1.
GF: I'm sick of you pretending you're a detective. We should split up ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
2.
me at hotel: *pushing all the continental breakfast tables together* hotel security: miss why are you- me: PANGEA BREAKFAST
3.
I think it's from one of the Henry's
4.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
5.
What's made of brass, and, sounds like Tom Jones?Trombones.
6.
There's a special place in Hull reserved for the inventor of autocorrect.
7.
... although it SOUNDED like he lived in Flat No. 70.
8.
Sir Mix-a-lot likes big butts and cannot lie. His twin brother does not like big butts and cannot tell the truth. You may ask one question.
9.
Do YOU appear in the form of water droplets? Are YOU found on grass and windows in the morning? If so you MAY be dew condensation.
10.
Just bumped into my old French teacher and she asked me what I'm up to now. I told her I go to the cinema and play football with my brother.
11.
"Anybody here named Jeff?" Jeff: "Yes" Geoff: "Yeos"
12.
This is the funniest joke I've seen in years and nothing will ever top this
13.
Can't believe there are so many songs about love and only one where someone welcomes someone else to a jungle.
14.
Q: What's Whitney Houston's favorite kind of coordination? A: HAAAND EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYE
15.
"Babe can you move over?" "But I don't have mushroom"
16.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
17.
“Um.” - 1st horse that got ridden
18.
FAKE BREEDS I'VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
19.
Ed Sheeran's 10th studio album
20.
"I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle" he moped
21.
I like my tea how I like my men
22.
![[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
"Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."](https://pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/795805443163451393/1F9C2E4G_normal.jpg)
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye] "Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."
23.
the miracle of birth is BEAUTIFUL if you think this is "gross" or "disturbing" the unfollow button is right there b… https://t.co/wwwRxpOqNg
24.
"The bond's Name. James Name" Pleased to... what? "Bond Name's the james" Are you alright? "Bames Nond's having a stronk, call a Bondulance"
25.
You can tell me this is a bird flying all you want I still think it's a rabbit on skis in the middle of a long jump
26.
Policeman: Name please? Woman: Cheryl Cole Policeman: Your FULL name Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
27.
unreliable? are never on time? have to share them with 10 other women? which one is it x
28.
Judas: still on for Friday? Jesus: Friday? Judas: yeah, the last supper Jesus: the what? Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
29.
I couldn't believe what I saw on @C4Countdown today, it was just bang out of order.
30.
No fucking way will I choose the shopping cart that someone left a piece of paper in.
31.
You're never too old to say "horses" when you drive past some horses
32.
don't assume someone's gender just because they are back in town
33.
most cutting thing you can say is "who's this clown?" because it implies they're a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
