrumpy Jack. You probably had it before you were 12.

11. Going to the nearest town involved dressing up.

12. You have taken your dog to the pub.

13. You know how to feed ducks, chickens and lambs.

14. You have "mucked out" before.

15. You are a pro at identifying dock leaves and applying them to nettle stings.

16. You have been bored one summer’s day and raced snails on your garden path.

17. You can identify at least three types of bird call.

18. You have a deeply ingrained opinion about foxhunting.

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19. And townies.

20. And wax jackets.

21. You have played Pooh-sticks.

22. And scrumped for apples.

23. You genuinely can't understand city kids who find forests "creepy".

24. You can shimmy up a tree like a monkey.

25. You can thread conkers one-handed and roast chestnuts with the other.

26. Any day that ended with you covered in mud and dirt was a good day.

27. And you still engage in casual racism about people from the neighbouring counties from your own.